


Sure

by usedupshiver



Series: Touched [1]
Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bottom Loki, Breathplay, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Light Bondage, Loki Angst, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki-centric, M/M, Mild S&M, Rimming, Smut, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony-centric, Top Tony, angsty smut, kinky fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-16 07:26:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 77,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2261043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usedupshiver/pseuds/usedupshiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Loki finds the hung over remains of the party animal that is his brother's best friend sleeping on his couch, he's sure it will upset all his plans to spend the day studying.<br/>Tony isn't really sure how he got there in the first place, but it turns out he isn't in any hurry to leave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Window

**Author's Note:**

> (I found [this AU prompt thingy](http://usedupshiver.tumblr.com/post/96625088522/tickatocka-i-really-want-an-i-accidentally), couldn't get it out of my head and had to do the thing. So I did the thing.)

As soon as Loki stepped out of the bedroom, he knew he wasn't alone in the apartment. Which he should be. He stopped just outside the door, trying to make sense of it. What had tipped him off?

There was a sound in the living room that shouldn't be there; light snores. And a distinct... smell. Or smells. Stale cigarette smoke, the sour remains of alcohol. Loki knew for sure those smells didn't come from anything of his.

Frowning, he slowly walked up to the couch, which was placed with it's back to him, dividing the small room into two parts. Craning his neck, he caught sight of someone draped over the seats, an arm hanging over the edge, the other under a head of untidy, spikey, short, brown hair. He just made out a cheekbone and the angle of a nose, but the face seemed familiar. 

Not in an "I expect to find this person sleeping on my couch" sort of way, though. But on the other hand, Loki didn't have that kind of relationship with, well, anyone.

Whoever it was had left a t-shirt hanging over the armrest, was naked to the waist, and looked to have unbuttoned his pants too, pulling them halfway down his ass to show red underwear, and then given up and just left them there. Falling asleep in the middle of undressing.

What the hell was going on?

He walked up to the couch, leaned down over the back of it - which brought him uncomfortably close to the smells - and shook a bare shoulder gently.

* * *

"Excuse me?"

The words weren't loud, but together with the hand that was jostling him, they were enough to wake Tony up. He blinked, tried to focus his eyes, and saw a worn coffee table, a rug, the edge of a dark green couch. Nothing odd to be seeing when waking up in the state he obviously was.

But he usually wasn't _woken up_. People knew better. They let him sleep it off, because he tended to be a bit... difficult if you didn't. More than usual. Or so people told him. He didn't believe he was ever difficult.

"Huh?" Tony lifted his head, and then regretted it. Put it back down on the cushion, and then regretted that, too. Both things hurt. Wow. He was a mess!

He made what felt like a superhuman effort and turned on his back, sitting up. It made the world spin, hurt even more, and he rubbed a hand over his face before squinting around the room. His eyes quickly made out a person. A tall person. Very tall. In black sweatpants, hanging off narrow hips. With a very bare, very pale chest. And black hair, falling in tangled waves down to the wide shoulders.

"I don't remember bringing anyone home last night. Sorry?"

"You didn't." The voice didn't sound even slightly amused.

"Then whatcha doin' here?"

"You're not home. I am."

That didn't make sense. Did it?

Tony tried to focus on the narrow face. Blinked. And realized something.

"You're not Steve. Are you?"

"No."

That made Tony realize something else. "Hey! I know you! Don't I?" He raised a hand, snapped his fingers a couple of times as he waited for his brain to kick into gear, and then pointed triumphantly at the guy. "Yeah, I do! You're Thor's baby brother."

"Baby?" A black eyebrow went up.

"You know. Little brother."

One eyebrow was joined by another.

" _Younger_ brother?" Tony flipped through the files in his head, searching. "Loki! That's the one, right?"

"Right. And he only has the one, anyway."

"Sure. But, yeah, I..." Tony frowned, looking around at the rest of the room again. Small, covered in books pretty much from floor to ceiling, apart from where a breeze was pulling at the curtains by a window, and the doorway to what looked like a miniscule kitchen. "So, what am I doing here, then?"

"Your guess is as good as mine at this point, really." Loki turned and looked towards the door of the tiny place. "I hope you didn't break the lock on the way in, though. I'll have to pay for that if you did."

He looked back to Tony. "Did you?"

"Hang on, hang on, I think I know this one..." 

Flashes of a locked door. A key that just wouldn't cooperate no matter how he twisted and turned it. Trying to force it open with something else. A... credit card? That worked in all the movies, right? But he was pretty sure it hadn't, last night. 

Flashes of a sky turning lighter, damp morning air. A lot of... green?

Oh, wait, wait! It was coming back!

Tony experimentally put a hand to his nose. Under the nicotine on his skin, he smelled something else, sharper, greener.

"Nah. I climbed in the window. That big fucking ivy outside, it helped me up."

Loki was staring at him. "I understand, even before asking, that this might be a useless question, but _why_?"

"You sure you're not Steve? In, like, a wig?"

"Dead sure."

"That explains it then." Tony slowly let himself fall back on the couch. "I was going to go sleep in his place, because he's out of town and he lives closer to the bar and I'd never get to my place and I must have got the wrong door and..." He closed his eyes, sighing. "Was I even close?"

"You're talking about Rogers, I guess?"

"Yeah."

"Sort of close, in that case. He's on the floor above."

"Close enough."

"You think?" The voice took on an unfriendly note.

Tony opened his eyes and looked at Loki again. Trying to think, even though it was a pain.

Oh, right. He'd crashed on this guy's couch instead of Steve's. That was it. And that was probably a problem. 

Tony tried to sort out what he knew about Loki, and came up surprisingly short, considering this was the brother of one of his best friends.

Thor was kind of the leader of the group of people Tony hung out with. It had just turned out that way, because Thor was loud, made of huge laughs, could drink more than anyone Tony had ever met, and never turned down a chance to have a good time. He just naturally dragged everyone else along for the ride.

Even Steve. Who mostly tried to keep them in check, and mostly failed.

Even Bruce, who usually ducked out before the real fun began, but enjoyed listening to their stories the next day anyway.

Clint was always ready for a party, though.

Nat, too. When they hadn't been acting particularly stupid lately and she was actually on speaking terms with them. So, not that often, really, but she was a hell of a girl to party with when she was.

The core of the gang was Thor and Tony. First to arrive at a party. Last to leave. Center of attention and loving it.

But even though he spent the most time with Thor, Tony hardly knew anything about this brother of his. Just that when Loki came to university, Thor had tried getting him into the group as well. With no luck. At best, Loki had been a dark shadow tagging along, always more outside the group than with them, and then he'd drifted away, never to return.

Loki was books and libraries and making early nights. And, you know, _studying_. Weird, right?

They had pretty much nothing in common.

Tony saw the guy every once in a while, though, of course. Knew who he was. Was always sort of fascinated by the serious, pale face and how everything from how he spoke to how he moved was such a complete opposite to Thor.

"Okay, maybe not." Tony cleared his throat, and sat up again, wincing on the way. "I'm sorry. Really. Accident."

Loki's face remained slightly hostile for a moment, then he sighed and shrugged. "Well. Nothing to do about it now, I guess. At least you didn't break the damn window getting in."

"I'm nice like that."

"Sure." He didn't sound sure, though.

* * *

Loki found himself walking into the kitchen to make coffee. Because that's what he would have done anyway. Maybe he should have started by throwing the asshole out of the apartment first, but he would probably need coffee to have the energy to deal with that in any case.

He did know the guy, of course. Or, knew of him, at least. The never serious, always half drunk, constantly flirting party animal that had become Thor's friend at university two years ago. Stark, was it? Yeah, that was it. Andrew? No, not quite right that one. Close, though. Loki puzzled over it as he started the coffee maker.

When Loki turned around, the almost stranger in his home was standing with a still naked shoulder resting against the door frame just behind him, eyes on his hands as he was buttoning his pants again. Then what's-his-name Stark looked up at him, with a sort of sheepish grin in place. One he probably used a lot on mornings like these.

"Any way I could have some of that coffee later?"

Loki shrugged. He'd already counted on the question and made enough for two, but no need to let the guy know. "I guess that's all right."

As he looked at the face, the dark eyes, the goatee that was still pretty neat despite a shadow of stubble, he remembered.

"Anthony." Loki hadn't meant to say it out loud and felt a blush. "That's your name, isn't it?"

"Officially. But I go by Tony." With a smirk the guy reached his hand out. "Nice to meet you. Again. Or something."

The kitchen was small enough that Loki just had to raise his own hand to catch Tony's and shake it. Which felt odd and silly, since they had met for the first time over a year ago and many times after that, although mostly glimpsing each other at a distance. They didn't have any classes or courses in common. Tony was physics and science, Loki was litterature, history, psychology, philosophy, and, well, a whole list of other things that didn't involve numbers.

When he let go of Loki's hand, Tony pulled a face and looked down at himself.

"Any way I could borrow your shower, too? I kind of stink."

"No argument there." Loki wrinkled his nose. He probably should tell him to go upstairs and use Steve's damn shower, like he was supposed to, but then he waved a hand to the left of the kitchen. "Door to the right leaving the living room."

Tony flashed a grin. "Thanks, man." Then he quickly dissappeared out of sight.

Loki stood in the kitchen, listening to the warm, gurgling bubble of the coffee. Then he shook his head, got two cups out and put them on the stove, which was the only real surface. He filled one with coffee, put the can back in place, and left the empty cup where it was. He figured Tony could guess what it was for, if he hadn't killed every brain cell he had left last night.

Bringing the cup, Loki returned to his bed. He preferred to sit there and read, and he didn't plan on changing that just because he had some uninvited visitor today. With his book leaning against his pulled up legs, sipping his coffee, Loki lost himself in the words.

* * *

The shower felt great, and after using some of Loki's toothpaste to rinse his mouth, Tony felt almost alive again.

Back in the kitchen, he poured himself some coffee in the cup obviously left out for him, and walked back into the living room. It wasn't until then he realized it was empty. Confused for a moment, Tony turned again, and discovered a half closed door opposite the bathroom. He stepped over, pushed it open, and looked in.

It was hardly a room, it was so tiny. The bed, that just fit between the walls, filled almost half the space. It must have been a _nightmare_ to get the thing in there. Behind the door, that Tony had almost smacked into it, a wardrobe was hiding. Stacks of books were on the floor by the bed and on the small nightstand.

On the bed was Loki, leaning back against some pillows, legs pulled up in front of him, book propped against his thighs. Still in just sweatpants. Then again, Tony was just in his jeans, but there was something about Loki's long, pale feet bare against the covers that made Tony feel more of an intruder than he had before.

He wasn't the kind to let that stop him, though.

Loki glanced up when he walked in, but didn't say anything. Just turned his eyes back to his reading.

Tony took that for what passed as an invitation in this place, walked over and promptly sat down on the other end of the bed, leaning against the wall, taking a swallow of the by now luke warm coffee. It tasted like shit with his mouth full of toothpaste flavour, and he took another, that tasted a bit better, before looking over at his host. Or whatever.

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Considering what I have seen of your study methods, I'm not surprised you have to ask." Loki's eyes came up to regard him cooly over the top of the book. "I'm reading."

"I got that part. But what?"

Before he had heard an answer, Tony moved over, placed a hand on Loki's left knee and used the grip to tilt his long leg out of the way, so Tony could see the cover of the book. Not really thinking about what he was doing, until he looked up again and saw Loki staring at him, mouth fallen slightly open.

Oops. He'd probably just overstepped some boundaries of personal space there. He hadn't meant to. Tony was just a physical person, he liked to touch people. And sometimes, like now, it happened out of impatience. Because he didn't have the time to just wait for Loki to show him what he was reading, and took matters into his own hands. So to speak.

He covered up the awkward by asking about what he had just seen. "Social psychology? Really? Why?"

"Because I'm interested in why people do what they do. Obviously."

"Not that obvious, actually. From what I've seen, you don't really hang out with people. At all. So why care?"

"It's always easier to study things you're not a part of. From the outside." Loki pulled his knee away, angling his leg back up, and returning his eyes to the pages, shutting Tony out.

Tony looked at the pale forehead, black hair falling down the sides of it, as he moved back to lean against the opposite wall again.

"I bet you get this a lot, but you and Thor are really nothing alike."

Tony could actually see the eyeroll moving under the faintly veined lids, even though Loki didn't take his eyes off the book. "You don't say?"

"What? They fished you two out of different ends of the gene pool?" Tony grinned. "Let me guess - you came out of the deep end, Thor out of the shallow one?"

That made Loki give up on reading, or pretending to, and cast him a strange look."I thought you two were friends."

"Sure we are. He's great. Doesn't mean I don't know the guy isn't really the sharpest tool in the entire shed."

Loki blinked. "Actually..." He hesitated. "I was adopted."

Now it was Tony's turn to blink, and pull his head back slightly. He wasn't really surprised by the fact, but mostly because, well... "Thor never mentioned that."

"He's never really made a big deal out of it. But then again, he hardly ever makes a big deal out of anything."

"I know. That's one of the reasons he's a great guy to hang out with."

"And I'm not." It wasn't a question, and it was followed by Loki's eyes dropping back to the pages.

"Well, I wouldn't really know, because I've never seen you give it an honest try." Tony shrugged, even though Loki wasn't looking, and took a swallow of cold coffee. "You're a smart guy, though. I think you could figure it out."

* * *

Loki had to work at keeping his eyes on the pages in front of him now, not really seeing them, wondering why the words made him so uneasy. Was it because he was annoyed at the same old nagging that he should get himself a social life? Or was it because he couldn't resist feeling sort of flattered Tony had called him smart? Even though he wouldn't really know anything about whether Loki was or not.

He couldn't hold back a question bubbling up inside, though. "I thought you just said being smart was more of a hindrance?"

There came a snorting laugh, and Loki looked up at Tony's amused face.

"Fuck no! And I should know."

"You're smart?" Loki felt the sceptical look on his own face.

"Genius, actually."

"Really?"

"Really. I'm just good at faking not being one. Because, well, you're more fun at parties that way." He grinned and winked. "As you've noticed yourself, no doubt?"

Loki didn't answer. He just turned unseeing eyes back at the words in front of him again. And he didn't look back up when he felt the bed dip as Tony got up. He'd probably finished his coffee and was ready to leave. Loki was surprised at the hint of dissappointment that flashed by at the thought.

Company wasn't really his thing. Especially not uninvited company. But there was something about the easy, charming aura Tony had that sort of... pulled him in. He'd noticed before, but they had never spoken directly to each other like this, and it was stronger and more noticeable now.

Loki was pulled from his thoughts when he realized Tony was standing right next to him, by the bed, almost on the stacks of books. He looked up, slightly startled.

"What?"

"Move over." Tony smiled at him. "You're hogging all the damn pillows, your wall is too hard, and it's lonely over there."

How it could be lonely with the two of them in such a tiny room, Loki had no idea. He was never lonely, not really. Alone, yes. All the time, mostly, but he liked it that way. Never lonely. But he surprised himself by not arguing, and just closing the book so he could scoot in closer to the third wall, making room for Tony to sit down beside him. Obviously not enough room, since Tony moved closer, until their arms pressed together. Darker skin touching his pale.

With a contented sigh, Tony sank into the pile of pillows, took another swallow from his cup, and then put it away on the nightstand. He turned back to look at Loki again, making a gesture at the still closed book.

"Don't mind me. Keep going. Don't want to get in the way of your studies."

Loki let his hand slide over the cover, about to open the book again, but then just rested his fingers against it. "It's... All right. I guess I can take an hour off. This is the litterature for next semester, anyway."

"Nerd."

Loki glared at him. "Nice."

Tony raised his hands, palms to Loki. "Sorry. Didn't really mean it in a bad way, though. I like nerdy."

"Never would have guessed." Loki thought back on the row of girls he had seen Tony with over the last year, and none of them had struck him as the nerdy type. Or smart, for that matter.

But, wait? Why had he even noticed? Or committed them to memory?

Loki felt Tony's shrug rather than saw it, as he looked away, sure he was blushing. Again. This was why he preferred alone over company. He just wasn't that great at it.

”I like other things, too. But nerdy is sort of a favourite. How about you?”

”How about me what?”

”What's your favourite?”

”I don't think I have one.” Loki absently let a fingertip trace the letters of the title of his book.

”Oh come on! Everyone does!” Tony's arm pushed against his, encouraging. ”Has to be something that's more up your alley than other things, right? Can't like everything!”

”More like I don't like anything.”

”Really?”

Loki wasn't sure if Tony sounded shocked, sceptical or surprised or all of it. He pulled a face and glanced at the blank expression.

”No, not really. Just that... I...” He shifted his eyes back to the cover again, tracing white letters on red. ”It's more like nothing likes me. So I stay away.”

”Huh.” Tony was quiet for a moment. ”No, you know what? I don't buy that. I think it's just more of you never really giving it an honest try.”

It was Loki's turn to shrug, once more feeling their skin rub together. He was growing to like the warmth of it.

”Well. If I have to say one thing, I guess nerdy is kind of a favourite of mine, too. Wouldn't have much to talk about, if not.”

”Talking isn't everything. How about the shallow stuff? Body type? Height? Shoe size? Haircolour? Eyecolour? What? Give me something!”

The stream of strange, curious questions confused Loki, and before he thought about it he just blurted out the answer to the last one in the row.

”Brown.” Then he nearly bit his tongue in half. But at the same time, couldn't stop himself turning to Tony again.

Smiling eyes met his. Brown ones.

”Good choice. Always been a sucker for green ones, myself.”

Loki blinked. He knew what colour his own were, after all.

”Black hair is kind of a turn on, too. Don't see that many that come that way naturally, though. At least not to go with the green eyes.”

Hang on. What?

”I thought you preferred blondes.” Loki was a bit surprised he could talk, even more surprised he managed to keep the tone so light.

”I told you, I like different things.” Tony smiled wider. ”The blondes and the not-so-nerdy-ones are just fine. But not at the top of my list.”

”I see.” He really didn't.

”You do?”

”Sure.” He wasn't.

And that was before Tony leaned even closer, angling his shoulder away, moved his head in and placed a kiss on his lips, that rasped of beard and smelled of coffee.

* * *

The kiss hadn't really been a planned thing. Tony hardly ever planned anything, to be completely honest. He mostly just went with it. Went with what his gut told him. Or, you know, other parts.

Tony was still a bit surprised at himself right now, though. Maybe he was still drunk?

On the other hand, that didn't have to be it. Hangover horny had always been a huge weakness of his. When he was tired and felt sick he always got clingy. It was just that closeness and touching made him feel better, soothed him, calmed his stomach and even eased the headache.

"Touch addict", Nat had called him once, when he had tried it on her. Not in a sexual sort of way that time, though, just cuddling up next to her on the couch one tired morning after when he had crashed at her place. Since she wasn't one, she had just brushed him off.

"Usually people go for seconds of what made them sick, Tony. You just try to rub it off on anyone that happens to be close by." That's what she'd told him. And it was sort of spot on, had to give her that.

Although not really the "anyone" part. It worked best with people he actually liked.

Considering the way Loki had looked at him when he had touched his knee, and seemed a bit uneasy about sitting next to him, Tony figured his gut may very well be playing tricks on him this time. That he wasn't actually following signs that it was alright to go ahead, but just overstepping the same boundary again.

But then, nothing happened. At least nothing that felt like a ”what the fuck are you doing get off me you pervert!”. 

Loki just pulled in what felt like a surprised breath, through his nose, and then his tight lips softened against Tony's. Even returned some of the pressure. And then he was pretty sure his gut hadn't let him down this time either. It very rarely did, after all.

He turned his body more, took some strain off his twisted neck, leaning in over Loki, supported on the arm pressed between them. Trying not to be too much at once, sensing he would risk scaring Loki off if he was, he kept the kiss soft, his lips closed, and didn't move in too far into his personal sphere.

Tony felt reasonably sure he was overstepping some other boundaries here, though. More specifically, the ones he and Thor had agreed on years ago. They had always steered clear of anyone the other had a relationship with, or showed even the slightest interest in. It was one of the things that had made their friendship last, and remain easy going.

Well, a brother wasn't that kind of interest. But, adoptive or not, it sure as hell was a relationship. One far older than any Thor had formed since Tony had met him, at that.

He was probably going to regret this later.

But that was Future Tony's problem, right? Let that guy deal with an angry Thor. He could take it!

Especially if Present Tony made it worth it...

With that thought fresh in his mind, Tony slowly placed his free, right hand on Loki's neck, sliding in under his hair to the back of it, his thumb just gently caressing the delicate jaw. And then he used that hand to urge Loki just a little bit closer, a little bit to the side, letting their mouths settle in a closer angle. Then he parted his lips, touched the tip of his tongue to Loki's lips.

And was completely unprepared for the result.

* * *

Loki had almost forgotten all about kisses and what they were like. It had been a long time since he'd had one after all. At first he was a bit shocked, didn't know how to respond properly, especially since this was... Well... Another man. Did that change something in the machanics of it? Besides the beard, that is.

He didn't _mind_ that Tony was a man. He'd known he was attracted to him before, and that Tony wasn't the first man to have caught his eye either, even though he hadn't let himself reflect on that, preferring to keep to himself anyway. 

Loki just needed to get used to the fact that this was really happening. At all. No matter who it was happening with.

When he felt the hand on his neck it sent shivers in waves over his scalp. When the hand pulled him closer, his heart made a leap. When he felt the soft lips part against his, and the brush of a tongue, it was like a switch had been flipped in his head. His body pushed his insecure, unsure mind aside, declared ”I got this”, and took charge.

Before he had ordered them to, his hands were on the back of Tony's neck, one combing up into his still damp hair. At the same time, his lips moved apart, letting the strange tongue in to meet his own. 

The little noise Tony made then was a bit surprised, but not displeased, and he didn't hold back then, as Loki knew he had before. And was kind of thankful that Tony had; he wouldn't have wanted to miss out on this because his mind would have had the time to chicken out. Tony got a taste of his mouth now, more thoroughly, and his right leg moved in over Loki's, which had moved down to rest against the mattress. As it moved higher, Tony pushed closer against him, until his thigh reached the point where Loki's left shin stopped it moving further. But that was still close enough that the jeans weren't enough to hide how hard Tony was, pressed against Loki's hip.

Loki almost felt his heart stop at that.

 _He'd_ somehow done that to the guy? How? He had no idea, but for once he decided that questions could come later. Preferably much later.

Slowly, Tony's hand left his neck, moving down his shoulder, to his chest. Fingers flared out in a fanning motion, making each of them pass over his nipple, in turn. Loki gasped into Tony's mouth, pulling away, and let go of his head.

”Wait.”

* * *

Tony froze at the sudden movement, and even more at the word. He'd thought this was going well!

”What?” He tried to keep the flood of dissappointment out of his voice.

”I'm just going to...” Loki held up the book he had been reading, and Tony suddenly understood, relaxing.

Loki then proceeded to lean over Tony's thighs, to place it on the floor.

When that long, lean stretch of back, muscles moving under white skin, was all over his lap, Tony really couldn't keep his hands off it. He placed a palm between Loki's shoulderblades, and softly let it slide down his spine. He could both see and feel goosebumps, and then Loki gently arched his back up into the touch, like a cat, and actually made a small, purring noise. Tony felt the vibrations of it.

He grinned, and wondered if he hadn't happened upon another touch addict. One that just hadn't gotten his fix in so long he'd forgotten all about what the high was like.

Tony would very much like to re-introduce him to his drug of choice.

Loki didn's seem set against it, since he just stayed like that, long after he had let go of the book, and let Tony caress his back, even gently scratch it with his nails.

Then Tony let his fingers wander lower, to where Loki's spine curved to his ass, covered by those worn thin sweatpants. The elastic of them was just as worn, loose, and it wasn't hard at all to let his hand find its way in under it. He quickly discovered that Loki wasn't wearing anything under them. Which wasn't that strange, all things considered. He had planned a day of reading, alone, in bed, hadn't he? But it still made Tony give a pleased little chuckle.

He just let his hand follow the firm curves, and stroke over the creases where they met the upper thighs. When Tony took the hand away, Loki moved to follow. And Tony really didn't want to stop, but he kind of had to.

”Loki? You mind moving over for a bit?”

The words were barely out of his mouth before Loki pulled away, to sit on his knees on the other side of the bed, looking about as frozen and dissappointed as Tony had felt before.

”It's all right.” Tony sort of felt like he might as well reassure him a bit. ”It's just that my pants are killing me and I'd really like to get them off. If that's okay with you, I mean?”

Loki's eyes made a quick move down his front, and since the state of Tony was pretty visibly clear by now, there wasn't any need for further explantions. When Loki's eyes came back up to Tony's face, they were smiling. He just nodded.

Tony wasted no time ripping the buttons open, and pulling the jeans off. When he moved to drop them on the floor, he palmed the condom he had been keeping in a pocket, and let it slide in under the bottom pillow. Might be they wouldn't need one, but if they did, he wouldn't want to be without. Also, it really was bad enough that he was here, doing things he probaby shouldn't be doing with Thor's baby... little... _younger_ brother. He didn't have to leave him in a worse condition than he had found him on top of it all.

Safe over really fucking sorry.

Rolling back to face Loki, he barely had time to raise his head before what felt like a whirlwind of black hair was on him, a hot mouth catching his, and he had to hold on for dear life when he was swept away.

Where did that come from?!

Damned if he was complaining, though.

* * *

Watching Tony pull his pants off was probably what really did it for Loki. That was when he understood that it was happening, and that Tony wasn't going to change his mind, and just up and leave at any minute. Where'd he go without his pants?

And watching the muscles of his back move as he leaned down to the floor, the tension in his thighs and ass as he used the muscles to keep his balance... That was when Loki understood that he, himself, wouldn't change his mind at any minute either.

He wanted this. Bad. Needed it. Even more badly.

When Tony turned back, he threw all caution to the wind and fell on him, hot and hungry and eager, and figured he might as well show it, while he had the chance. If he got rejected now, at least he'd have no reason to wish he'd tried harder.

He had no need to worry, however, and he found out quickly this was the case.

Tony's hands came up to grip his waist, and just pull him down, never breaking the kiss, until Loki was on top of him. Then the hands moved up his sides and ribs, back, shoulders, a slow and exploring travel back up to the back of his neck, under his hair, into it. Like Tony wanted to touch as much of him as possible. And Loki wanted him to. Craved it. Without having had any idea that he did.

This sure had turned into one very strange day.

* * *

Soon, they were quite hopelessly tangled on the bed, arms and legs and hands and even _hair_ got everywhere. It made Tony feel like a teenager, but in sort of all the best ways. And he liked that, because even though he knew Loki couldn't be more than two or three years younger than Tony's 24, something about the guy still had made him feel a lot older. 

That was gone now.

Panting, Tony came up for air, just as he had as a teenager. He found himself straddling Loki's legs, letting his hands travel down to his hips, grasping the tired elastic of his pants, when the long, slim hands came up to stop him. This time Tony wasn't as shocked by dissappointment, this time he didn't think it meant ”stop!”, but he knew there was something. So he looked up, searching Loki's face for a clue.

”Could you...?” Loki's gaze shifted down to Tony's boxers, and then back to his face. ”First? I don't want to be...”

Tony got it. First one naked always felt the most exposed. He gave Loki a grin, got all the way out of the bed to as quickly as possible rid him of his underwear, and then moved back, slower, to where he'd started. Loki never took his eyes off him, and this time he didn't stop Tony from pulling his pants down, off, and throwing them on the floor by his own.

When Loki was all pale nakedness under him, Tony thought he might go a bit crazy.

”Damn.” He met Loki's huge, dark eyes. ”You really didn't need to worry about getting your clothes off.”

It actually, honestly, made Loki blush.

Tony loved it.

He got down half on top of, half beside Loki, arms and legs tangled again, only now there was nothing at all between them. Just skin touching everywhere. _Everywhere._ Tony felt his cock pressing, pushing, rubbing against Loki's with every movement they both made. He slid one hand back down Loki's back, cupping a hand over his ass, and pushed him even closer. Almost painfully close.

The hands that came down over his own lower back, one moving further down to mimic his own action, told him Loki didn't mind that in the least.

It wasn't long before Tony knew he'd be able to cum, just like this, and soon, too. And maybe later he would, but for now he really had to take the chance to get his hand on Loki, for real.

* * *

Loki was already as good as lost in sensation when he felt Tony move back and away from him, just slightly. Before he could stop it, he heard a little whining noise leave his throat in protest.

Tony only chuckled softly into Loki's hair, his face pressed against his neck.

It wasn't long before Loki understood the reason for the amusement, when he felt a hand work it's way in between them. Then he suddenly was willing to move back a little himself, to give that hand room to do what it wanted. He had a feeling he would like it.

He did.

A foreign palm and fingers on him, pressing, rubbing, stroking, twisting, teasing, and it was like something new. He'd done this to himself for, well, half his life, and it suddenly felt like he'd been doing it all wrong.

Loki made some kind of sound against Tony's shoulder that he wasn't proud of, but had to accept for what it was anyway. The fingers he still had on Tony's ass dug themselves in to the flesh, like claws.

”If you keep that up”, he got out in a husky whisper, ”I'm going to... I can't. Really...”

”No reason not to.” Tony's voice was still in his hair, hot on his neck, and it wasn't exactly steady either. ”That's kind of the idea.”

So Loki took comfort in that, and as he let Tony do what he obviously wanted, he could also feel Tony's hip move against him, seeking his own friction. Loki couldn't reach him, but he angled his own hip just sligtly, shifting to give him more, and helped him along with the hands still gripping his ass, getting into the same rythm Tony's hand was keeping on him.

It distracted him from his own pleasure, but that was a good thing. It postponed the inevitable a bit, bought him enough time to get to notice that he wasn't the only one on the brink. 

When Loki felt the tension and sensation reaching a peak, and he just had to let go and fall, or go to pieces, he heard Tony shout something muffled against him, and knew he wasn't falling alone.

They just breathed a while, getting back down from the high.

Loki reached above his head then, grabbing one of the many pillows, pulling the case off it. They used that to wipe themselves at least fairly clean and dry, so they could go back to playing dead, without all the stickiness.

They didn't really move apart, just angled their upper bodies slightly away from each other, so they could face one another comfortably.

”Well, that's pretty much cured my hangover.”

Loki laughed.

* * *

Tony felt the movements of that laughter in his entire body, and it made him feel even warmer and more comfortable than he had been. And that was saying something, since he handn't thought that to be possible.

Slowly, as the laughter left, Loki's face became more serious and thoughtful.

”That was the first time I've ever done that.” Loki hesitated. ”I mean. The first time with, you know...”

”A guy?”

”Yes. And the first time at all in... Pretty much forever.”

”Yeah, I sort of figured.”

Loki tensed, his face going slightly blank. ”I was that bad?”

Tony stared, and then couldn't keep back a laugh. ”No! You idiot! You were perfect.” He grinned at the mix of confusion and relief that was Loki's face at the moment. ”I meant I got that from our little talk, before. It didn't sound like you really get around a lot. Not that that's a bad thing! But I got it.”

”Oh, of course.”

The moment was a bit spoiled by Tony's stomach, that made a complaining noise, craving it's own kind of attention.

”Yeah, hangover definitely cured, I'd say.” Tony gave Loki a grin. ”You know? I've slept uninvited on your couch, drank your coffee, and had my hangover taken care of. I feel like the least thing I could do is buy you breakfast. How's that sound to you?”

”Sounds reasonable, and fair, and I'm going to hold you to it.”

”Perfect!” Tony gently untangled himself, got on the floor, and started pulling his boxers and jeans back on.

* * *

Loki realized he was hungry as well, as soon as he heard breakfast being mentioned. He usually didn't eat until lunchtime on days when he stayed in bed, but today he hadn't really been doing what he normally did there.

Smiling, he moved over to the edge of the bed, pushing pillows aside, his fingers touching something stiff and sharp. With a frown replacing the smile, he pulled the thing out, staring at the condom packet for a moment before seeing what it was. Then Loki turned his head, looking up at Tony, who was now also looking at the condom.

”You wanted to use this?”

”More of a 'just in case' thing.” Tony smiled. ”If you want, you can keep it. 'Til next time I accidentally crash on your couch.”

Loki looked at the small plastic packet, then at Tony. Then he kept his eyes on Tony's face as he shoved his hand back in under the pillow, and pulled it out empty.

”Until next time”, he said, and saw Tony's brown eyes darken when his pupils dilated.

”Sure?”

”Sure.” And this time he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Once more, there is [some totally mindblowing art](http://usedupshiver.tumblr.com/post/96900237392/horns-of-mischief-soon-they-were-quite) that was at least in part inspired by this. Horns of Mischief seems intent upon killing me with gorgeousness!)


	2. Differences

In the tiny bedroom, the shrill sound of the alarm seemed even louder than it actually was.

"Fuck's sake, Loki!" Tony groaned into the pillow, as he felt Loki get up on his knees, lean over him to reach the nightstand and shut the cell phone up. "It's saturday!"

Despite the grumble, he still reached out to catch Loki's slim waist and pull him back down on the bed, pretty much on top of Tony.

"I know. But I like getting up early on weekends."

"Yeah, I know you do." 

Tony only now opened his eyes, and found himself looking straight up into Loki's face, still soft from sleep and surrounded by tangled waves of black hair. If Tony had been a religious man, he would have been damned sure that this was exactly what angels looked like. 

"And let me tell you, that's not right.” Tony frowned up at him. ”It's a crime against nature, it's dirty and wrong and you should stop doing it. Like, yesterday."

"Yesterday was friday, Tony. I couldn't very well have stopped doing it then, could I?"

"Are you being a smartass? Let me tell you one more thing - no-one likes a smartass."

"That's strange, because last time I checked, I still like you."

"Oh yeah? Prove it!" 

"How should I do that, then?" Loki was almost melting into him now, his lips nearly touching Tony's as he spoke.

"I know the perfect way."

"Oh?"

"You could not set the alarm tomorrow. And join me and the guys at the bar tonight."

Loki grew stiff against him. And not in the good way.

"Tony, I'm sorry. I..." He started to pull away, his face wary. Like he knew he had done something wrong and would hear about it.

Tony caught him and pulled him back, flush against his chest. "Hey, wait just a minute!" He let a hand comb into Loki's hair, holding his head almost as close as it had been, looking into his eyes. "Listen here, gorgeous. That part about you having to prove you like me? Joke. I know you do."

Loki's face stayed the same.

"That said. I really would like it if you came along."

"I have to?"

"Of course not! That's what I'm saying. I just want you to."

"Why?"

"Because I like you too. Even though you are a smartass. Too." He lifted his head to kiss Loki, and got a soft, hesitant response. "And I want to spend time with you. Not just in here."

* * *

Loki searched Tony's eyes, confused. That was not the answer he had been expecting.

He was used to people - his family, his past friends (few), his past girlfriends (even fewer) - nagging him to get out and socialize. It wasn't his thing, it made him uncomfortable, and he usually refused. Which was one reason the friends and girlfriends had been few, really far between, and quickly dissappearing into the past. They got tired of him. And bored.

He and Tony had started seeing each other, more or less regularly, just over a month ago. And since then Loki had been waiting for this issue to come up. Especially considering the very social creature Tony was. He lived for the spotlight, the center stage, the heart of the group. Loki was surprised it had taken this long.

However, this still didn't feel like the issue he had been expecting. This wasn't Tony saying Loki had to change. This was Tony saying he wanted Loki to be a part of his life.

But in what way? That was another issue Loki had thought about, and been trying to ignore, but now it was staring at him, so he might as well face it.

"You want to spend time with me? As one of the guys?"

Tony's usually so amused eyes were serious. "No."

"No?"

"I want to spend time with _you_. Take you out."

Loki swallowed, unsure of how to feel. "Are you sure?"

"Definitely."

"So. More precisely. Who are 'the guys' tonight?" Even though Loki thought he already knew.

"Well, there's your upstairs neighbor, Steve", Tony started. "Clint will be there. Banner might drop by, but I wouldn't bet on it. And then there's this big, blond oaf I believe you might know from before."

And Loki's heart skipped a beat.

* * *

Tony in no way missed the look on Loki's face when he said Thor would be there. And he got it. It wasn't as if he could claim that he wasn't sort of nervous about that part himself. Maybe even more so.

Loki was Thor's brother, after all. Not by blood, sure, but shit like that means less than people think. Tony didn't think for even a second that Thor would feel any different about his brother, no matter who he was with. He wasn't that kind of guy.

As for Tony, though? Yeah, that was trickier. He didn't think Thor would care if he was with a guy. Just _this_ guy. They'd always had this understanding that they should keep their love interests out of each other's business. Don't fuck were you drink. 

Or, something.

Now, Tony had broken that agreement. He wasn't sure how that would play out. But he decided to pretend otherwise.

"It'll be just fine, Loki. Trust me."

"That doesn't sound like good advice at all." But Loki was grinning as he said it.

"All right. Last straw. Smartass." Tony pushed Loki off him, and got himself up straddling his hips instead, hands pinning Loki's chest down. "Just for that, you're making us breakfast."

"So, same procedure as every time you're here, then?"

"Well. Yes. But I help."

"You mean you watch, take up space in the kitchen that is already too small for two, and pinch my ass when it distracts me the most?"

"Exactly."

And he did that this morning too.

It was a lazy, sweet saturday, but Tony felt the slight tension in the backgrund the whole day, following them since the conversation in bed. He didn't bring it up anymore, until it got late enough that he would soon have to start getting ready to hit the bar, if he was to get there even nearly on time.

"I need to leave in 30, Loki."

They were on the couch, Loki hidden behind a book as usual, Tony idly switching between watching him and the tiny TV. His words made Loki lower the book and look at him, thoughtful, the mouth twisting with unsaid words. Then he sighed.

"You still want me to come?"

"Sure."

"All right. This once."

"Not expecting anything more, I promise."

Tony was done pretty quickly, but Loki took his time, clearly nervous. When Tony was back on the couch, waiting, he finally emerged from the bedroom in a pair of black jeans nearly hanging off his hips, pulling on a green shirt, his chest still bare. Tony blinked at the sight.

"Shit."

Loki froze and looked up at him. "No good?"

"Come here."

Hesitating, Loki walked over to stand by the armrest where Tony was sitting, and Tony reached out, putting an arm around the back of his thighs to pull him closer. To place a kiss in the slight hollow by his right hipbone.

"Far too damn good." He grinned up at Loki. "Button that shirt, quickly, or we'll be late."

* * *

All in all, the night was a lot better than Loki had ever dared to believe it would be.

They had been sitting in a large booth that was turned away from most of the bar, so it felt almost like it's own room, not dozens of people staring. But still big enough that they didn't have to sit too close to each other in it. Except Tony, of course, who sat close enough that their thighs were touching the whole night. And a couple of times, his hot hand had found its way in under the table to the inside of Loki's thigh, to press it even closer.

When that happened, they never looked at each other, but Loki was pretty sure he was blushing anyway.

There were a few pretty awkward moments before Thor made the connection between why Loki was suddenly showing up to one of their nights out, and the way he hovered by Tony's elbow. Then there was half an hour or so when Thor still didn't seem sure how to handle the whole thing, but two beers into the night, everything eased up.

Loki even caught his brother smiling at the two of them, when he thought they didn't notice.

You could always trust Thor to not make a big deal out of anything, really. And Loki was very thankful for that tonight.

Clint managed to sneak in a few jabs. Mostly at Tony's expense. They still made Loki a bit uncomfortable at first, until he noticed Tony paying back in kind, with interest, and no-one taking any kind of offence.

The only one who gave no real reaction at all was Steve. He just sipped his beer and talked abouth anything and nothing. Was he trying to hide some dislike? Loki couldn't figure it out, and that bothered him most of all.

Tony noticed. When Steve went to buy the next round, he leaned over and whispered into Loki's hair. 

"We're in Steve's blind spot."

And then Loki understood. Steve wasn't trying to hide his true feelings. He was just oblivious. Even with Clint's jokes flying through the air like arrows.

It was all pretty relaxed after that, but the unfamiliar environment, having to focus on so many faces at once, and all the noises, the intoxication, it exhausted Loki a lot quicker than he had expected. And Tony noticed that as well. And didn't ask any questions. He just finished his beer, grabbed Loki and pulled him out of the booth, declaring that they were leaving.

Before Loki had really understood what was happening, they were outside, in the cool night air, walking back home, just the two of them, in blessed silence.

Halfway back to his place, he felt calm enough to turn to Tony, walking beside him on feet that were just ever so slightly unsteady.

"Thank you for taking me home."

Tony smiled. "And thank you for coming with me in the first place." He let his arm slide around Loki's back, hand resting over his waist, and Loki thought it felt right to place his own arm around Tony's shoulders. "I had a good time. Kind of seemed like you did too, actually?"

"I did. Actually." He was even surprised himself that he could say it and mean it.

* * *

Back in the apartment, Loki kicked his shoes off and then just hovered in the living room. Tony left his own beside his, and saw him still standing there.

”You going to bed?”

Loki turned, seemed to think about it, and then shook his head. ”Don't think so. I'm not so tired now. The fresh air helped.”

”Usually does.” Tony walked past him, to the kitchen. ”I'm not ready for bed either. I'm grabbing a beer. You want one?”

”Why not?”

In the living room, Loki was already curled in his corner of the couch. Tony handed him a bottle, and sat down next to him, leaving almost half of the seat empty. With his right arm reasting around Loki's pulled up legs, he drank with his left. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Loki picking at the label of his bottle, not drinking.

”You didn't want it after all?”

Loki's eyes came up with a start. ”What? Oh, sure. I just...” He tried to swallow, found his mouth too dry, and took a sip of the beer. ”You could have stayed at the bar, you know. If you weren't tired.”

”Could have”, Tony agreed, and then squeezed his legs a bit tighter. ”If I'd wanted to.”

”I know I'm boring.” It sounded almost like an accusation. ”You don't have to go along with it.”

He smiled at Loki's tense face. ”You worry way too much, you know that?”

That obviously wasn't what Loki had expected. He blinked at Tony, and then went back to picking at his bottle, shrugging. ”Just talking from experience, mostly.”

”Never experienced anyone like me though, have you?” Tony took a long swallow.

Loki glanced up, just as Tony raised his eyebrows at him, and there was a hint of a smile on his pale face now. ”No. I haven't.”

”Damn right you haven't!” Tony grinned, then turned more serious. ”But on the other hand, I've never experienced anyone like you either. Nothing boring about that.”

Loki's brow knitted a bit, his lips going even thinner than usual. ”That's the thing, isn't it? We are so completely different.”

”That has to be a problem?”

”Always has been.”

”Yeah, well, this is the way I see it.” Tony took Loki's bottle from his restlessly picking hands, and leaned forward to put both beers on the table. Then he grabbed Loki's legs to pull them out, place them over his, and put his palms on his thighs, rubbing gently as his brown eyes caught the green ones. ”You like doing some things, and I like others. If I don't stop you doing your things, and you don't stop me doing mine, we don't have a problem. If you don't expect me to want to do your things, and I don't expect you to want to do my things, we don't have a problem. We can totally be different. We just have to like that we are. I know I do. I sort of think you do, too. You just have this preconceived notion that you're not good enough the way you are and that I'll just turn on you and demand that you be something you're not.”

It was probably the longest speach Loki had gotten from him. His lips parted a bit when Tony paused, but no words came out.

”And I get why. You've been there before, I get it. I do. But like I said, I'm not just different from you; I'm different from those other people too.” He squeezed one hand around each of Loki's legs. ”When you found me sleeping here I didn't stay because I wanted to spend time judging you, or _changing_ you. I just wanted to know you.”

”In the biblical sense?” Again the faint smile.

”Well, yeah, sure, who the hell wouldn't?” Tony answered the smile, and let his hands travel higher. ”But not just that. We may have different interests, but under that, you are a nerdy, wisecracking smartass. And that's just the way I like it.”

* * *

Loki was in shock. In a good way, but still in shock.

No-one had ever spoken to him like that. Like he was a complete and acceptable person, just as he was.

He had been the odd child. The black sheep. Sitting in his room reading while his brother had engaged in sports and made fast friends with everyone he met. Loki hadn't had friends even as a child, he had mostly preferred himself, and the words, or – when he was forced to leave his room – the woods behind the house.

Then they had grown up and he had still been the weird kid. Never openly bullied, of course, because Thor would have made them regret that in an instant, but ever the outsider. He hadn't minded it, at least not until he'd become old enough to start noticing the girls. (And the boys, but he had never allowed himself to reflect on that until he got older.) He'd made some efforts to fit in then, and sometimes having success, but the efforts and changes were never enough, who he was always shone through, and then he was alone again.

In the end he had decided that alone was his thing, and stuck with it, faithfully.

Until Tony broke in through his window one night, and his world was turned upside down.

And now Tony was sitting here saying he didn't need to change. That Tony didn't even want him to, because he liked him the way he was, differences and all.

While he had been sitting there, lost in thought, numb with shock, Tony's hands had found their way up his legs, and were pulling the shirt free from the waist of his jeans. Returning to reality and here and now, Loki felt those hands slip in under the green fabric and touch his bare skin. He was leaning back far enough against the armrest that his stomach was pulled flat, almost concave, and he felt the fingers find the spot by his hipbone, that Tony had kissed before.

As always, being touched made him a little bit high. Just this light caress of fingertips was enough.

Loki tore his eyes away from the wrists dissappearing in under his shirt, and met Tony's dark eyes. ”I think I'm ready for bed now.”

”You sure? 'Cause I'm kind of starting to like this couch.” 

Tony pulled his hands out, and started unbuttoning his jeans, then proceeding to pull them down, together with his underwear. Loki supported himself with his elbows on the armrest to lift himself off the seat a bit, making it easier for him, and then he was suddenly naked from hips to knees. It was a bit awkward behing partly undressed – especially when it was that part – while Tony was still fully dressed. But the embarrassment was dulled a bit by the beers he'd had before, and was then quickly erased all together when Tony moved away a bit on the couch, so he was able to lean in and put his mouth on Loki.

The tiny touch before had only been enough to get his cock to start paying attention to what was going on. Now it was woken up with a start.

Still with his elbows on the armrest behind him, Loki leaned his head limply back, as far as it went, and gave a long, low moan. 

He no longer gave a shit about who was wearing what or not. All he knew was the sensation of going fully hard inside Tony's warm mouth, wet and slick around him, and the gentle friction of a tongue running over the underside of him. Hands were gripping his hips, but seemed undecided on whether to push them down or pull them up, too eager to stick with one or the other, and ending up doing a bit of both.

Loki didn't dare look down at first. Maybe it would all turn out to be a dream if studied too closely? But then he summoned the courage to lift his head and glance at Tony. 

The hands were dark on his white hips, and all he could see of Tony was really arms, shoulders, and a bent down head of brown, untidy hair. But that was plenty. Knowing that the reason he couldn't see more was that Tony was bent over him, bent on giving him pleasure, was enough to make him give a groan, unintentionally bucking his hips up a bit under those dark fingers. They held him in place, but Tony noticed the reaction, angled his head, without pulling back even slightly, to meet Loki's gaze.

Overcome with an irresistable urge to reach out, Loki leaned forward enough to take his left arm off the armrest and comb his fingers into that spikey hair, until his palm cradled the back of Tony's slowly moving head. Their eyes were still fixed on each other.

The many intimate connections became too much to handle in Loki's already mentally overwhelmed state. With a choked shout, he curled his fingers into Tony's hair, holding on to his head as he came, for what felt like a very long time. He opened his eyes, briefly shut tight, in time to see Tony pull back, letting go with one last, slow suck. And then using his tongue to lick him all clean.

The feel of it, the sight and the action in itself nearly made Loki hard all over again, but he was just too tired.

”Now I'd say you are really ready for bed.” Tony grinned at the sight of his eyes almost falling closed.

”Oh, yes...” Blinking, Loki forced himself to focus. ”But what about you?”

”What about me?”

”Well, I'm all... Taken care of. And you're not.”

”I wasn't really the one needing to just get taken care of, though.”

Loki stared at him. How was this guy even real?

”Are you sure? I could -”

Tony shook his head, moved up over him and placed a kiss on his lips, tongue gently moving over them. Loki could taste himself on that kiss, but didn't mind at all.

”Sometimes things can just be all about you, Loki”, Tony mumbled against his mouth, looking into his eyes. ”I'm sure that will take some getting used to for you, but I'm willing to help you work on it.”

And that's when Loki started feeling pretty damn sure that Tony quite simply wasn't real. Nothing this perfect could be.


	3. First

No alarm went off that sunday morning, and Tony actually was the first one to wake up.

He was flat on his back, which was a common way for him to wake up. His left arm was out by the pillow next to his, and Loki's head was resting on it. Tony looked over, and found Loki turned away. All he could see was a mass of black hair, and a pale back against the side of his chest. Loki most often slept like that, turned to the wall, back to the room, making himself small and hidden away.

Tony pulled his arm out a bit, carefully, so he could turn on his side as well, folding his legs in behind Loki's, placing his other arm around his chest as he pushed closer. The black hair smelled a bit of smoke, from the bar, but Tony didn't mind that much. He was lost in memories of the night before, and a smile was pulling at his lips.

He still wasn't over his complete relief that Thor hadn't decided to take him out back and beat the crap out of him for being all over his brother. That would have made it a pretty bad night.

But Tony still felt even better about the talk they'd had on the couch when they got home. He knew he would have his work cut out for him getting Loki to come out of his shell. At least, the shell that Tony thought he needed to get out of. After all, he had really meant it when he said he didn't want Loki to change, that he wasn't judging. No matter how sure of himself Loki could become, he would most likely always be somewhat of an introverted recluse. And that was fine. 

Loki just needed to get it into his head that nothing was wrong with him because of that.

 _Just._ Yeah, right. Simple, but sure as hell not easy. That was okay, though, because Tony had time. 

And of course, he remembered what had come after the talking. Vividly.

Tony figured he just liked doing things that involved his mouth. Talking was definitely high on that list, it was one of the things he used it for most, after all. Getting Loki to make the noises he had made last night sure as hell was _at least_ top three, though.

Right then, he'd been all about getting Loki off, because he'd needed that, and the attention. Now, remembering, already half hard from his body doing the morning check-up, he knew he also needed attention, the one he had refused the night before.

Or more accurately, he needed a lot more attention than the tired, worn out Loki could have ever given him then.

But he still just stayed where he was, not moving. He knew his hardon was pressed against Loki's ass anyway. If Loki woke up anytime soon, which he probaly would, Tony most likely wouldn't have to explain what he wanted.

* * *

Loki woke up with a sense of warmth, and not just physical. He felt the closeness and the touch of skin on his even before he was fully awake, and it made him feel... safe. Which was new. 

Even sharing his bed with someone had been a huge adjustment for Loki. He hadn't thought it would go from off and awkward to comfortable so fast.

He felt an arm under his neck and saw the hand resting almost under the pillow in front of him. He moved his own to catch the dark fingers, and they immediately curled around his. Tony must be awake already, then.

Loki noticed another hand over his sternum, now moving in gentle, circling motions.

And then Tony shifted against him, and Loki noticed something hard and hot pressing against his ass, right between the cheeks even, and he felt himself get warm in a whole new way. Part of which, he realized, was relief.

He had really been touched the night before, when Tony had made it all about him. But deep inside, a part of him had hinted that Tony had refused because he didn't really want him. Which, of course, made no rational sense given what he had done to Loki minutes before. But feelings and fears are very rarely rational, they just are.

Instinct made him move back just slightly, push back, and he heard Tony give a soft laugh, morning hoarse.

”Found something you like?”

”I guess I did.” Loki smiled into the pillow. ”Never got a chance to look for it last night.”

”Sorry about that. We can totally make up for it now, though.” Tony's hand on his chest slid down to run light fingertips over a nipple.

Loki shivered. ”Make up for it? That sounds like it's going to take something extra on top of what I got.”

”My thoughts exactly.” Then the hand left Loki's chest and traveled down his stomach to find it's way into his underwear. ”Well, will you look at that. I found something too.”

Loki's turn to laugh, a bit breathlessly.

”Bet there's more to find, though.”

Tony pulled the arm that had been resting under Loki's neck away, slowly, and then sat up to get more fingers under the elastic of his underwear, pulling them off. All the way off, and Loki lifted his legs to help him. But when Loki moved to turn around, a hand on his hip stopped him and moved him back the way he had been.

”Oh no you don't. You stay just like that. I'll be back.”

Loki blinked at the wall in front of him, feeling a mix of confusion, curiosity and excitement. He felt Tony get up off the bed, and then heard him rummaging around in the bag he had started bringing with him every time he came over, carrying a change of clothes, toothbrush, school books he never touched, and such. What Tony could need in there now, he had no idea, and still had none when he felt the bed dip again, and Tony came back to lie down behind him. But not as close.

The hand on his hip came back, angling it a bit away now, so he had to move his top leg out for support, the bottom one still straight. Making him spread his legs a bit. And his heart move into his throat. 

The way the hand then stayed there a while, caressing his hip, calmed him again. But when it continued down between his legs, and moving up, just gently dipping in between the cheeks of his ass, he lost the sense of calm again, pretty quickly.

Tony must have noticed him tense up. The hand on his ass didn't move, but a warm mouth was by his ear then, kissing it gently, whispering just as warm words.

”If you don't want me to go searching, I won't.” More kisses down his neck. ”I can think of other ways to make up for it.”

Loki knew Tony meant it. If he said no, Tony would back off. No questions. And that was part of the reason he didn't want to say no. He trusted Tony not to hurt him. And another part was curiosity. And under all of that was an ocean of plain need and want.

”I want you to.” A catch in his voice. ”I think.”

”How about you make up your mind as we go?” The lips moved against his shoulder now. ”And you let me know when you know?”

”Sure.” 

”Just promise me you _will_ let me know.” A kiss on his shoulder. ”This one isn't all about you, but it sure as hell isn't all about me either.”

”I promise, Tony.”

Only then did the fingers start to move again. Not pushing at him, just caressing, stroking, letting him get used to the unfamiliar sensation. It wasn't unpleasant in any way, really, just strange. An intimate area that usually was sort of off limits even to himself, and having someone else touching him this way had him blushing furiously into his pillow, and he was glad Tony was behind him.

After a while he was, well, not exactly relaxed, but no longer tense. And then the fingers left him. Some sounds and movements followed that Loki couldn't really place, before the fingers returned and he startled slightly because _cold_ and slippery and somehow even _more_ close and intimate than it had been before. And again he was allowed some time to ge used to the whole thing, before it escalated.

A single finger pressed gently, slick and soft, and did find it's way into him. Loki gasped and felt himself go red all over again. It was the most conflicted feeling he'd ever known. 

In so many ways, on so many levels, it felt like an intrusion, something that shouldn't happen, shouldn't be allowed. Dirty and _wrong_ and not something he should enjoy. At all.

In so many ways, on so many levels, he still did.

* * *

Tony did notice the blushing, even though Loki was almost burying his face in the pillow. He felt the heat coming off the pale back, saw the long fingers grasping at air. And he smiled.

He had guessed Loki would have something of a fight with himself over this one, and that was all right. Sort of came with the package for most people anyway. As long as there was no tensing up, no resistance, or fear, he wouldn't worry.

Just to make sure he wasn't rushing, Tony left it at one finger for a while, before trying to add another. But there was some resistance then. He glanced over at Loki's face again and caught a glimpse of a knitted brow. There came no protests, Loki didn't want him to stop, but he knew it wasn't time to go ahead anyway.

That was the thing you needed to know about this; the mind could only do part of the decision to allow it, because it wasn't all in control. Which, of course, was a good thing. There for a reason. You wanted to be able to go to sleep, and still know you wouldn't wake up and have to change your bed every morning, right? The body knew what it was doing. It didn't know what the mind wanted it to do.

You had to trick it. Sneak past the defenses. Force didn't do it.

So he took the second finger away. For now.

Loki's hips came back in a searching motion, he even dared glance over his shoulder. ”Don't... I didn't... say anything.”

”I know. Your body did.”

Loki frowned at him.

”No rush.” Tony gave the displeased face a smile. He was really happy that it was him pulling back that had made Loki utter a protest, though, and when he took the time to make better use of that one finger than he had before, the displeased look dissappeared pretty quickly.

By the time he made a second attempt at the next finger, Loki was breathing more heavily, and his hips kept moving back. This time his body was ready to look the other way and let it happen, and once Tony had the help of another finger, it was easier to make progress. He still wasn't rushing, or at least didn't want to, but when he carefully moved his fingers apart, stretching, it got noises out of Loki that were even better than the ones the night before.

Tony was wildly torn between wanting to just keep doing this forever, and wanting to fuck Loki senseless. Right now.

Although, he wasn't really torn. He knew which way he was going. The other part was just his body talking, but he forgave it, it didn't know any better. 

But he did.

* * *

The conflict was long over by the time Loki was sure he could feel a third finger finding it's way in.

He no longer cared about dirty. Hell, let it be dirty! As dirty as it wanted and needed to be, really. He'd had enough of clean anyway. And wrong? Well, who'd said that it was? No-one who'd had this done to them, Loki was willing to bet anything on that. And it was in no way an intrusion. It could have been, so easily, he understood that, but Tony didn't demand anything of him, or his body.

It was more of a joining. 

It could have felt like something was taken, but it felt a whole lot more like something was given.

And he enjoyed it. So much that he actually grumbled a bit then Tony's fingers left him. And was rewarded with another laugh.

”I think we do know what you want now, don't we?” Tony moved, grabbed his hip and turned him over on his back, shifting his right leg to the other side of Tony's own hip, so he was sitting between them. And Loki could see his smiling, pleased face. ”I'm pretty sure it's the same thing I want, and I love it when things work out like that.”

Tony picked up a condom packet, and Loki found himself watching the little ritual as if it was the most new and fascinating thing ever.

Then Tony leaned in over him, and Loki closed his thighs around Tonys hip, crossing one foot over the other ankle behind his back. Willing him closer. But first Tony just reached all the way down to his mouth, and gave him one of those slow, thoughtful kisses, all teasing tongue, that he had to know were Loki's favourite kind.

Taking his mouth back, Tony glanced down, and Loki felt him place his slicked up cock where it should be. And at the same time, completely against his own will, he felt himself tense up. Making Tony stop short before he had hardly begun. Loki pulled in a breath and actually started tearing up, all frustration.

Tony, still above him, shook his head. ”Don't. I know you want it. And it's right here, for the taking, when you're ready.”

Loki let his head fall back, eyes closed, made himself exhale, and relax, all over. Then, gently, slowly, to not make the muscles tense up again he angled his hip into it, and moved himself down. It didn't really take much effort, Tony had done well preparing him, and he felt the tip of Tony breach him, then the entire head of his cock, millimeter by slow millimeter.

Gasping in a sharp breath, Tony made Loki look up. The dark eyes were very wide.

”You are goddamn amazing, Loki.”

He blushed. Again. Was that all he ever did these days?

”And you feel goddamn amazing, too.” Tony started pushing back now, getting further inside. ”Not that I'm surprised.”

He kept going, leaning further down to let Loki put his arms around the back of Tony's neck. At the same time slipping his own arms under Loki's shoulders, hands coming up to cradle the back of his head, holding him close. Closer. And then suddenly there was no more space to fill. They were as close as they could possibly get.

All stillness.

”I don't even want to move.”

”You don't have to”, Loki mumbled into the angle between his neck and shoulder.

”Actually, I think I do.”

When he worked up the strength to, Loki was glad he had. Because that made it all even better. Almost too good to handle. He held on to Tony's neck for dear life, afraid he would fall to pieces if he didn't.

And the way Tony was leaning into him still, his own cock was caught between them, both sweat slick by now, and every sliding, rubbing, glorious movement was pushing him closer to what felt like inevitable madness. He knew he was digging nails into Tony's skin by then, but couldn't stop himself, whimpering helplessly. Tony just held on to him, muttering something impossible to make out into his hair.

The climax came suddenly, almost catching him by surprise, throwing his head back from Tony's shoulder, into his cradling hands. Loki was vaguely aware of the strange sensation of clenching around Tony in his spasms, and that seemed to be what did it for Tony as well, who pulled at his hair and rubbed what felt a lot like tears against the side of Loki's face.

Loki didn't even know which one of them was crying. It might have been both.

* * *

Much later, when they remembered how to breathe, Tony forced himself up on straight but shaky arms over Loki, who looked up at him through half closed eyes and with lips parted, slack and wet.

”I don't even have words for that”, Tony admitted. ”And I have a lot of them.”

”Do you need any?”

”Not really. I guess.”

”You made up for last night. If that makes you feel better?”

”I doubt anything could make me feel better. I think I reached maximum level a few minutes ago. Could you tell me again in a couple of hours?”

”Sure.” Loki shifted under him, making a face at the sticky, clingy feel of it. ”After a shower, I think.”

Tony had no objections, and in the warm spray of water, both of them leaning on each other to keep upright, like the center stones of an archway, the feeling of satisfaction somehow became even deeper. And it was still sinking into him when they more or less stumbled into the kitchen, where Loki made coffee while Tony was hanging on to his waist, leaning his head against his back.

It somehow felt like he couldn't breathe if he wasn't touching Loki. Strange as all hell, but not altogether a bad feeling. And Loki didn't seem to feel much different, because when the coffee was brewing he just turned around and got his arms around Tony, leaning against the counter behind him to hold them both upright.

They stood like that in silence until the pot was done. And then a while longer, the warm smell all around them.

”I think I have found at least a few words now.” Tony made an effort to pull back enough to face Loki.

”Oh? Let's hear it then.”

”They're not very specific, more of a cover all, really. But still.” Tony curled his fingers around the elastic in the back of the sweatpants which were all Loki was wearing. ”I love you.”

Loki looked a bit like he had been hit over the head with something really heavy. Then he blinked, his eyes cleared, and his fingers curled into the back of Tony's underwear in the same way.

”That's... very specific, I think. Actually.” A sort of dazed smile moved over his lips. ”And I love you.”

And Tony let those words be enough, and just reached up to kiss him.

Later, cuddled up on the couch, sipping from their cups, Loki had that out of it look on his face again, and Tony put his fingers under his chin, turning his eyes around. They focused, looking confused.

”What?”

”You were miles away, gorgeous. Want to tell me about the trip?”

”I just... Thought of something.” Loki studied his coffee a moment before looking up again. ”No-one's ever told me they loved me before. I mean, apart from family.”

”Well, how about that? Just firsts all around today, then.” Tony smiled at him, and raised his cup in a toast. ”To firsts?”

”Firsts.”

They clanged the cups together, and took a swallow.

”You know what's even better than firsts?” Tony leaned into the backrest.

”What?”

”Seconds.”

Loki's eyes glinted. ”Then I sure look forward to finding out about those as well.”


	4. Thinking

”So. You two? It's really... serious?”

Tony swallowed the sip of his beer and looked up at Thor as he put the bottle down on the table between them, unsure of what to make of the inflection, but the golden, bearded face didn't really help him make sense of what his friend hoped for with that question. It could be pretty much anything. So he decided to answer it with a question of his own, even though he knew Thor hated when people did that.

”Are you asking because you want me to say yes, or because you hope I'll say no?”

The expected frown darkened Thor's eyes. ”Okay, I'll admit I wasn't completely overcome with joy. All right? Just because mixing friends and family and relationships... I've seen things like that go to shit before.”

Tony had to nod. He had too.

”But I know Loki. And let me tell you, I've never seen him like this before. All... happy.” Thor looked baffled by the idea in itself. ”So the reason I'm asking is that I'd like him to stay that way. And I know you, too. You're not really the guy to stick around for long. With anyone.”

Tony had to nod. Again.

Now Thor looked down at his beer, picking at the label, and suddenly reminded Tony a lot of his brother.

”I don't want to sound all dramatic over here, Tony, but I think I need to say this. Because... well, I love you. Both of you. He's my brother and you're my best friend. And I don't want this to end badly.”

”Thor, I don't -”

”No, wait, just hear me out here.”

And Tony forced himself to wait, while Thor picked some more at his bottle. He glanced around at the almost empty bar, sipped his beer, and then looked back in time to see Thor get ready to talk.

”I'm sure this isn't news to you, but Loki, he... thinks. A lot.”

”Man, I just love how you make that sound like an insult.”

Thor pulled a face that ended in a small smile. ”Yeah, yeah, right, I know, I'm not the smartest guy in the group. I'm here because of the team, and that's it. We all know it. You are a smart guy though, just like Loki, and I'm damn sure that's one of the reasons you get along.” Then the smile faded. ”But Tony, seriously, there's thinking, and then there's _thinking_. The bad kind. Worrying. Brooding.”

Tony couldn't say he disagreed, and he himself had told Loki he worried too much, hadn't he?

”He's always been like that. And kept to himself.” Thor took a swallow of beer. ”And at times, it's been... really, really bad. Okay?”

This honestly felt like something Tony should let Loki be the one to tell him, but the worried pinch in Tony's heart wouldn't let him wait for that day to come, and he knew it.

”Bad how?”

”It was the worst right after he found out he was adopted. Guess he told you that part, at least?”

”He told me he was.” Tony shrugged. ”That's it.”

”All right.” Thor rubbed a hand over his face with a sigh. ”It was a _mess_. I didn't really get that then, but I do now. They should have told him way sooner. No, they just should have told him. Period. They didn't, really.” He looked straight at Tony now. ”Don't ask me how or why, because I have no idea, but when he was seventeen, Loki got his hands on our parents' will. And they had left me, well, pretty much every single thing. He would just be getting the bare minimum. Which, naturally, pissed him off. So he searched through some more of the papers in whatever place he had found to look, and discovered some old files from the adoption process.”

Tony winced. ”Damn.”

”Yeah. It got ugly. Really ugly.” A fortifying drink of beer. ”Mom didn't know anything about the thing with the will. That was all dad. They haven't told me any details, but I suspect she was the one who really wanted him in the first place.”

”And Loki didn't take it well, I guess.”

”No. He just... lost it, for a while. Stopped going to school, never left his room, stopped eating, stopped _reading_. And that's when you know it's really bad with him. Mom went a bit crazy too, I think. She was the one who in the end just dragged him out of there and got him to a shrink, and made sure they put him on some first class meds, as well. It still took about a year before he was even sort of back to where he was before.”

”How have you not told me any of this shit before?” Tony was slightly shocked. ”I mean, this is your _family_ , man!”

”I know. I just don't really like to think about that time.” Thor was pale under the tan and the beard. ”Loki was the worst off, for sure, but it wasn't easy on any of us. Some of the things he told me that year...” Thor swallowed. ”I'm not going to tell you too many details, because that wouldn't be right. But I will tell you this, because I think you need to know, so you can handle this with care. Handle _him_ with care.”

He opened his mouth to continue, then he hesitated.

But Tony figured he already knew. ”He told you he thought about killing himself, didn't he?”

Thor nodded stiffly.

”You're afraid that if I lead him on and then dump him, it'll kill him. Literally.” He wasn't even asking this time.

Another nod, and now Thor looked right at him.

”It's okay, Thor. I get it. I really do.” Tony took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and decided to be frank. ”You don't have to worry, though. This isn't my usual... thing. I'm serious about this. Really. Very serious. I'm not about to leave him high and dry. Or, at all, if I can help it.”

For a few moments Thor just studied his face, searching for clues, signs that Tony was lying. But Tony wasn't worried about his friend finding any, because there weren't any to find. Which Thor also seemed to realize after a while.

”Wow.” He leaned back in his seat. ”Tony Stark in love. Fucking hell. I never thought I'd live to see the day.”

”Shut up.” Tony grinned and pushed his empty bottle away. ”I think we have time for one more round before they kick us out.”

”Looks like it.” Thor finished the last of his own drink. ”And you're buying.”

* * *

When Loki walked out of the library, stuffing the last book into his bag, he was still deep in thought, full of the articles he'd read, mentally going over his notes, finding formulations. He was half way down the stairs before he heard the voice calling his name. Confused, he flipped the heavy bag onto his back, nearly knocking the air out of his own lungs, and turned to see Tony come down after him, two steps at a time.

”Almost thought I'd mistaken someone else for you and was shouting at some complete stranger.” Grinning, Tony stopped a step above Loki, so he was suddenly the taller one. ”You done for today?”

”Done here. But I need to get home and write.”

”You can do that later. I brought lunch.” Tony held up a bag from the coffee shop they usually visited. ”Picnic in the park?”

Loki honestly had a lot left to do that day, but saying no to Tony just never seemed to make his to-do-list. And he really was hungry.

They found a bench in i quiet, cool part of the park that stretched out in front of the library, sat down and Tony unpacked the sandwiches and coffe cups between them on the wooden seat.

”I haven't eaten all day.” Tony ripped the paper off a sandwich and tucked right in. ”Think I was sort of hung over this morning. Thor tricked me into getting a couple of shots right before closing time. The bastard.”

While Tony ate, Loki found himself just picking at the crust of the bread with his fingers. He'd been hungry minutes ago, but being reminded that Tony had been with Thor the night before turned his stomach to knots. Suddenly everything about Tony just seemed so overy bright and cheery. And bringing lunch? He'd never done that before.

”I got you the right kind, didn't I?” Tony was watching him.

Loki put the sandwich back on the bag they had covered the bench with, and let his eyes wander over the grass and the flowerbeds. ”You did. I just... Lost my apetite.” He then surprised himself by turning back and blurting out the last question he had planned on asking. ”You talked about me, didn't you?”

The sandwich Tony was holding sank into his lap. His face was suddenly not bright and cheery at all, and Loki had his answer there, already.

”You came up in conversation.”

”And by the look on your face, I'm guessing it wasn't flattering.” Loki felt his lips press into a thin line. ”Why don't you just spit the whole sorry thing out and be done?”

Tony sighed. ”Just don't be pissed at your brother, okay? He didn't go into any detail, really, and he only told me what he did because he was worried.”

The knots and tangles in Loki's stomach tightened, but he stayed silent. He sure as hell wasn't promising anything about not getting pissed. It was too late, anyway. He already was.

When Tony saw he wouldn't say anything, he put his sandwich down and turned on the bench, to face Loki over the forgotten lunch.

”Yeah, well, you can probably guess, but anyway. He told me about how you found out, about your family, and how you felt. After.” Tony hesitated. ”And that you thought about quitting all of it.”

Loki's heart froze over.

No, no, no! He'd wanted to be the one to tell Tony about those things.

Actually, well, no, that was a filthy lie . He hadn't ever wanted to tell him. And never wanted anyone else to do it either. How could he have wanted that?

Tony was this sparkling force of light and joy. How could you explain to a guy like him what it was like to look around and just see shadows and darkness? To wonder when it would all be too hopeless to want to go on? The endless, empty hours and the gut checks?

You couldn't, that's how. And Loki knew that, because he'd tried explaining it to his brother, who was in many ways the same as Tony, all golden, glorious life, and that had never worked. Thor had cared, or course, worried over him. Even stayed by his side on some of the worst nights, when Loki had been standing with his toes over the edge of the abyss and needed someone to hold on to, to pull him back. It had helped him through it and he would be forever grateful, but he knew that Thor had never really understood any of it. He was sure Tony never would either.

All at once, Loki wanted to cry. Or scream. Or both.

Did Thor really have to do this to him? Was he so intent upon keeping Tony for himself that he just couldn't let Loki have the only thing he had ever really, truly wanted? The only thing he'd ever been offered? Thor had enough! Couldn't he give up a part of something, just this once?

No, obviously not. He just had to go open his mouth and ruin everything.

Because there was no doubt in Loki's mind that Tony would now think he was some kind of sick, pathetic freak, even more than he had already known about, and give up on this whole thing. Poor little Loki. Too fragile to handle. Better leave him here and go play with someone a bit sturdier...

Not so goddamn amazing now, was he?

Eyes stinging, throat cramping, his hands so numb he hardly noticed the fingers that came to entwine with his until he glanced down and saw the blurred outlines of them.

"Loki. Please don't."

He looked up at Tony's face. 'Don't' what? He hadn't done anything! At least he didn't think he had. Was he doing something wrong without even knowing it?

"I can see you running and hiding in there. But please, just, stay with me, okay?"

Confusion. Why was Tony asking him to stay? Loki wasn't going anywhere. He was stuck here, with himself and his past. Tony was the one leaving.

Wasn't he?

But the longer Loki studied those warm, brown eyes, the more that question mark grew. It didn't look like Tony was running.

"This isn't what I know you think it is."

"What?" It came out a croak. Very attractive. Really.

"Thor didn't tell me to scare me away from you." The warm fingers gripped Loki's cold ones a bit firmer. "He was mostly worried that I would fuck this whole thing up."

Loki pulled his head back at that, frowning. He didn't dare try to talk again, but Tony knew the question anyway.

Now Tony gave him a crooked little smile. ”I'm not the guy known for my long and committed relationships. Even you have to know that, right?"

That sure was no secret, and Loki nodded, although reluctantly. He hadn't let himself think about that too much.

"He was worried _for you_ , that I'd do what I have always done before and just carry on to the next thing." Tony lifted Loki's hand and placed a kiss on the back of it. "And I told him that if I have any say in it, which I hope I do, there won't be a 'next thing'. At least not for a long time." 

No, this definitely was not what Loki had thought it was. He swallowed. More confused than ever. ”But he told you... You know I'm... I'm _pathetic._ Why would you want to...?” He made no sense and gave up.

”I really don't know anything like that, Loki.” Tony was serious again. ”I know you were dealt a really shitty hand, by people you trusted to play with open cards, and you did the best you could with it. I don't see anything pathetic in that. At all.”

”But I'm not -”

”What? Not perfect? Well, tough shit. You know who is?”

”You?” Loki hardly believed the smile he managed with the word.

Tony actually laughed at that. He leaned forward to catch Loki's face in his hands, pull it closer and place a kiss on his lips. ”Sweet talking smartass. Flattery will get you everywhere”, he mumbled against Loki, before sitting back again. ”Much as I hate to admit it, though, you're wrong. The correct answer is 'no-one'. None of us comes with a perfect record or a clean slate. And I wouldn't have it any other way, really. Because that's what makes us the ones we are.”

For a while they sat in silence, just the breeze in the trees above them talking.

”You know what the very worst part of it was?” Loki was looking at his hands again, but he could feel them now. They weren't ice cold any more.

”Tell me.”

”It made me feel so bloody _stupid_.” Loki huffed out something that could have been a laugh if it hadn't tasted so bitter. ”I should have guessed it, long before I found those papers. Just used my eyes and seen what was right in front of me; the fact that I don't look even a little like any of them.”

He paused, and Tony let him, probably sensing there was more coming.

”I don't have Thor's muscles. Or looks. Or charisma. I just have my head. That's all I've ever taken pride in. And I _hate_ feeling stupid. More than anything.”

”That I get. But that said, I still have to point out that you're wrong, again.”

Loki looked up, eyebrow raised.

”You might not be built like a brick shithouse, but you're sure as hell not lacking when it comes to looks. Anywhere on you. Gorgeous.” He grinned. ”And you charmed me pretty damn quickly.”

For a moment, Loki just stared. Then he managed a smile. ”And _I'm_ the sweet talking smartass?”

* * *

Tony had originally planned to sleep at his own place that night, since he had an early class and he lived a bit closer to campus than Loki did, but after their talk in the park, that plan was off. No fucking way was he leaving Loki alone after that one. Bad enough Loki's afternoon of studying had gone to shit, really. Although, it turned out that, as usual, he was about three months ahead of the class, and after that Tony felt a little less bad about that part of it, at least.

He finally managed to make Loki eat the by now pretty stale sandwich they had brought back, washed down with a beer, and after that Loki was so exhausted he almost fell over trying to leave the couch. So Tony got him to bed, and even stripped down and got in there with him, even though it was really too early for him to sleep.

For the first time ever, Loki didn't turn his back and hide his face by the wall to sleep there. Instead he faced Tony, put a leg over his, an arm over his chest, and placed his head on his shoulder.

It felt sort of like a miracle, but Tony didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so he just reached out to place a kiss on Loki's hairline. Even though Tony's heart was doing tiny flips of pure joy in is chest.

Loki fell asleep almost instantly.

Tony stayed awake for a long time, feeling warm, slow breaths fanning over his chest, and the gentle, dreaming movements of fingers against his ribs. 

He really didn't mind.

When he woke up the next morning, the alarm of his own cell going off this time, Loki was still in the exact same position as he had fallen asleep. Hadn't moved so much as an inch during the night. As Tony turned back after shutting the alarm up, he had angled his head back and was blinking up at him though.

”Sorry about that”, Tony mumbled, getting a hand up to brush the back of his fingers against Loki's cheek. ”I have to get up if I'm going to make it in on time.”

”'Sokay.” Loki turned his head into the touch. ”I'll fix you some breakfast.”

”You really don't have to, you know. Sleep some more.”

”All done. And I want to. You go to the bathroom.”

Tony didn't find any more protests, so he did as he was told, shaved, washed, got dressed, to come back to the kitchen and find coffee and scrambled eggs, and Loki, leaning against the edge of the tiny sink sipping from his own cup.

”Want me to come over tonight?” Tony asked around a mouthful of delicious eggs.

”Actually. I was thinking about that.”

Something in Loki's voice made Tony swallow and wait tensely for the rest.

”We are here, all the time. And I still have never seen your place. Even once.”

Tony smiled then. ”That's really easy to fix. You just need to know, that there are a lot less books over there.”

”I could bring some?”

”You and the books are welcome. Meet me by the campus gates by five, and we'll pick up food on the way. Do the books like thai, by any chance?”

There came Loki's answering smile. ”Not sure.” 

”We'll find out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just a tiny, personal note to my FrostIron Family: Even though this Loki is in some ways based on me and my life, the issues in this chapter _are not_. Just in case anyone worries.  <3 )


	5. Beg

In some ways Tony's place reminded Loki of his own. It was two rooms, kitchen and bathroom, just like his. But this apartment was twice the size, with high ceilings, and tall windows letting in the light of the afternoon sun. Unlike Loki's home, it was also very bare. The white walls were mostly empty, the few pieces of furniture simple and sleek. It could have felt cold, but it didn't. It just felt open and welcoming.

Loki stood in the middle of the living room, breathing in the new yet very familiar scents of a place he had never visited, but knew the owner of. Intimately.

"How do you like it?" Tony came up behind him and put his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Loki's shoulder.

"There really are a lot less books."

”Can't say I didn't warn you.”

”True.” Loki put a hand over Tony's arms. ”But not counting that huge flaw? I like it. It's very... you.”

”Thank you.” A kiss touched his neck. ”Let's eat. I'm starving.”

They never did find out what Loki's books thought of thai food, but it turned out Loki really liked it. He had hardly eaten at all the day before, after all, and now the mix of sweet and savoury that was coconut milk and green curry sparked his apetite again.

After eating, they spent the night in front of the TV, mostly silent, each one lost in thoughts of the previous day, but none of them ready to put words to it just yet. Loki was relieved that they seemed to be on the same page, because he had to gather more strength before dealing with this, even though he had spent the entire day thinking about it.

To his surprise, he had at least been able to do so calmly and constructively. But really, anything other than him lying in a heap of heartbreak on the floor this day was way beyond anything he would have expected. That had honestly been the only outcome he had thought possible when he had understood that Thor had revealed his darkest secrets to Tony. 

That Tony was still here was nothing short of a miracle, the way Loki saw it. Being able to reflect on what to say next, how to move _forward_ instead of just stopping himself from falling apart, that felt unreal.

Still, it took him the whole night to get his head together.

When they went to bed, Tony had clearly noticed something was coming, and instead of hitting the lights, he got down on the bed beside Loki, whose head was propped up on a couple of pillows, reading. Or pretending to. And when Tony was lying beside him, he gave up on it and put the book away.

"I've been thinking.” He rolled his head to the side on the pillows, looking at Tony's face, waiting but completely patient. ”A lot. About what we talked about yesterday."

Tony put an elbow against the mattress and supported his head in his hand. "You don't have to talk about it, you know. If you don't want to."

"Actually, I do have to.” Loki still felt his lips twist, indecisively, even though he knew he was right. ”This part, what I have been thinking about the most, is... It's really important. And I don't know how well I'll get it said. So just... let me try, okay?"

Tony nodded. There was a hint of something worried moving behind the warmth in his eyes, but Loki tried not to let that get to him. He had to say this as clearly as possible. It was vital he got this point across.

"I'm not pissed any more.” He started somewhere that felt more neutral. ”At Thor, I mean. I was at first, but I understand why he told you. He meant well. But he was wrong thinking he had to warn you."

Loki paused to think of words that would fit. Tony let him.

"Those thoughts? I haven't had those in a long time. And being with you? It's helped me even more. Mostly because you don't want me to feel better for you, to make you happy. You want me to feel better for me." He saw a smile on Tony's lips then, and answered it before going on. And when he did, he turned serious. "If this... thing... with us... didn't work out? I'd still take that part with me. The part that was for me. Sure, it'd still... hurt me. Like some fresh kind of hell. But I'd _never_... I wouldn't..."

He had to close his eyes and pull in a long, shaky breath. "Hurting myself beause you chose to leave? I couldn't... do that to you. _Ever_. I need you to know that."

Loki opened his eyes again, and found the dark ones watching him, wide and liquid. Still, Tony was silent.

"You knowing those... things, about me, and still being here? I can't even... tell you... how happy I am about that." Loki swallowed. "But the last thing in this world I would want, is for you to stay with me _because_ of those things. Thinking you had to, because I'd make you regret it if you left. If that was some threat holding you back from doing what was right. For you. Then I'd hate myself. Probably never forgive myself either."

He sighed, rubbed his hand over his face, feeling tears he hadn't even noticed were falling, and looked at Tony again.

"I've spent my whole life being the dark, looming shadow. I don't want to be that with you. You deserve better. And to be happy. And if that's not with me? I wouldn't want to be the thing to darken that happiness, just because I couldn't be the one giving it to you."

They were both silent for a while, then Loki decided he had nothing more.

"Did... any of that even make sense?"

"Are you kidding?" Tony's voice was hoarse. He reached his hand out and placed it around Loki's jaw, thumb stroking the hollow under his cheekbone. "That was probably the most beautiful, selfless fucking thing anyone has said to me. Ever.

This time Loki felt the tears fall, but he couldn't make himself care.

"And I'm relieved to hear it", Tony continued. "Not because I plan on leaving, mind you. But you shouldn't want to hurt yourself because of me anyway. I'm not worth that. No-one's worth that."

Loki couldn't find any more words. He just turned toward Tony, pushing himself against him, hiding his face by the folded arm supporting his head. Then Tony's other arm was on his back, holding him even closer.

"You _are_ the one making me happy, though." Tony was mumbling into his hair. "To me, you sure are no dark shadow, Loki."

The only answer Loki could give was placing his arm around Tony's waist and holding him too, fingers pressing into his back. If he tried opening his mouth he'd just fall to pieces, but he didn't think he had to speak to make Tony know what he felt anyway. And that was the most amazing part in all of it, really.

* * *

None of them had any classes the next day, and they spent a long, lazy morning in bed. They didn't speak much, just held each other, enjoying the calm after the last two days of intense emotions. Tony knew it had been tough and painful, but he also knew it had created an even stronger bond than what had been there before. Brought them closer.

The only reason they left the bed, and put on clothes, was to go out and eat a late breakfast. Unlike Loki, Tony had nothing but beer and vodka in his fridge.

When they walked back to the apartment, the thoughtful silence had turned to something warmer and more relaxed. And by the time they were back inside, the warmth had increased.

Taking his jacket off, Tony thought he heard Loki say something, and turned.

"What's that?"

Suddenly, Tony had his back against the wall. Loki's hands were on either side of his head, a mouth there to claim his as it's own. It took him a moment to be able to gather his wits and give a response, but then the delighted surprise made it even more heartfelt.

Loki never initiated anything like this. And with someone else, that might have bothered Tony, made him doubt that he was really wanted, but with Loki it wasn't an issue. Maybe because the reactions from Loki when Tony initiated things were so strong. Tony didn't think he had ever been with anyone so responsive. Hidden under that cool, calm exterior was something wild and fiery, and he knew a single touch was usually enough to make it spring to life, flaring hot. It left no room for doubt, really.

And of course, Tony knew about the other things hiding in there, the insecurities and the lack of faith in his own appeal and abilities that shaped most things Loki did. This course of action was all new, and the newfound bravery it had to take for Loki to take action at all, it turned Tony on even more than the simple act in itself.

At first, though, he held back, kept his hands by his sides. He didn't want to scare Loki off, or in any way take away from this being his thing, his time to shine.

Then Loki let go of his lips and brushed his cheek against Tony's. "Please", he breathed. "Touch me, Tony. I need your hands on me."

In no way did he have to ask twice.

The words were barely out of his mouth before the tips of Tony's fingers were finding their way in under the hem of his t-shirt, to caress the smooth skin over his lean, firm abdomen. And then palms sliding around his waist, up his back.

Loki moaned in his ear and moved closer, just pulling his head back to catch Tony's mouth again.

They stayed by that wall a long time, exchanging heated kisses, trailing bites down each other's necks, pulling at hair, and all the while touching. Touching, stroking, rubbing, caressing very single inch of the other they could reach. All their clothes stayed on, like it was a challenge to see who could cover most of the other's skin without getting rid of the garments.

Tony knew he was winning. He'd just had a lot more practice.

But then Loki seemed to lose his patience. He backed away, gripping Tony's hand in the movement, pulling him to the bedroom door.

Before they were by the bed, all their clothes were gone. And so was, apparently, Loki's new courage. Standing, willing but waiting, by the foot of it, until Tony moved over, turned him around, and pushed him face first down on it. Tony just took a detour by the nightstand to get what he knew would be needed, before getting in there with him.

Almost teasingly, Tony just rubbed a slick thumb against Loki, not even pressing, making Loki squirm.

"Please", Loki whispered, almost into the pillow, so that Tony barely heard him. "Please, please..."

It seemed to be the only word he had left to use, but it was enough anyway. Tony didn't need any clearer instructions. And what Loki's voice couldn't say, his body said for him, so eager he nearly impaled himself on Tony's searching fingers. It all went a lot faster than last time, and Tony suspected Loki would feel this in the morning, but he couldn't really hold back either.

The hot, greedy want was rubbing off on him, and after a brief few moments of three fingers pushing hard into Loki, he got the condom on, and took their place.

Loki shouted out, but kept on moving back against him, almost forcing him in. The word "please" still tumbled over his lips, mixed with panting breaths and what sounded like sobs. All need and frantic searching for more.

Up until now, Tony had never been anything but gentle patience. Soft kindness. Warm tenderness. And he really was those things, all of them, none of that had ever been a lie or a game. But what he had here right at this moment, the display of total and helpless _giving_ under him, it triggered the part of Tony that wanted to take, own, and then demand more of the same.

He went with the impulse, couldn't really stop himself, and reached out to wind his hand into Loki's hair, sweeping up most of it in a firm grip, holding, pulling hard enough that he knew it would burn. Tilting Loki's head back, slowly but steadily, making him arch his back. And turned his head in the same movement, until Loki could catch a glimpse of Tony over his own shoulder.

"Please." It was even more breathless now. "Please, Tony."

Hearing his name said like that, like a prayer, was just the last straw. He couldn't rein it in anymore.

"I love it when you beg, gorgeous." Tony heard it himself; that _tone_ in his voice, the one that had never been there before when he had been with Loki.

For one short moment he was in Limbo, wondering if Loki would protest it, refuse to play along. And he knew that he would, and could, pull it all back the instant he got the sign to do so, that this wasn't something that was wanted or welcome.

Then, in a response that almost felt like magic to Tony, he saw Loki's eyes turn black when his pupils dilated so much they seemed to fill them entirely. His neck went limp, letting his head be pulled even further back, his hips pushing back into Tony's, the wet lips parting with a sigh.

" _Please!_ " A moan from the very core of Loki, the heart and soul of him. Giving every part of it over to Tony with that single word.

It was the sweetest sound he had ever heard.

Tony was starting to wonder if he hadn't jumped to conclusions telling Loki that he wasn't perfect. He sure seemed pretty damn close.

Moving back, the grip on Loki's hair still in place, and the other under his hip to help him up, Tony shifted them up from the mattress until he was on his knees, Loki astride his thighs, still with Tony's cock buried inside. Tony kept Loki's head pulled back enough to hold him arched, taut as a string, but still giving him the space he would need to move. Because, of course, that was what Tony wanted him to do.

”I think you can figure this one out.” The tone was still there. No room for questions, arguments, discussion.

And Loki could. On long, sleek thighs that felt steel hard against Tony's, he lifted himself up, to fall back down again, just guided by Tony's hand still on his hip, Loki's own hands coming back to rest on the tops of Tony's thighs. They both gave a groan as he repeated the move, again, and then again.

Even though he really wished this could have carried on forever, Tony soon felt that option was not available. There was just one thing he needed to do first.

He slid his hand away from Loki's hip, down to his cock, very gently circling his fingers around it, letting Loki get a hint of the stimulation every move would give him if Tony would just make that grip a bit firmer...

”Just beg for it, and it's yours.”

There was not even a second of hesitation, not one single hint of it. ”Tony, please! I beg you!”

He got his reward immediately, and just three lifts of his hips later he came, hot on Tony's fingers. Before he had even gotten all the way through it, Tony let his hair go, pushed him down on the stained covers, thrusting hard, and very, very soon he was falling down on top of Loki, seeing stars.

* * *

Loki let Tony roll him over until they were on their sides, catching their breath, getting back in touch with reality. Which felt like it took some more work than usual. Some part of him had wandered off on a completely new path, and was now slowly returning. Pleased and satisfied. But Loki had no idea where it had been.

He just knew it had been sweet.

”What... just... happened?” Words were so _hard_ right now, but he was bursting with curious wonder.

There came a breathless laugh against his hair. ”As always when you are involved, something goddamn amazing.”

”I... noticed. Actually. Is that something you have wanted all along?”

”Let's just say it's something I've hardly dared to dream would happen.” Tony tilted his head to kiss Loki's neck, giving him delicious shivers. ”But if you let it, I'd love for it to happen again.”

Loki turned that over in his head. 

_If you let it._

Just like when Tony had first opened his body up to get inside, and it had felt like something was given rather than taken, this was the same. Only this time, it was his mind that had been opened up. He'd been given the choice to turn over some power to Tony, something he had never even reflected over the existence of but now realized must have been there all along, and he had chosen to do it. Unhesitatingly.

Because why would he have hesitated, really?

No part of Tony's influence in his life had done anything to tear him down, make him weaker, or hurt. Only ever the opposite. Why would this be any different?

Loki saw no reason that it should.

He twisted himself around in Tony's arms, until they could see each other. Tony's face was very still, holding back some emotions that Loki could really only guess at. But he was sure he saw hope in the brown eyes.

”I love you, Tony”, he smiled around the words. ”And I think I'd love for that to happen again, too.”

”Goddamn amazing.” Tony grinned, pulled him closer, and kissed him.

Loki thought it tasted like triumph, but he didn't know for which one of them. Until he realized it was for them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (So it apparently turns out they are both just ever so slightly perverted. Anyone who's surprised raise a hand! *sits on hands*)


	6. Restraint

They were sitting side by side on Loki's bed, looking down at the packed suitcase by their feet. It was full to bursting and very, very heavy. According to Tony's calculations, it contained 83,7% books. It was lucky Thor would be there with the car to pick Loki up in the morning, really. Tony wasn't sure Loki could have gotten the thing down the stairs by himself.

Loki sighed. "I know it's not how you planned on spending part of your summer. But is there any way you could? Please? If not, I might just.. run away. Like a little kid. Jump on a train and come back here."

Tony chuckled and took his hand, where it had been resting on his leg. "I sure don't feel like seeing your face on the back of a milk carton one of these days." He squeezed the hand tighter. "I have physics to finish up on wednesday, but that's the last of it. You think you can manage four days without me?"

"No." Loki smiled when he met his eyes, though. "But I guess I have to. At least it will be easier if I know you're coming."

"I'll come. Promise. As long as you don't think your parents will mind?"

Shaking his head, Loki looked back down at the suitcase. "They won't. At least mom won't. That's, well, really the only thing that matters."

"Then I'll see you wednesday night."

Their kiss goodbye didn't ever want to end, and walking back home, alone, made Tony feel painfully empty. Suddenly he wasn't sure he could manage four days without Loki.

* * *

Loki was sitting the way he always did in the car. His shoes kicked off, and his feet oddly angled to fit in between the dashboard and the windshield, long legs folded back against him. From time to time he caught Thor glancing over at him, like he always did.

"You have to sit like that?" The usual grumble. "If I crash, you'll snap in half."

"Then don't crash." Loki didn't take his eyes off the road to answer.

For nearly an hour they traveled in silence, the green landscape getting more and more familiar with every passing mile. Then Loki suddenly heard a heavy sigh, felt the car slow down, and then turn to pull over by the side of the road. Frowning, he turned to his brother, who was still staring straight ahead, hands on the wheel.

"What are you doing?"

Thor looked over, at last, blue eyes tired. "Is there any way we could get this off our chests before we get there?"

Loki shifted his eyes back to his feet.

"You had no right." He clenched his teeth, struggling to keep his voice at least reasonably calm. He'd told Tony he wasn't pissed off anymore, but apparently that hadn't been entirely true. "You had no right telling him."

"I know." Thor's deep voice was unusually soft. "And me knowing that only makes it worse. Not better. I know that, too. But I just had to. I know Tony. I know what he's always been like. If he'd -"

"That's not the point!" Loki glared now. "I know why you did it. I know you didn't mean to be an asshole. Because you never do. But Thor, you really had no right. If you were so damn worried about me getting used up and thrown away, you should have come to me!"

The golden face fell. "I know", he repeated, almost a whisper now. "I should have. Loki, I'm so sorry. I really am. Just the thought of Tony being... Tony, and never knowing what he would be doing to you..."

"That would have been better."

"Loki!" The blue eyes were suddenly wide. "What the hell?! I thought you liked him?"

"I don't 'like' him. I love him." Blue eyes getting even wider. "But I wouldn't want him to be with me out of fear of hurting me if he wasn't. I'm not that selfish. Actually."

"Loki, please..."

"No. Just... don't." Loki stared ahead again. "The next time you are worried about me, you come to _me_. Or you just keep your big, stupid mouth shut all together. Going behind my back doesn't help me. At all."

"I will. I promise." A large hand came into Loki's field of vision, to rest on his lower left arm. "And I really am so fucking sorry."

It was Loki's turn to sigh, glancing over at his brother's pained face. "I know you are. And that's why I might even forgive you. Not today, though."

"That's okay. I swear. I didn't expect you to." Thor turned back, gripping the wheel, and checked the mirrors before getting them back into traffic.

They traveled in silence again, for a while.

"You love him?"

"Yes."

"I'm pretty sure he loves you, too."

"I know."

"That's good." A pause. "I'm still worried. Not gonna lie. But that's good."

Loki hesitated. "I'm worried, too. To be honest. But I always am, on the other hand." He briefly met Thor's eyes, and managed to form a pale smile. "It really doesn't matter, though. Because I'm taking the chance anyway."

"Then I hope it'll pay off. Honestly." Thor's voice was more back to it's normal rumble now.

"So do I." Loki watched the trees flashing by. "So do I."

At least the tension between them was mostly gone now, and that was a relief. Being angry at Thor was one of the worst things there was. Loki loved his brother, dearly, had him to thank for so much. His life, actually. And he wasn't a bad guy. He just was a clumsy oaf who stumbled into things, meaning well, and ended up knocking everything over and making it worse.

Loki somehow wished he'd been able to hold on to the anger for longer. Now he had nothing at all to distract him from how much he already missed Tony.

Today was saturday. Tony would be coming on wednesday. Almost four days alone with his family.

Oh, joy.

* * *

Loki was a terrible driver. Really, truly terrible. It was the first thing Tony had seen him do that he didn't fully master, and damn, when he was bad at something, he sure went all in. He stalled the engine, took wrong turns, forgot to signal, cut people off because he didn't look the right way, braked so hard they nearly got whiplash... Tony lasted about three minutes of it.

"Loki?"

"Yes?" A distracted mumble as he tried to figure out the stick shift. The gears sounded as tormented as Loki's face looked.

"Could you please, for the love of all that is holy, pull over and stop the car?"

Loki glanced at him, blushed, but actually managed to find a parking spot on the same street, and fill it, without scratching anything in the process. Fucking miracle, really. He pulled a shaky breath, took his hands off the wheel and buried his face in them.

"I hate driving."

"Oh? Really? I'd never have guessed." Tony got his hands off the seat and the door handle, which he had been gripping so hard his fingers hurt. "I'd love to let you keep at it, but frankly, I didn't pack enough clothes to piss my pants within fifteen minutes of getting off the train."

Laughing, Loki lowered his hands again. "You want to take over?"

"Fuck yes."

They got out of the car and changed places. Loki turned out to be a lot better at giving directions than he had been at driving, and they were soon out of the small town, on the narrow road leading to Loki's family home.

"So you did manage four days out here after all?"

Loki gave a snort. "Barely. I've been so bored, you have no idea! Thor's been feeling guilty, and when he does, he won't leave me alone. So I have had to spend hours watching pointless action movies with him, just so he would stop staring at me, like a kicked dog."

Tony knew that look, and just grinned at the road.

"And my mom has been feeding me and treating me like the baby I will always be in her eyes. Like mothers do. And that's pretty much it."

No mention of his father, Tony noticed. Considering what Thor had told him, he wasn't really surprised by that.

”Take a right up ahead”, Loki continued his directions then. ”The road lined with oaks. That's the one we're to go down.”

”All right.”

The trees were huge and ancient, and at the end of the road was a house that looked the same. It was painted such a pale shade of gray it almost looked white against the dark forest behind it, ghostly in the fading daylight, tall and elegant. Loki told him to park in front of a darker gray garage, and then they carried Tony's bags over to the house. The inside of it was cool and quiet. Very quiet.

”Thor's visiting old friends. Won't be back until tomorrow, I think.” Loki kicked his shoes off, and Tony did the same. ”Mom and dad are out shopping groceries for dinner, but they should be back soon. How about we get you settled in my room while we wait?”

”In your room?” Tony raised an eyebrow. Somehow, he hadn't expected to be allowed to share a bed with Loki in his parents' house. 

Loki stopped, halfway to picking up one of of his bags from the floor, and straighened again to look at him, dissappointment showing through on his pale features. ”You want your own? There are a few spare ones, I guess I could -”

”Hell no.” Tony grinned at him. ”I'd just have to sneak into your bed in the middle of the night anyway.”

That made Loki relax and smile again. ”Come on then.”

Tony thought he would have been able to guess which room in the house was Loki's on the first try. The colours of the walls were the same as in his apartment; 'shelves' and 'books'. Obviously his favourites. On the right, two doors led to a walk in closet, and an ensuite. By the only but wide window was a just as wide bed, with a wraught iron frame.

 _Perfect._

Tony had had quite a few daydreams on the train ride here, and some of them went really well with those sturdy metal bars.

For now, he was happy just to drop his bag in a corner, grab Loki and pull him down on that bed, duvet soft around them. In a tangled embrace, sharing slow, searing kisses, they wordlessly spoke of how much they had missed each other. Tony lost all sense of space and time for a while, and when there came a soft knock on the door he returned to reality with a start.

”Loki?” It was a woman's warm voice. Tony could have sworn it was also just ever so slightly amused. 

”Yes?” Loki managed to keep his voice clean and clear, somehow.

”I put the dinner on the table in half an hour.”

”We'll be there.”

And then she must have left again.

”I guess I should actually start getting ready for dinner, then.” Tony sat up. 

”You should. She doesn't like it when people are late to the table.”

”And now you tell me?”

Loki just grinned. The bastard. But they did get to the table on time.

Frigga, Loki's and Thor's mother, turned out to be just as tall and golden and warmly spectacular as her older son. She had a kind smile, the straightest back Tony had seen on a woman, and bright gray eyes that studied him with open curiosity.

Tony couldn't really figure out what had at some point made her attracted to the heavy, solid, withdrawn Odin, who seemed hardly present more than to give a nod and a rumbled greeting. 

He could, on the other hand, see what Loki had meant when he had said he should have figured out the truth about his family, since he looked nothing like any of them. They were all gold and light and stability and powerful features. Even Frigga. She was a beautiful woman, no doubt about that, but even hers were almost more masculine than Loki's delicate, fine lines. And his stark contrasts of black and white were very different from their colouration.

Frigga was the one keeping the conversation alive over the meal of roast chicken and vegetables. She kept it light and friendly, and Tony found himself relaxing into the thing. This whole meeting the parents business wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Still, it was a relief when they retired back to Loki's room, excusing themselves with the explanation that Tony was tired after the trip. Which wasn't really a lie. He was. But not only tired.

The fact that Loki locked the door behind them this time told Tony he wasn't the only one with other plans than sleeping. And when they were soon back on the bed, the kisses still searing but no longer slow, he was sure of it.

Tony already had his hands down the back of Loki's pants, when he seemed to think of something. His long hands came up to Tony's chest, pushing him back so they could see each other.

”I just realized I never packed any things for... us.”

”Well, how about that? Lucky I did, then.” 

Tony pulled back a bit more and got up from the bed, walking over to the bag in the corner. He'd actually guessed that Loki wouldn't think that far ahead when packing the last things for the trip, but he very much enjoyed thinking ahead when it came to things like this. So he had made sure to bring the lube, condoms, and... well, a few other things.

One of those, he brought back to the bed, not even trying to hide it when he sat back down by Loki's side. Eyes just slightly wider than usual, Loki sat up as well, reaching out, instinctively wanting to get his hands on what was new to his eyes. 

It was a pair of leather cuffs, simple but well made, thick and sturdy but with a soft inside. No sharp edges. Connected with metal clasps that made it possible to use them separately as well. 

And Loki ran his fingertips over all of it, getting to know the feel of them. When he looked up Tony saw in his eyes that Loki knew for sure they were meant for him. But Tony was less certain about what Loki felt about that. His usually so expressive face was blank, the eyes seeming to search Tony's for answers just as his were searching Loki's.

Tony decided to just be clear about the most obvious thing.

”I won't make you wear them.”

Loki looked down at the cuffs, and then back at him, smiling a slow smile, and with a glint in the green eyes that Tony could only call sly. ”But isn't that what you want? To make me?”

Tony could only stare for a moment. Not for the first time feeling sure he hadn't made it through the wrong window that night; he'd more likely fallen off that stupid ivy, broken his neck, and by some cosmic glitch ended up in heaven. Or he'd put himself in an alcohol induced coma and was just dreaming. Because no way in hell was this shit real.

”Yes.” He finally found the words. ”That's exactly what I want.”

”And you want me to resist it.” That one wasn't even a question.

”I do.”

Loki blinked. ”Is it wrong that I both want to let you, and want to fight you?”

”Not even a little.”

”Then I'll let you make me.”

And wasn't that just the most perfect way to sum this thing up?

* * *

It was an intense but quiet thing, this fight. Not about screams and wild swings and fists. No, there was just control and power and the physical decision of who would end up having it. Even though in their minds, the decision was already made.

Loki was the slightly taller one, with longer limbs, and that gave him some leverage. Tony had the advantage of weight, and muscle, but most of all he had experience, and Loki was just now realizing how much.

Tony's hands would grip him firmly, not painfully hard, but all the time using his own angles and joints against him, making him weak and stopping every attempt at really fighting back. And he used his legs and feet and even his hips to shift and turn him, his elbows and shoulders to pin him, getting Loki exactly where he wanted him. Which was on his back, in the middle of the bed, resolutely pulling the one arm he had already fastened in a cuff towards the metal bars of the bed frame. When he had it there, and started pulling the still free arm to join it, expertly keeping the rest of Loki down with hips and legs, Loki felt himself giving in.

His hands secured, Tony moved back down over Loki, until their eyes met. They were both still fully dressed, but through their clothes Loki could feel how probably painfully hard Tony was, pushing against him. In his chest, his heart felt like it was spinning, the strangest thing he had ever felt.

Loki knew Tony was searching his eyes to find any hint of unease, of Loki going back on his decision to _let him_. He hoped there was nothing in there that could look that way, but just to be sure there were no misunderstandings, he fought past the pulled up arms and forced angles and muscles to lift his head off the bed, just slightly. He couldn't reach all the way up to kiss Tony, even though they were so close. So he opened his mouth, reached his tongue out, and just managed to lick his bottom lip.

That made Tony smile, and Loki knew he'd gotten the point across.

Then Tony obviously felt sure enough to move away, unbutton Loki's jeans, and get him naked from the waist down. His t-shirt would obviously stay on, but when he'd gotten rid of his own clothes and came back to straddle Loki's thighs again, Tony at least pushed it away, leaning in to run his tongue over one of Loki's nipples. Followed by nipping teeth. Gasping, Loki pulled at the restraints and then stopped himself, surprised by the clink of metal on metal when they held him from moving. 

He'd already forgotten they were there.

When he glanced down, Tony was grinning at him.

”Pull all you want, gorgeous. That's why they're there.”

And before long, Loki did. Because Tony didn't keep his tongue – or his teeth – on just Loki's chest. Oh, no. He traveled all the way down his front, to place gentle licks on his cock, now just as painfully hard as Tony's had seemed to be all along. And as he did that, Loki felt slick fingers find their way in between his legs. He had never even noticed Tony make his preparations.

He did notice Tony prepare him, however. Slowly. So slowly he thought he would just go insane before it was done. Last time, he had hastened the whole thing, and he was wondering if this wasn't some kind of payback.

When Tony finally, _finally_ , pushed into him, Loki had completely forgotten where they were, and let out an all to loud moan.

Immediately, Tony's hand was over his mouth. Hard. A thumb firmly pressed to his chin, forcing his head back. And then it was lucky the hand was there, because the things Tony's mouth did on his neck would have made it impossible to keep quiet. Not to mention the things his other hand then started doing to his cock. Once more slowly enough to almost drive him mad, Tony moving inside him the same way.

When the mounting desperation for release must have been visible in his eyes, Tony gave him a just as slow, teasing smile.

”You know what you have to do.”

_I love it when you beg._

Loki managed a tiny nod.

”But, quietly”, Tony reminded him, before he took his hand away from Loki's mouth.

At first, Loki just had to breathe for a moment, to stop himself screaming. Despite the warning.

”I beg you, Tony!” He whispered it, at last. ”Please! I need it!”

”I know you do. But tell me again, anyway.”

”Please, Tony!” It was really a sob now. A gasp. ”Help me!”

Then slow was over and done with, at last. And when he came, twisting and fighting the cuffs, the hand had to silence him again. He was grateful that it did.

* * *

Tony was grateful they had their own shower. They were probably going to be needing that one. A lot.

Drying themselves, he noticed Loki inspecting the slightly red marks the cuffs had left on his wrists. It made him tense up first, until he saw the twitch of a smile and the glow of... fascination? And then he was more curious than worried.

”You like that?”

Loki's head came up, slightly blank at first, then the smile came on for real. ”I do.”

”Huh.” Tony grinned. ”Well, if you like marks, we can make some more.”

He could actually see the shudder of anticipation.

Tony had obviously created a monster. He really couldn't be more pleased.

Back on the bed, Loki stretched out on it, yawning. He was clearly tired, but his face was still intent, and Tony could see many, bright thoughts move behind the green eyes as he came to sit down beside Loki, legs crossed.

”There is a lot to all this, isn't there?” Loki tilted his head to look up at him.

”Oh, you have no idea. We could be reading up and talking it over for the rest of our lives and still not know all of it.” Tony smiled, noticing the spark of interest at the mention of reading. ”But here's the tricky thing.”

Tony leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees, making sure to catch Loki's eyes.

”Have you ever sat down with some people to play a board game? A really complex one, you know, with cards, and pieces and colours all over, and you don't understand shit looking at it? And someone tries to read that little piece of paper with the rules, and it sort of fits but not really and no-one quite gets the big picture, and finally someone slaps a hand on the table and goes 'fuck it, let's just start playing and we'll figure it out as we go'. And then when you do, it all becomes clear, it all makes sense, but you had to start doing it, start moving the pieces, to know how it worked. To get the point. You know that feeling?”

Loki nodded. He did know. And Tony's guess was that he had mostly been the one trying to read the little piece of paper.

Tony had been the one slapping the table. No surprise there.

”Well, this is a lot like that. You can read all you want, but you'll never really know anything about what it's like, and what _you_ are like, doing it, until you try.”

It was clear that Loki was thinking this over. Then he nodded again.

”Learning by doing.”

”Yes. And sometimes by failing. Because that's how life goes.” Tony smiled, and reached out to put a hand over his marked wrist. ”But with you, I'll try to fail as little as I possibly can.”


	7. Challenge

Loki got to spend a week with Tony in the house where he had grown up, and it was nothing like what he had expected.

Partly, of course, because they spent their nights finding new ways for Loki to let Tony make him do things he had had no idea he wanted to do. Tony had brought more cuffs, and there seemed to be a lot of ways he could fasten Loki to the bars of his bed with them all. But even when he didn't use the restraints, the exchange of power between them was quickly becoming Loki's new drug of choice.

A drug that turned out to mix really well with another one – pain.

Loki had spent most of his life in fear of the pain he carried on the inside. It was something he had always wanted to avoid, run from, in the very darkest hours even ready to give up on his entire life to do so.

This pain was nothing like that. This one was glorious.

And Tony was careful not too move to fast, let him find out what worked and what didn't. Even though it turned out most things worked. The bites, the pinches, the slaps on his ass and thighs, and the _hair pulling_. 

It didn't sound hot when you counted the things up like that. More like what little kids might do to each other in the school yard when the teacher wasn't watching. But it was. Oh, it really was. The way Tony would hold his hair, all gathered up so no single strands would get pulled and cause the whole wrong kind of pain, the firm grip that made his scalp burn. The complete control over his head, his neck, his back, that it gave Tony on top of that delicious pain...

Loki fell asleep in the bed where he had cried away so many isolated nights, now in the arms of someone he loved, and who loved him, and dreamed of a hand holding on to his hair and never letting it go.

That was nothing like what he had expected. At all. But that wasn't the only unexpected thing.

He was also pleasantly surprised by Tony's willingness and joy in sharing in everything Loki remembered from his childhood. True, it was mostly books, but there had been other things as well.

So Loki took Tony out into the forest behind the house. To all the old secret paths and hiding places, the trees he'd climbed and the ones he had fallen down from. He showed him where there would be blueberries in the autumn, and wild mushrooms. The hidden away little lake full of red water lilies. Things Loki had never shown anyone, and never thought anyone would care about if he did.

Tony was completely fascinated.

They got into the car (Tony behind the wheel, obviously) and explored the landscape and the town for hours.

Sometimes Thor even came with them. His memories of a lot of places were so different from Loki's own that it was sometimes hard to believe they were talking about the same things. Once Loki might have resented that, the light Thor shone on everything that Loki had always seen as shadow, but he was starting to see more clearly on his own now. And realize that he might have been the one who had been wrong, all along.

It was a strange, cleansing experience, one that took it's toll on his body and mind alike. By afternoon, when they came back to the house, he would most often fall asleep on the couch.

That had been hard the first days. Thor often came to join them there as well, and Loki didn't feel comfortable being too close to Tony when his brother was in the room. But in the end, Tony seemed to have had enough of the arm's length thing, and just pulled Loki into his side, lying on the seats.

Loki's head and arm on his chest, his legs folded in under Tony's pulled up ones. They fitted like pieces of a puzzle. And then, Loki could sleep.

Even when Tony and his brother flipped between channels on the almost muted TV, and talked in hushed voices over his head.

Sometimes when they talked, he wasn't actually asleep, however. Just hiding behind closed eyes and slow breathing. Listening in.

* * *

Tony was watching the moving colours on the TV mostly out of instinct, too tired to care about what was going on. It was just some talk show anyway. Soon someone would start yelling and throwing chairs. Nothing important.

Another instinct made him look away from the screen; the instinct that told him someone was watching him. He shifted his head around, careful not to bang his chin on Loki's forehead, and met Thor's bright eyes. They were thoughtful and a bit curious and, well, confused.

Tony raised an eyebrow at his friend after a few moments of staring, and made Thor blink, and look away, but smiling as he did it.

”You know, I have never seen you like this before.” Thor's soft words were just as thoughtful, curious and confused as his eyes had been. ”With anyone.”

After glancing down at the still face on his chest, Tony looked back up. ”Well, I guess that makes sense.” It was a whisper, and he tried moving his chest as little as possible as he spoke. ”I've never felt like this with anyone else.”

”Have to admit it surprises me that it took, well, a guy, to get you there.”

Tony grinned. ”I don't believe in limiting options.”

”Oh, I know.” Thor returned the grin. ”Anthony 'I'll try anything once' Stark.”

”Me. For sure. Kind of an awkward middle name, but true.”

”But why him?”

”You wondering why it wasn't you?”

”I like you, Tony, but not that much.”

Another glance down at the sleeping Loki. ”I like challenges”, Tony mumbled.

”I know that, too. But then what?”

”No, that's the thing. Some challenges you accept and then you win, or lose, and it's done. Some keep challenging you forever.”

Thor's eyes moved down to his sleeping brother. He frowned, thinking it over, then nodded slowly, before returning his attention to the garish colours on the screen in front of them.

Tony took the chance, when Thor was looking away, to bury his nose in Loki's hair and get the scent of him. Even though he had broken the stalemate before, he did feel better about not getting too up close and personal in front of Thor. 

Just good manners, really.

But then he found that he couldn't take his nose away. The smell was just too much like coming home. And after a few minutes of muffled voices from the show, he fell asleep too, still smelling the black hair.

* * *

All three of them left together, so Thor and Tony could share the drive back to campus. Loki wasn't trusted to drive, and was just as happy for it.

Coming back home felt strange. The apartment felt even more tiny than it really was, after the large, airy rooms in his parents' house. So when Tony asked him if he wanted to come spend the night at his place, he said yes. He just left the suitcase, packed a smaller overnight bag, and walked out again.

Strange. 

Before he would have known no better feeling than to enjoy the solitude of his own four walls after being away for so long. Would have needed it, to rest up and get back into shape. But now he already was in shape. Better than the shape he had been in when he left, to be honest. And that was definitely a first.

His life was just full to bursting with firsts. And he knew who he had to thank for that.

Thor had taken Tony and his bags to his place already, so Loki walked over there. It wasn't far, and he liked being out in the cool air of the summer evening. It gave him some time to think.

_Some keep challenging you forever._

Yes, he had heard the whole thing, and he wasn't even ashamed that he had. It had warmed his heart too much.

Loki had never thought of himself as a challenging person. At least, not in a way that would be appealing. Sure, he could be difficult and stubborn and vicious when he felt like it, but who wanted things like that?

He hadn't even been a physical challenge, to begin with, had he? Just all too easy to win over. A smile, a kiss, and a touch, and just like that, Tony had been in his pants.

Tony saw challenge in him, though. And if he had said so, Loki believed it to be true.

When he reached Tony's place, he was hardly through the door before he had his back against the wall and a mouth on his. Loki threw the bag on the floor and got his hands into Tony's hair, getting him even closer, until he pulled back with a grin. One that Loki was beginning to know as Tony's ”oh boy do I have plans for you” grin.

”Finally all alone. No reason to keep quiet.” Tony looked like a kid on christmas at the mere thought. ”And there is something I have been dying to try, once we didn't have to worry about the noise.”

”And what would that be?”

More grinning.

Tony got him into the bedroom, kissed him out of his clothes, and got him face down on the bed. He kept his own clothes on, Loki noticed.

”You remember what I said about getting some more marks on you?”

Loki turned to glance over his shoulder at Tony, who was by him on the bed now. He could feel his hands grip the covers, already. ”Yes?”

”I haven't really been keeping that promise, have I?”

”I suppose not.”

”Thought it might be the right time to change that.”

That was when a movement of Tony's hands pulled Loki's eyes to them, and he relized they weren't empty. He was holding something that looked made of leather, but it wasn't the cuffs. It was something that looked like a thick, probably double, strip of leather, about three fingers wide, the approximate length of Tony's forearm, one end split down the middle, like the tongue of a snake.

Loki could guess pretty well what it was for, even though he had never seen the thing before.

He met Tony's eyes again, his mouth suddenly dry.

”If you'll let me.” Tony wasn't smiling, but his eyes were just as soft as usual.

”I'll let you.” Loki was wondering about the absence of the cuffs, however. ”If you won't make me?”

Tony shook his head. ”Not for this. At least, not now. One thing at a time, gorgeous.” The last part came with a smile, and one of his hands moved to stroke Loki's lower back, down to his ass. ”So I'll need you to let me, right now. And if you change your mind along the way, you just tell me. All right?”

Loki nodded, but he knew the silent answer was never enough for this, and added words. ”I will.”

”Well, then.” And with that, Tony's hand left his ass, only to come down on it again, hard. 

Tony had slapped his thighs and behind before, but this was _nothing_ like that. The sharp sound of it echoed in the room, immediately setting a mood that made Loki's hands tremble. With a gasp for air, Loki got his face down on the pillow. He didn't bury it in it, he still wanted to see Tony move, but he had to relax, he knew that instinctively.

At first, Tony just used his hand, giving a stinging burn that was perfectly manageable, but Loki knew the leather strap would come in to play sooner or later. He didn't know if he longed for it or feared it. At least, he didn't know yet.

* * *

Tony had thought long and hard on the trip back home about what he would try using on Loki first, and he had settled on the tawse. It was a personal favourite, and he preferred it as a first tool, over a crop that would bruise deeper. This would burn, badly if he chose it, but not go as deep.

And it had a more impressive sound, too.

A lot of people underestimated the importance of the sound. Tony found it to be an interesting way of messing with people. Using a quirt that made a lot of noise but mostly stung you when it hit. A silent crop that would leave you aching for days. Or why not the best of both worlds – a bull whip, that sounded like it would kill you, and hurt so bad you couldn't even scream.

But if things like that were even on the map with Loki remained to be seen. And if they were, it was on the whole other side of it. Tony sure intended to enjoy the journey there, though, if Loki would be along for the ride.

Loki's smooth, pale skin turned out to be the most perfect canvas Tony had ever had to work with. Sensitive and easy to mark. Going a deeper pink than his palm had left it, with just the first lighter strikes of the whip.

He went slow at first, letting Loki rest between each hit, switching sides and spots to hit, until the pink hue was everywhere. Tony let Loki calm down a bit then, gently stroking his lower back, feeling slight vibrations in the muscles, and then the warmth coming off his skin as he moved the hand over Loki's ass. That touch provoked a soft moan, and Tony moved to lean over by Loki, to get a look at his face. His cheeks were almost as pink as his ass, lips parted, and there was something breathless in his expression. Nothing about it looked off, so Tony just moved back, ready to continue.

Tony bore down just a little bit harder now. It was still enough to make Loki tense up with each strike, but he also still relaxed every time Tony paused, apparently ready for more. His skin was now starting to show the outlines of the tawse in a deeper pink still, almost red. Those would stay a while, after the softer pink colouration dissappeared. He hoped Loki would like that.

Every other time he paused, Tony glanced over at Loki's face, watching carefully for signs of unwanted discomfort. There was always the risk of Loki not keeping his promise to tell Tony if he did something Loki wouldn't let him. He wanted to be prepared to stop anyway, if it seemed needed.

After a while, he looked over to find that Loki had moved his head. His face was now mostly covered in black hair, but Tony could still see his hands, which were gripping the covers, hard. Tony didn't like it. He wanted to see Loki. Both because he deeply enjoyed it, and because it was the best way to judge the effect of what he was doing. So once more, he moved closer, reached out a hand to swipe the hair away.

Even before the hair was all the way off Loki's face, Tony noticed the way strands of it stuck to the skin. The _wet_ skin. Too wet to be sweat. Tears. And as he watched, another one rolled down Loki's cheek.

Loki was crying.

The horror was immediate. The self loathing.

 _Oh, fuck!_ Well done, Tony! Really! You must be so proud. Here, have a fucking medal! You promise him you'll do your best not to fail, and then you turn around and do just that. Miserably. Pretty much the first thing you do. 

Nice!

You know he'll never "let you" again, right? Ever. And that's if you're really lucky. If not, you'll never even see him again. And he'll be right to ask you to fuck off, too.

Tony dropped the tawse like it was burning his fingers, swept away more hair, and then put both his hands around Loki's face, turning it gently from the pillow. Maybe Loki wouldn't even want Tony to touch him anymore, but he had to at least try to evaluate the damage he had done, and see if he could salvage something, no matter how small.

Loki didn't resist the movement, blinked his eyes open, huge and bright with still unshed tears, and looked straight at him.

"Tony?" He looked confused, like he had just woken up from a distant dream. Or nightmare, more likely. "Please, no..."

That helpless little whimper almost broke Tony's heart.

"You don't have to worry, Loki. It's over. I promise."

Loki blinked again, and all new tears, fat and sparkling, came rolling down his face. Then he weakly shook his head between Tony's hands.

" _No!_ Tony! Don't stop. I don't want it to be over! Not yet."

The dark misery inside Tony shattered almost immediately at those words. Almost, but not entirely. He had to be sure. Completely sure.

"You're crying, Loki. Do you really want me to go on?"

"Yes!" His tongue darted out to lick a salty tear from his lip. "I want to cry, Tony. I needed to. Please, don't make me beg, not now. Just... keep going."

”I won't make you beg, I promise. Not today.” Tony ran his fingers through the tangled, wet hair and saw Loki relax back into the pillow, eyes closed again and a little smile pulling at the corners of his just slightly shaking lips.

Tony went easy and softly again at first, but soon got his courage back and worked his way back to where he had left off. 

Loki moved more now, twitching, grabbing at the covers, shifting his long legs, as if his body wanted to crawl away from the abuse, but he wasn't letting it.

Soon, Tony decided enough was enough. He raised his arm, and landed one last hard but measured hit across both cheeks, that painted the outline of the tawse in dark blue on the soft skin, almost immediately. It made Loki buck on the bed, shouting out for the first time, and turned his by now panting breaths into real, full bodied sobs.

Once more Tony dropped the whip, but not in a panic this time. He slowly and gently moved to lie down beside Loki, stroking his heaving, sweaty back, his hair, getting it out of his tear streaked face. The green eyes were still bright when they opened again, and now Tony didn't think it was just the tears doing it.

”Come here”, he mumbled, getting his arms under and around Loki, pulling him close, feeling the long hands cling on to his shirt, the hot, wet face pressing against his throat. Then he didn't talk anymore, just ran his hands slowly over Loki's back and head, while the sobbing stopped, and his breathing and pulse slowed. And then for some time more after that. 

He was in no hurry what so ever.

* * *

Reality felt very far away, and when Loki thought he was back in it, it still felt very much like a dream, soft and warm and hazy. He moved in Tony's arms, pulling back on the covers so he could angle his head up and meet the brown eyes waiting for his. And he knew Tony was waiting for a sign that he was all right.

”That was...” Loki fumbled for words, and only found the ones he had heard Tony use a few times by now. ”Goddamn amazing.”

That brought a wide smile to Tony's face. ”I'm really fucking happy to hear you say that. You had me pretty worried there for a while, to be honest.”

”I'm sorry.”

”No, don't be. You haven't done one single thing wrong, and you have nothing at all to feel sorry about.” Tony put a hand on his jaw, brushing the thumb over his cheek. ”I was just a bit taken by surprise, and I shouldn't have let that happen. So that's all on me.”

Loki didn't really understand all that, even though he felt like he should. The world was still sort of slipping through his fingers. And he didn't mind in the least. He let his head roll back on the covers, enjoying the feeling of Tony's fingers caressing his cheek. Blinking up at the ceiling, everything was so bright. Sparkling.

”I think I'm... high?” Loki frowned slightly at the play of light and shadow in a corner. ”Could this be what that feels like?”

”Pretty much.” Tony sounded amused. ”Adrenaline and endorphins. Your body has got you stuffed full of your own uppers. Just enjoy the trip.”

And he did, for a while, curled up against Tony, holding on to what felt like the most solid thing in his world. When he started to come back down, he was shivering, and Tony pulled the covers over them. To most of him, that felt nice. But the heat radiating off his sore ass quickly became really uncomfortable and made him itch, so he pulled the covers back off that part, at least.

”Some people get a bit low, coming down”, Tony mumbled into his hair. ”So if you feel off, it's nothing to worry about. Just let me know. I'm right here, and I've got you.”

”I know you do.” Loki held him even closer. ”I trust you.”

The words were out of his mouth before he reflected on them, but when he thought of what they meant, he almost started crying again. He held it back, though, didn't want Tony more upset than he already had been. Even though he had said that wasn't Loki's fault.

”Tony?”

”Yeah?”

”I have never, ever told anyone that before. That I trust them.”

Tony was silent, for once.

”A few times I've said 'I love you', but not that many. But I have never said that I trust someone. Because I don't think I ever truly have.”

Then Tony's hands were in his hair, tilting his head back, so his mouth could come down to meet Loki's in a kiss.

”Then I'll make sure you never have to regret saying it to me.”

And Loki believed that, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (And because my dear xjapanda is apparently able to read my dirty little mind, [here is some amazing art](http://usedupshiver.tumblr.com/post/97842709857/xjapanda-so-here-are-some-sketches-that-could) that go perfectly with this story. <3 )


	8. Talk

Loki woke up the next morning feeling well used, and deeply satisified. Which in a way was a bit surprising, considering the fact he hadn't cum the night before. Neither had Tony. Nothing actually sexual at all had happened between them, but the feeling in Loki's relaxed, divinely heavy body was the same as if he had been spent and undone at least a couple of times.

He was sore, though. Very. But that was something he enjoyed. It was a sweet reminder of the events of the previous night, and went well with the warm sense of wellbeing that surrounded him, strangely enough. A reminder that just felt even sweeter when Tony, half awake, rolled over to slide a hand down to his ass, gently sqeezing it, making him moan and mutter.

"Good morning to you, too."

"You're welcome." Tony let go and stretched lazily.

Loki slowly sat up, noticing the added pain, and got up to walk to the bathroom. But a soft laugh stopped him halfway. He turned around to see brown eyes, sparkling with joyous satisfaction.

"What?"

"Oh, I'll show you what."

Tony threw the covers back, got up and grabbed his hand, pulling Loki over to the wardrobe. There he opened the door that had a full length mirror on the inside, before placing Loki between himself and the reflection, and then turning him around. Loki turned his head, frowning, to see what Tony was talking about.

The frown dissappeared instantly.

Even in the still dim morning light in the room, the marks on his skin were clearly visible. Most of him had the usual, pale colour, but that only made the red lines stand out more sharply. Especially the lines painted straight across his ass, deeper blue, that he knew had to be from that last, hard strike that had made him slip out of reality completely.

In the reflection he saw Tony's hands come around his waist, to hug him closer, as the brown eyes watched over his other shoulder.

"Promised I'd mark you, didn't I?"

"True to your word, as always." Loki sounded a bit breathless even in his own ears. He could hardly tear his eyes from the red lines.

"You like it?"

"Yes." Loki raised his hands to hold on to Tony's shoulders, suddenly dizzy from staring so intently over his own shoulder. "Yes, I really do."

He felt Tony kiss his neck, but was still unable to look away. If Narcissus had had anything like this done to him, Loki could begin to understand how he had perished in front of his own reflection.

* * *

Tony noticed that Loki seemed to be far away in thoughts during the day, but after seeing that his fears from the night before had been unfounded, and the fascinated reaction Loki had to the marks that morning, he wasn't too worried about it.

When they sat on the couch, watching some movie, Tony noticed how Loki sometimes shifted in his seat, wincing a bit to himself. But he stayed sitting, even though no-one was making him. He could have moved to lie down on his side or stomach, but he didn't, and Tony smiled to himself ever time he saw it.

He left Loki to his thoughts. Trusting that he would come talk to Tony when he was good and ready. So for now, he just stayed close by, his feet right now lighty resting over Loki's as they were leaning on opposite armrests. A physical connection that didn't demand or distract, just held them together.

At last, Loki turned from the movie Tony was sure he had seen none of, and was ready to talk.

”I was thinking...”

”Really? That's new.”

Loki actually stuck his tongue out at him for that. It was so childishly adorable it made Tony laugh.

”Sorry. You were saying?”

”I was thinking about you, to be honest.”

”I like it already.”

”You don't know what I was thinking, though. Might want to hear me out first.”

”Good point.” But Tony didn't stop smiling. And neither did Loki.

Then the pale face got more serious, but still not in a way that made Tony worried. 

”How is it that you can be so completely different, and still the same?”

”Different?” He thought he knew were Loki was going, but wanted it made clearer anyway.

”You were this guy who did everything humanly possible not to hurt me, before. And now, you are the guy who likes me to fight back, and who I know enjoyed whipping me to tears. But somehow, you are still the one who would never, ever hurt me. How?”

”The way you ask the question tells me you already know the answer, really.”

Loki tilted his head, waiting for more.

”You fighting me, letting me make you. Or you letting me whip those gorgeous stripes onto you.” Loki grinned at the mere mention. ”Those things didn't hurt you. Because you wanted that, just as much as I did. I'm still the guy who doesn't want to hurt you, because I would never do anything just for me. Because I wanted it.”

Thoughtful silence.

”The moment you don't let me anymore, I'll stop. You know that, right?”

Loki nodded. ”I told you; I trust you.” He hesitated. ”But still, you're not the same... person. Really. Are you? This Tony.” He indicated Tony with a movement of his chin. ”And the Tony who _makes me_ , those aren't really the same. Not entirely.”

”No, not entirely. It's just a matter of shifting focus, though, not about a change in personality.” He nodded at Loki. ”And that's not just me, you know? You're not the same Loki sitting here, and when letting me make you. Right?”

A frown pulled at Loki's brows, as his gaze drifted away, lost in thought. ”You're right. I'm not. That Loki is all about the moment. I... I think that's why I like being him.” His eyes shifted back to Tony. ”I just hadn't thought about it that way.”

”Just so you know, I like both versions of you just fine.”

”I like both versions of you, too.”

They smiled at each other a moment, then Loki shifted and moved, wincing again, coming to place himself astride Tony's legs, hands leaning on the armrest behing him, placing a soft kiss on his lips.

”And I'm glad you introduced me to the other version of me, as well”, he continued against Tony's mouth when he pulled back.

”You're welcome.” Tony reached up to kiss him right back. At the same time he slid his hands up Loki's thighs, rounded his hips, cupped his ass, and then slowly dug his fingers into the sore flesh.

Loki groaned into him.

”But if you feel like thanking me, I know a way.”

”Tell me.”

”You could let me fuck you bent over the back of this couch, so I can get a good look at those stripes of yours while I do it.”

”I do feel like thanking you, actually. Sincerely.”

Tony had to agree that Loki seemed sincerely grateful. And in the end, so was he.

* * *

Loki started spending a lot more time at Tony's place. Sometimes not even willing to leave long enough to get clean clothes from his own apartment, which meant it was a good thing Tony had his own washing machine in the bathroom, letting him stay as long as he wanted to.

Arms full of his own dirty clothes, Loki walked into the living room. "Is there anything you need washed?"

Tony looked up from his laptop, eyes going unfocused as he thought about it. "The gray jeans I wore on friday. Those probably need the smoke washed out. Other than that I'm good. Thanks."

"No problem."

Loki found the jeans in a heap on the bedroom floor, and they really did smell of smoke. They also made him wish he'd been there friday night, because he knew they made Tony's ass look pretty damn amazing. More than usual, even.

On his knees in front of the washer, getting the garments inside, he felt the pockets of the jeans, making sure nothing followed them into the machine. Something was in a front pocket, and Loki stuck his hand in to pull it out, to find no less than three condom packets. With the pants smelling of ashtray still hanging by his left hand, he froze, staring at the colourful plastic things resting on the palm of his right.

He probably sat like that for a long time.

Loki hadn't been there friday night. He didn't know where "there" had been, at that. He didn't know exactly who Tony had spent the night with, what he had done, and who might possibly have followed him home from wherever he had been.

It made his heart hurt a bit. Not because he really had any right to be upset if Tony had brought someone home with him. But because _he knew he had no right to be upset if Tony had._

Until now, he had never reflected on the fact that they hadn't had **The Talk**.

They had had a lot of deep, strange, intimate and emotional conversations he had never thought he would have, with anyone, but they had never actually sat down and said that this was it. That it was them against the world. Locked it down. Made it exclusive and official.

_"I'm not the guy known for my long and committed relationships. Even you have to know that, right?"_

Loki couldn't say he hadn't been warned. So how had he let himself get into this situation? He was the one who thought things through, made sure, made plans. And yet here he was, his heart more wide open then ever, and no defenses in place what so ever.

What had he been thinking?

The answer was, of course, that he hadn't. At all. He had just been feeling, for once.

Now, it made him feel stupid. Stupid, and gullible. The feelings he hated most in the world.

That's when the door opened behind him and Tony stepped in, finding him still on the floor.

"Hey? Are you going to do the laundry, or just sit there worshipping the thing? I need to use the bathroom, so if -"

When he cut himself off, Loki looked up to see Tony's eyes fix on the condoms in Loki's open hand. Then they came up to rest on Loki's face instead. For a moment, they just stared at each other, silently.

"Loki -"

"No." Loki shook his head, and turned away. He put the condoms on the floor and stuffed the jeans into the machine, at last. "You don't have to explain. It's nothing I have anything to do with, anyway. As long as you use those, I don't need to know."

He closed the washer, got up on his feet and turned it on, before facing Tony again. "I really don't _want_ to know about anyone else."

There came a smile on Tony's face then, confusing Loki to no end.

”That's what I was trying to tell you when you interrupted me.” No annoyance in the voice, though. "There _is_ no-one else, Loki. Hasn't been for a long time."

Loki opened his mouth. Closed it again. Tried to think it over, and failed. Opened his mouth again. "Just... out of curiosity. Which I might regret later. But, how long is a long time?"

"Since that one night I made a fool of myself climbing through the wrong window."

"You... Since...? Really?" Loki felt even more confused. "How's that?"

Tony was still smiling. "Well, I wasn't seeing anyone at the time. And since? Yeah, I really haven't had the urge to go looking for anyone else."

"Why?"

"I don't need to." The smile faded into seriousness now. "You're enough."

Loki felt his lips part to let words out, but they dissappeared, left him, and it took him a moment to get them back.

"I'm... enough?"

Tony seemed to misunderstand his reaction, however, and his face shifted into a concerned frown. "Loki, I didn't mean that in a bad way."

"No! I know. It's just that... No-one has ever told me that before." He managed to form a smile that felt weak. ”I had no idea I could be.”

”Well, you can, and you are, and actually then some on top of that.”

Loki heard it, but he was still caught up in previous thoughts, and looked down at the condoms now spread on the floor by his feet. ”Then why those?”

Tony laughed then, and Loki turned back.

”You'll probably find at least one in pretty much everything I own that has a pocket. Some of them from before your time. And some put there with you in mind. The ones falling into the second category are slowly outnumbering the first, actually.” Tony made a little gesture to the floor. ”These I think are older, though. Those used to be my lucky jeans.”

”They still can be.” Loki raised an eyebrow. ”The way they make your ass look, you'll always be lucky wearing them.”

”That's just really useful to know.” Tony grinned. 

Then he reached out, took Loki's hand and led him out of the bathroom, to sit them both down on the couch. He didn't let go of the hand when he had.

”I'm really no good at the, well, _formal_ part of all this. Because I have hardly ever done this bit.” Tony ran his thumb in circles over the back of Loki's hand as he spoke. ”So I guess it's pretty overdue, in a way.”

He hesitated, but Loki held back, waiting. His heart was doing som strange things in his chest, however. Trying to turn itself inside out, judging by the feel of it.

”Honestly, I think part of me was just hoping I wouldn't have to, because it felt like we were there anyway so I thought it might work itself out in some way, and because I knew it would be just horribly awkward and I would just start to babble and I already am so I guess I was right, I just...” He sighed and closed his eyes. ”Why is this so hard?”

Then Tony opened his eyes and looked straight at Loki. ”I guess what I'm trying to ask is if you would let me be the only one for you too, like you already are for me?”

Loki smiled, and put his other hand on top of the one holding his. ”You already are the only one for me, too. So yes. I really would let you.”

Tony smiled back, and all tension dissappeared out of his shoulders. ”Thank you.”

”If you really want to thank me, I know a way.”

”Tell me.”

”Take me out to get dinner. I'm starving.”

Laughing, Tony leaned in and kissed his cheek. ”Deal!” Then he turned very serious. ”There's just one more thing, before we go. Something really, really important.”

”What?” Loki felt a nervous pinch in the pit of his stomach.

”I still need to use the bathroom.”

Loki's turn to laugh. ”Sure.”


	9. Rain

The woman was hitting on Tony so hard Loki was actually starting to worry she might hurt herself in the process.

Not that he could fault it. Tony looked amazing. He almost always did, at least to Loki, but sometimes he wasn't sure if that was just him. If he saw Tony as this completely perfect, glorious thing just because he was that to Loki. Or if others saw him the same way.

The way the woman next to Tony at the bar kept smiling and playing with her brown curls told Loki everything he needed to know, and he didn't have to wonder about that anymore.

Watching Tony at a distance in this kind of environment, what might almost be considered Tony's natural habitat, was fascinating to Loki. He himself was not so well versed in interacting with others, he had a hard time doing it, and mostly felt off and awkward. But to Tony, this was what made him happy, and he was good at it. Really good. He could strike up a conversation with anyone, he could talk people out of fights, he could charm the staff into giving them a better table, he could navigate the room so smoothly it seemed the crowd just parted to let him through, and he could make women go weak in the knees with just one sparkly glance of those large, brown eyes.

Not because Tony was trying to make the women go weak in the knees. Loki knew that, actually. But he saw it happen anyway.

Natural charisma doing it's thing.

And now it had gotten to this curly haired, tiny thing trying to catch Tony's eye, as she fought for a spot at the bar.

He was, as always, the gentleman. With a deliberate move to the right he cleared a spot on his left to let her move up to the bar, and when he managed to wave down the bartender, he even let her place her order first. The woman was blushing at his smile and something he said, clearly thinking she was going to take this one home.

She didn't see what Loki saw in Tony's face. Didn't know that pleasant smile was the one that said ”thanks, but no thanks”. She would find out, though.

Loki heard a sigh next to him, loud enough to carry over the noises of the bar. No-one but Thor could manage a sigh like that.

”You know? If he was a real friend, he would just point her my way instead.”

With a small smile, Loki turned to look at Thor's wistful face. ”This is the way it always is, isn't it?”

”Pretty much.” Then Thor seemed to catch himself and met Loki's eyes. ”I'm sorry, I shouldn't have -”

”No, it's all right. I don't really... mind. And I already knew.”

”You're not worried anymore?”

Just a second of hesitation. ”No.”

”Liar.” Thor smiled when he said it, however. 

Loki turned his head back to the bar, watching Tony place his own order. He couldn't take it when Thor had those moments of seeing straight into him. Even though his brother wasn't the most intelligent person there was, or the most insightful, he could be really observant when he wanted to. And he knew Loki. Knew him very, very well.

”Funny thing, though?” When Loki looked back Thor was wiping beer foam from his upper lip. ”I'm not.”

”What?”

”I'm not worried anymore.” Thor was serious now. ”I used to think he'd fuck up. I mean, I love Tony, but he always has, before. Mostly because he wanted to. So I didn't dare hope he would do any better now. But this is all different. He's all different.”

”How so?” Loki raised an eyebrow.

”He doesn't want to fuck up this time.” Thor smiled again. ”And I'm guessing that's all your doing.”

”I don't think I've -”

A heavy arm came up to hook around his neck, so Thor could pull him in to briefly press his forehead against Loki's temple.

”You never give yourself enough credit, Loki”, he said as he let go, his hand staying on Loki's back, large and warm. ”Just, trust me on this one, okay? You've been good for him. Really damn good.”

”I have?” He had mostly thought that it was all the other way around.

Thor laughed, moved his hand in a final rub over Loki's ribs and spine, before pulling it back. ”I told you, trust me on this. I know him. I see the difference.”

Loki was at a loss for words for a moment, and just when he was about to find some that felt useful, a voice interrupted him.

”What's up with tonight? Everyone, their aunts and their fucking dogs are here, I swear!” Tony leaned in to place two glasses of beer on the table before moving into the booth, to sit by Loki's side. ”Took me forever to get this.”

Taking the chance to busy himself, Loki took the glass that was for him, and buried his face in the foam, while the others started complaining about how every bar sooner or later became too popular to be useful. He leaned back in the seat, out of the conversation, and let his mind wander.

Loki knew that in some ways, his brother knew Tony better than he did. He had known him for longer, and he had seen him act in ways Loki never had. ”Tony being Tony”, as Thor had once put it. So if there was a difference to be seen, Thor would be the one to see it.

Maybe it was even true? Loki sipped his beer, thinking about why Thor would lie, and finding no reason that made sense.

After a while, he had no idea how long, another hand, smaller but just as warm, came to rest on his thigh. Pretty damn high on it, too. When he looked up from his suddenly half empty glass, they were alone in the booth. Thor har left half of his beer on the table, however, so he couldn't be far. Probably the restroom.

”Well, you were off somehere.” Tony smiled, but his eyes were searching Loki's. ”All right there, gorgeous?”

”I'm fine.” Loki gave him a reassuring smile. For once, it wasn't the crowd or the noise or feeling out of place that had chased him out of reality, after all. ”I just didn't have a lot to add to the conversation.”

The hand moved even higher, hidden from public view by the table and Tony's body, left his thigh and came to rest over his crotch. Then it didn't just rest there, and Loki had to close his eyes, pulling in a breath. While his eyes were still closed, he felt a brush of lips and beard on the corner of his mouth.

”If you want to leave, just let me know.”

Loki opened his eyes and found himself looking straight into the large, brown ones. If he handn't been sitting, he would have gone weak in the knees, too.

”Not that it doesn't feel like a good idea, when you put it like that”, he said, slowly, smiling. ”But I'm really okay with staying a while.”

”Then we stay a while.” Tony grinned, leaning in closer. ”It'll still be a good idea to leave, later.”

* * *

As it turned out, it was a really bad idea to leave later.

When they had finished another round, Tony decided it was about time to start getting back home, and Loki agreed. Tony hadn't really expected him not to, but it actually seemed like Loki had been more comfortable joining them at the bar than he had been before. He didn't want to push it, though, so it was still just around midnight when they left, waving goodbye to Thor, who left in the opposite direction.

They decided to walk home, to sober up a bit. Or, to be honest, to sober Loki up a bit. He had no real experience with alcohol, he had no tolerance for the stuff what so ever, and four beers had been enough to make him wobbly and a bit slurred. Tony just got a hand around his waist and led him along.

About half way back to Tony's place, it started raining. And not just a drizzle, either. Nope. The sky just opened up and let down a torrent of large, heavy drops that soaked them both in a matter of seconds. In the distance, there was a rumble of thunder.

”Crap!” Tony squinted up at the black downpour, drops splashing off his forehead, hair slicking down over it.

Loki just laughed, delighted like a kid, and stuck his tongue out to catch the drops on it. Almost falling over when Tony pulled at him to move faster.

His amusement didn't last, though. Thoroughly wet, tired, drunk, he soon got cold. Really cold. His teeth chattered, and behind the wet waves of black hair, he was even more pale than usual. By the time they reached the apartment, he looked about ready to break down and cry, completely miserable.

Tony got them both out of their dirty shoes, and then led Loki into the bathroom. There he was mostly the one who got them out of their clothes as well, leaving it all in a dripping pile in a corner before turning on the shower. He placed gentle hands on the naked, shivering and shining wet Loki, leading him in under the warm, but not hot, spray.

After a while, the miserable shivering subsided, and Loki relaxed, leaning on Tony. Who still managed to reach out and pick up a bottle of shower gel, and lather it over all the parts of both himself and Loki that he could reach in this kind of awkward position. That earned him a pleased little sigh and a purring noise. Tony just smiled into Loki's neck before washing him off, and he kept getting the same sounds and sighs while rubbing Loki dry, even placing him on the toilet seat to dry his feet. He then had to pull Loki up, and lead him to the bed.

It seemed like Loki had sobered up now, mostly, but he was tired. The warm water had driven the cold from him and made him rosy instead, looking almost feverish, and when Tony went to pull the covers over him, he waved it off.

”I'm good”, he mumbled, the hand falling down limply beside him. ”Thank you.”

”You're welcome.” Tony wasn't really tired, so he just sat down next to the sprawled out Loki and ran light fingertips over his back. That got out the purrs again.

The green eyes opened, surprisingly bright under heavy lids. ”I haven't forgotten. Your hand. At the bar.” He sighed. ”Still good idea. Just... too tired.”

Tony smiled, moving his fingertips further down to the small of his back. ”That's not a problem. I'm kind of getting into the taking care of you thing over here anyway.”

”I won't say no to that.” A lazy smile as the heavy lids fell down again. ”You're really good at it, after all.”

And Tony knew what Loki thought he meant by ”taking care of”, but that wasn't actually what Tony had in mind tonight. At all.

Tony let his hand caress the soft, smooth, white skin that by now was just faintly marked by the whipping he had given it. 

He shifted down over Loki's still, pliant body, smiling to himself, and got his hands on those long, sleek thighs. Already, he was sure this would be a first for Loki, and he knew he wanted to be the one to give it to him.

If Loki would let him.

* * *

Loki was so warm and comfortable and deliciously tired that he didn't notice Tony moving down between his legs at first. Then he became aware of warm breath on his ass, lips and the light tickle of beard on the left cheek. A tongue, the tip of it, trailing the skin. And then hands getting a soft grip on him, gently spreading the cheeks, and then that tongue -

Loki felt his eyes go wide.

”Tony?!” It was a whimper.

”Yeah?” Voice completely relaxed and neutral, like _nothing_ was out of the ordninary.

”What...?” He couldn't even get the question out.

”Another first?” This time Loki could have _sworn_ he was amused.

”Yes!” Still a whimper, almost a whine. Very dignified...

”I guessed. Just relax, and let me. Won't you?”

The magic words. But at first he wanted to refuse. It just felt so utterly wrong. Dirty. _Disgusting._ He just couldn't let Tony do that to himself. Could he? It wasn't right! 

Still, another part of him spoke up, and told him this was ridiculous. Because how could it be possible to let a man whip him, and not think twice about the wrong of that, but think it wrong that the same man could put his tongue anywhere on Loki that he, himself, wanted to?

It wasn't possible. It made no sort of sense at all.

”Yes...” Barely breath. But Tony must have heard him, becasue the lips were on his skin again then.

And then the tongue was back. It slid down into the crevasse and lapped at him, broad and gentle and _loving_ and it was, in it's own strange way, the most intimate thing anyone had ever done to him.

Loki closed his eyes, tried to silence his muttering mind, and be the other Loki, the one who was in the moment. The one who let things happen and just felt it. To his surprise, it wasn't that hard to do so. To let go of all the questions of right and wrong, clean or dirty, and just focus on the sensation.

And when he got past all that, it felt... good. No, actually, that was most likely the biggest understatement in the history of all time and all things.

The purely physical sensation was pleasant. Less intense and direct than a mouth on his cock. It was warm and wet and gentle, and touched on so many sensitive nerves that his whole body seemed to feel it. But beyond that, it went deeper. It touched on something primitive and animal that didn't care about dirty at all, and just stirred, unfolded and craved _more_!

And he got more.

Because that was when the tongue no longer just lapped at him, soft and stroking. Now it went more rigid, pushing against him. And, against anything that felt possible, into him.

The growling noise Loki heard himself make then came from that deep, animal part of him.

At the same time his body seemed to come undone. His hands were gripping the covers, but the rest of him was limply relaxed, boneless, melting into the bed. Shivering, shuddering, falling to pieces. He had never felt anything like it.

It was a merging of his mind and body that he had never known was possible.

Loki thought he had surrendered power over himself to Tony before, letting him force him, restrain him, whip him to tears and bruises. But that had been nothing compared to the power this gave Tony over him. It was complete and total.

In this moment, Tony owned him.

In this moment, there was nothing Tony could have asked of Loki that he would have had the will to refuse.

Helpless and lost and not minding it, even a little, as that warm mouth continued to explore him.

It seemed to go on forever, and at the same time, he knew that no matter how long it lasted, it would never be enough. He would always crave more. But Loki knew he could also never demand it. So when that lovely, loving mouth left him to move up the small of his back, he just sighed. A mix of satisfaction and frustration that he couldn't really grasp, himself.

Soon, Tony was on top of him, a hand in his hair, gripping it in that way he could never resist. It turned his head into a kiss. One which his mind might have thought to refuse, but he couldn't. If Tony hadn't hesitated to put his mouth where he had, then Loki wouldn't hesitate to honour that.

And anyway, he couldn't taste anything but love.

* * *

Slowly pulling back, Tony moved to roll Loki over on his back, reaching his hand down to find Loki hard. No surprise there. He was surprised when the weak hands came up to stop him, though. Tony glanced down to see Loki's worn face, and just let his palm rest against his hip.

”Please, don't.” Loki turned his head, touching his forehead to the hand Tony had resting on the pillow next to him.

”You don't want it? Feels like you do.”

”I can't take it.” Loki turned on his side, reaching for Tony to come closer, and he didn't resist. ”I'd rather stay hard than go crazy. And I think I would, if you touched me now. It's just... Too much. I'm sorry.”

”Never say sorry for what you want, gorgeous.” Tony eased himself down on the bed and pulled Loki flush against him in a tangled embrace, full of still wet hair. ”Or need.”

They just stayed that way a while, until Loki started shivering again. Silently and softly, but noticeable. Tony reached behind him and pulled the covers over Loki, and half over himself. He then let his fingers comb through the damp tresses of hair, holding him close, warm.

Loki's lips moved against his chest a few moments later, warm words slipping out, sounding half like something dreamed.

”I love you. For taking care of me.”

Tony bent his head down and kissed the tousled crown of Loki's head. ”Well, you take care of me too, so that's only fair.”

”I do?” Loki tilted his head back, even though they could hardly see each other in the dim lights. ”Sometimes it feels like all I do is let you. Do I really give anything back?”

Tony couldn't help but chuckle at that. ”You still don't really get it, do you?”

”What?” A frown Tony could make out even in the dark.

”You letting me? That _is_ giving me. That's you trusting me. You don't think I appreciate that? That that's, well, basically, what this is all about?”

Loki's eyes blinked, slowly. ”It doesn't feel enough.”

”Well, it is.” Tony touched the back of his fingers to Loki's cheekbone. ”But somehow, it feels like you still don't trust me on that?”

”I guess I... don't.” Loki leaned his face against his hand. ”I want to, though.”

”No rush, gorgeous. I know you do.” Tony smiled and repeated an older reassurance. ”It's right here, for the taking, when you're ready.”

He could see Loki recognize the words as he returned the smile. ”I'm sure I will be. Soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (With [inspiration like this](http://usedupshiver.tumblr.com/post/97917244187/xjapanda-cough-oh-no-you-did-not-i-thought), it's hard to not do the thing.)


	10. No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A gentle heads up - this chapter includes a near panic/anxiety attack, and more detailed talk of previous suicidal thoughts. Just in case anyone has a problem with such...)

For the first time in what felt like a long time, they were in Loki's apartment. In his rumpled bed. Both of them on their knees, Loki pushed face first into the wall, hands caught in leather cuffs and resting on the small of his arched back. Tony behind him, fucking him into the painted surface, keeping him in place with a hand in his hair, just the steady way Loki loved it.

Loki moved back on spread, strained legs, meeting every thrust he was given, lost in the moment. When the hand in his hair let go and moved, he didn't reflect on it at first. Not until that hand came sliding down to his neck, around it, to place itself firmly around his throat. Applying a gentle but noticeable preassure.

It was like flipping a switch in Loki's mind. 

Black moved in at the corners of his peripheral vision. Not because Tony was cutting off his air, no, the grip wasn't that hard. This was all blinding fear. Shot through with the red lightning of panic.

Loki sucked in a hissing breath and choked out words he had never thought he would utter. ”No! I won't... Let you!”

Tony's hand held on to his throat. For what felt like an endless eternity.

In the rational reality Loki was no longer a part of, it was a matter of seconds. The perfectly normal, human reaction time. The seconds it took Tony to hear him, process the words, and make his body move in a physical reaction to what he had actually heard.

In Loki's dark pit of terror, it was far too long. He shook his head, twisting under the fingers, not even registering it when they were actually removed. He hardly noticed when they moved to his hands, where they didn't bother to unbuckle the cuffs, just opened one of the clasps, letting him move his arms freely. He barely even knew it when Tony pulled out of him and moved back. Loki just knew that he had to move when he could.

Flipping himself around he curled up in the corner, arms coming up over his head and face, but he didn't know if he was searching for protection, or just trying to hide.

Tony held his distance. Loki could feel it.

”It's over, Loki. Try to relax. And breathe, slowly.”

The soothing words made him realize he was nearly hyperventilating, and he made himself pull in a deeper breath, slow himself down a bit. He knew it would help calm him down, but it was so hard... Red and black was still flashing in his field of vision, but slowly, so slowly, he started to get a grip on his breathing, and felt his heart slow down just a bit, as a response.

Now and then Tony mumbled something reassuring from the other end of the bed, reminding him to just breathe, and Loki felt the worst of it leave. He didn't move from the corner, however.

”Loki? Is it all right if I touch you?”

He thought it over. Felt the anxiety crawl like something alive and slimy under his skin, and shook his head in a quick no that pained him, made his eyes sting with tears. Rejecting Tony in that moment was one of the hardest things he had ever done, but he knew he had to. If someone, anyone, came into his personal space when he was like this, the panic would win. Then he could be lost for hours.

And he had ruined enough already.

Inside, he feared the reaction this rejection would lead to. Would it be hurt? Anger? Irritation? He had never said no to Tony before, never refused him anything, and now he had done it twice. There had to be some kind of fallout from something like that. Loki was sure of it.

But for now, there was just silence and stillness. No arguments. No movement towards him.

”Do you want me to leave?”

Loki didn't need to think that one over. He shook his head again, immediately. Maybe Tony would leave him anyway, pissed off or dissappointed, but at least Loki could let him know he didn't want Tony to.

”All right. Just try to relax. I'm right here. Not going anywhere, unless you tell me to.” The words were so soft and gentle. They were what made the tears in his eyes finally run down his face, still hidden behind the raised arms. ”Just breathe, Loki.”

For what felt like a long time, that was all he did. Breathed. Relaxed. Calmed down. Got back in touch with reality. Until he could lower his arms, start to untangle and unfold himself from that corner. Loki didn't dare look up, however, afraid of what he would see on Tony's face, and busied himself pulling the covers over his legs as best he could. The shock was leaving and now he was getting cold.

Loki could see his fingers tremble as he let go of the covers.

”I am so very... sorry... ” Loki spoke to those shaking hands,

”Don't be. I've told you before. Never be sorry for what you want or need.”

Loki pulled in a deep breath, gathering what little courage he had, and raised his head to meet Tony's eyes. Whatever he had expected to find in them, it wasn't there. No anger or hurt, no dissappointment, not even any pity. Just warmth.

”I just couldn't...”

When Loki's words dissolved into nothing, and he started pulling a breth to form new ones, Tony raised his hands in a stopping, calming motion.

”You saying no is enough, Loki. I know you had a reason. Telling me and explaining it, though? Yeah, that's not required.” 

Tony let his hands fall back to his thighs, and Loki's eyes followed the movement. He noticed absently that Tony was still naked. He'd gotten rid of the condom, but never taken the time to put clothes on. 

”If you _want_ to tell me, I'll listen. Always. But you don't have to. And you definitely don't have to tell me _now_. That can wait.”

Loki blinked and felt it release more tears. He wiped them off his cheeks, looking away again. Crying in front of someone else was not his favourite thing to do, and still it felt like he had done it in front of Tony a lot of times by now.

”Tony?”

”Yes?”

”If you want to, still. You can come back. I mean, I want you to.”

”Sure thing.” 

Tony moved slowly, though, as he came to sit next to Loki. He shifted the pile of spread out pillows they had been kneeling on before, shoving them up against the wall, and leaned back on them. With hands a lot steadier than Loki's, he strightened the covers out and got them both covered. Then he didn't reach for Loki, still, he just sat there, close by, letting Loki decide if he was ready.

He was. Loki turned away from the corner completely, placed his head on Tony's chest and pressed against him. The muscular arms, as steady as the hands, came up to hold him then.

Loki listened to Tony's heartbeat and breathing, felt the shock and the fear drain out of him.

If he had been aware, he would have been surprised himself when he fell asleep, knocked out by the emotional overload he really had not seen coming.

* * *

Tony sat watching over Loki while he slept, and thought about what had just happened. Even though he still didn't really know what that was. It didn't matter, not at the moment.

What did matter, what made him really damn happy and relieved under the stress and the worry of this whole thing, was that Loki had actually told him no. Tony wasn't blind. He'd seen that it had taken some effort to get that second no out, that little shake of the head to tell him to keep back. But it had been there

Tony knew, knew very well by now, that Loki didn't think very highly of himself. 

Loki was pretty damn sure he wasn't good looking. He didn't think he was appealing in any way, really. Even now, he still seemed faintly surprised at any sign that Tony just plain wanted him. Like it wasn't thinkable.

Loki didn't think he was good enough. Didn't think he measured up. To anything. Thought himself incapable of doing things right. Any things, really. Even things Tony couldn't figure out a way to actually do wrong.

Loki put a very low value on himself. And Tony knew from experience, that people who did, sometimes let themselves get hurt and forced and used in ways they didn't truly want, because they didn't think they were worth any better. That their opinion didn't count, and that they just better take what they were given, because the person giving it was still somehow better than they were themselves. Probably knew better, too.

Inside, he had felt a hidden worry that Loki might turn out to work that way. Now, he had solid evidence that this was not the case.

Sure, Loki had looked like he was expecting a beating for saying no, for stopping Tony, but he had still done it. The fear and the shame they could address later. The important thing was that it hadn't won out.

Tony gently combed his fingers through Loki's hair, wondering what had set it all off.

Obviously, it had been the hand on Loki's throat. Tony had no idea what about it had triggered this, though. He hadn't held on very tightly, so he knew for sure there had been no physical threat, no actual choking. Whatever it was, had happened all in Loki's head.

He wondered if he would ever find out, but what he had told Loki was true; he didn't need to know. All he did know, all he needed to know, was that he'd never lay a hand on Loki's throat again. At least not until asked to.

* * *

Loki wasn't asleep for long. Soon, he stirred under the hand in his hair, and rolled back to face Tony, who now supported him with his arm. They just looked at each other for a while, Loki trying to get a real grip on himself again.

He thought about what he should say. How he should explain this. And wasn't entirely sure he could. He was sure that he wanted to try, even though Tony had said he didn't have to.

It felt important that he did.

It felt important that Tony knew it had had nothing to do with him.

Because it hadn't. This one was all Loki's.

”I want to tell you.” Loki made himself say the words before he could lose his determination to do so.

”Then I'll listen.” Tony's hand moved in gentle circles over his back, soothing.

Loki closed his eyes, hiding behind the lids for a moment to gather his wits and words, as best he could. He knew Tony would wait for him. When he opened them again, the brown eyes met his, with the usual soft patience. It calmed him even more.

”I want to tell you, because I want you to know I didn't say no because I don't trust you.” It surprised him that he found a smile to go with the words. ”You'd never put me in danger, and I know that. That's not why.”

A smile touched Tony's lips at that as well, and the hand on his back rubbed a little harder. But he didn't say anything.

Loki fumbled a bit, then decided where to start. ”Do you remember the old pine tree I showed you this summer? The one on the cliffs? That one that's all twisted over the edge by the winds?”

Tony nodded.

”That was always the place I imagined when I thought about... not living anymore.” Loki had to close his eyes again, and rested his face against Tony's chest, but he didn't stop talking. ”I never wanted to do it in the house. That didn't feel right. Someone would have to... take care of the mess. I didn't want that to be part of the house, when I was gone. It deserved to be... clean.”

Loki felt something change in Tony's heartbeat under his cheek, but there still came no words. He sighed, and went on. 

”The woods was always my safe place anyway. I liked the idea that I might stay there forever. When it was bad, I imagined bringing a rope up to those cliffs. To that tree.” Loki opened his eyes and blinked out at nothing. ”It was already hanging off the edge. Might as well be the two of us.

Silence. For a while. Loki didn't mind it. Then he leaned back into Tony's arm again, daring to face him. Still nothing but warmth in his eyes. Not even pity.

”It's been a really long time since I thought about that”, he mumbled. ”I'd almost forgotten, actually. Or, well, so I thought...”

Tony's hand came up to cup his face, a thumb wiping away one of what Loki hoped would be the last tears of the day.

”So, that was why.” Loki turned to rub his cheek against the touch. ”It was never your fault. You didn't know.”

”No, I didn't know. That's why I shouldn't have done it in the first place. Not out of the blue like that.”

”Tony, please!” Loki actually rolled his eyes, and saw Tony arch an eyebrow at that, surprised by the reaction. ”You never expect me to be perfect, so why do you demand it of yourself? You had no reason to suspect it would go wrong in that way. And even if you had stopped to ask me, I'm not sure I would have suspected it myself, beforehand. I might have let you, thinking it harmless, and then the same thing would have happened anyway.”

”Maybe, but I -”

”No, seriously.” Loki lifted a hand and placed a finger on his lips, silencing him. ”You told me yourself, remember? We can never know until we try. Learning by doing. And sometimes by failing. I know you hoped never to fail, but things don't work out like that all the time. Let's just learn and move on. Can't we?”

Tony smiled behind his finger, and then kissed it. ”We absolutely can.”

* * *

”Tony?”

”Mm?”

The day had passed in a surprisingly relaxed way, considering the traumatic morning. Now they were back in bed, Tony leaning on the pillows with his laptop against his legs, Loki on his stomach beside him, reading. But now, Loki was looking up from the book, studying his face.

”Why is it so important that you don't fail?”

Tony's fingers came to a halt on the keyboard. ”What?”

”I mean, that's something new to you, isn't it?”

Tony frowned. ”I think I have to refer you back to my previous statement – what?”

”That's not a statement.” Loki smiled.

Tony sighed and flipped the laptop closed. ”How about you stop being a smartass, and tell me what you're talking about? No-one likes to fail, you know?”

”I know. But that's not the only reason, I think.” Loki turned serious. ”I remember what you said the first time you made me wear the cuffs. That you'd try to fail as little as possible, _with me_. Like trying not to fail hadn't been a priority before. But it was, now.”

At first, Tony could only stare at him. He had in no way seen this conversation coming. What was going on?

”You remember every word I've ever said to you, or something? That's a bit scary. And impractical as hell. How am I supposed to sneak anything past you that way?”

”You're not supposed to, actually. And stop trying to change the subject.”

”Why are we even on this subject, suddenly?” Yeah, he was still trying to sneak out of it.

”Because I started thinking about it after this morning. And, well... I guess I've seen more signs.”

”Such as?”

”It was just something Thor said to me, when we were at the bar last time.” Loki watched his hands. ”Something he said about you.”

”Okay?” Tony felt equal parts curious and nervous, his mind rushing to find answers that would be useful.

”He said that you had... To quote him, 'fucked up' everything you had been involved in, before.” Loki blushed. ”And he said that you had fucked up because you had wanted to.”

Now Loki looked up, and saw Tony watching him. It was for once hard to know what he should do with his face. In the end, he just kept it at neutral as he could.

”He said he didn't think you wanted to fuck this up.”

Tony almost stared for a moment, then he let go of the stiff mask on his face, and he huffed a laugh. ”Thor. He always manages to be the most perceptive when you least expect it. The bastard.”

”So, he was right?”

”Yeah, of course. But how is it news to you that I want to make this work?”

”That's not the part I wonder about.” Loki shook his head. ”I just couldn't stop thinking about why you _wanted_ to fail, or fuck up, before. Sure, I knew you were the guy who never stayed with anyone for long. But I thought that either was the plan all along, or that you messed up because you didn't know how to do it right.”

Tony swallowed. Thor wasn't the only one most perceptive when you least expected it, or wanted it, for that matter.

”Well, now I know that you know perfectly well how to do it right. So you did plan on messing it up, didn't you? But you pretended to try, and fail. Why?”

With a deep sigh, Tony rubbed both palms over his face. ”Why? Well, because... Shit. Becasue no-one likes to be used, Loki.” He dropped his hands and saw Loki frown at him. ”Because if I pretended to try, I could get them to stay. And if I pretended to fail, I could decide when they would leave.”

Loki's lips parted, silently. Eyes wide.

”Yeah, I know, I know. It's not that pretty, is it?” Tony felt his lips pull in a wry smile, and looked down at his closed laptop. ”Maybe you'll never understand this, because you're very different from me in that way, but being alone has never worked that well for me.” 

Tony glanced at Loki's face, which still looked more or less the same. But he was obviously listening, intently.

”Being alone is the same thing as being lonely, to me. And I never did well on my own. Problem was, I didn't seem to do that well in a relationship either.” He shrugged, trying to make it seem lighter than it was. ”I was the one being left behind, all the time. And then being alone, lonely, was even worse. So I gave up on making the next one be the one to last forever, and just made damn sure _I_ was the one leaving. Because that felt better.”

”So you took what you could get, and got out? But you made them think they weren't just the next one in line, because you tried?”

”Pretty much.”

He could see Loki turn this over in his mind, and wasn't even a little surprised by the next questions.

”So how do I know you are not just pretending this time as well? That you won't turn around and fail, deliberatly, any day now?”

The next smile felt just crooked, as Tony put a hand over Loki's. ”Much as I hate to say it, but you don't. Just like I don't know if you mean it when you say you want to be with me, and only me. We never know things like that. It's impossible. We can never be _sure._ ”

He saw Loki's face darken, and continued. ”We just can't think about that, because that's how people go crazy. What we do, instead of know, is trust. Because that's the only thing we can do. Or, you know, try to do.”

* * *

That was when Loki understood something he should have noticed before.

He himself had told Tony he trusted him. Tony had never said it back.

”But you don't trust me, do you? You think that even if you actually try, I will still leave?”

The words were driven out of Loki by the shock. He had never considered a reality where it would be possible that _he_ would be the one leaving. To Loki, it had always been obvious that Tony would be the one to leave _him_.

Tony's eyes were suspiciously liquid now. ”I guess I don't.” A hint of gravel in his voice. ”I really want to, I'll tell you that much. But I don't.”

They stared at each other for a moment. Then Loki closed his book and put it on the nightstand, before sitting up and taking Tony's laptop from him and placing it on top of the book. With a smooth movement he pushed Tony's pulled up legs flat on the mattress, and straddled them, so he could lean in to kiss Tony. A very serious kiss. Before meeting his eyes again.

”There's no rush.” He smiled at Tony. ”It's right here for the taking, when you're ready. And so am I.”

Tony's hands came up to pull him back in another kiss then. Also serious. And hot. And deep. And demanding. It made the arms Loki was holding himself up on weak.

”Well, I sure am ready to take one of those.” The words were just as hot on Loki's lips.

”Then do it.”

He barely got the words out before Tony pushed him down on his side, was over him, and then out of the bed, leaning in over Loki who was staring up at him, a bit taken by surprise.

”Oh, I will.” With one hand, Tony grabbed one of the pillows he had been leaning against. The other twisted into Loki's hair, pulling at him. ”Get up from there, gorgeous.”

Loki heard _the tone_ in Tony's voice, and fell into focus. Instantly.

Guided by the hold on his hair, he slid off the bed, onto the floor. But not to stand there. Tony dropped the pillow between them, and added a hand on his shoulder, besides the one in his hair. Pushing down. And Loki was more than willing to kneel.

Tony took the hand from his shoulder to free himself of his underwear, letting them slide down his legs to be kicked off. Then he had both hands on Loki's head, tilting it back so their eyes could meet.

”I'm sure you can figure this one out.”

The nod Loki managed made his scalp burn. Then the grip on his hair let up, but didn't let go, and he leaned into Tony, Loki's hands coming up to find support on Tony's hips.

At first, Loki just pressed his cheek against the hard, almost burning hot curve of Tony's cock. The smell of him was familiar, and the feel, but never really this close up before. He turned his head, ran his lips and then tongue over the underside, and was rewarded by a groan. That made him bolder, and he flattened his tongue as he reached the head, licking it clean of the bead that had already formed there.

Not the most delicious thing he had ever tasted, true, but it still felt right.

Loki didn't hesitate to open his mouth then, and take Tony in, slowly, feeling his way. The grip on his hair made itself known again, guiding, but didn't force him in place when he pulled back. It really didn't have to, because Loki came back for more of his own free will, nd for once, this felt like something he could have control over.

Loki had been the one pushed down, the one held in place, but this he was allowed to do at his own pace, in his own way, and he enjoyed finding out what worked, and what didn't. Most things did seem to work, to some degree, by the sound of it.

Then, his playtime was over. Tony gripped him harder again, holding him still, and pushed in deeper. Loki let him, wordlessly, of course, and just angled his eyes up, to meet Tony's.

And just like when Tony had done this to him, the connection whas was tipped the scales.

Loki could feel the rythmic contractions between his lips, knew what was coming, but even as he shouted out, Tony took care to pull his head back, letting the hot rush hit Loki's mouth instead of the back of his throat. But Loki still swallowed, all of it.

* * *

A little while later, in bed, darkness all around him, Tony listened to the slow breathing that told him Loki had already fallen asleep. He was tired too, exhausted, really, after the strangest day in a long time. But his mind was too full, and wouldn't let him slip away from it just yet.

He thought about Loki's breakdown that morning, of the old, dark things he'd told Tony, and of the strange conversation about Tony's relationships. If you could call them that.

Tony had thought for years that he was screwed in the relationship department. That it just wasn't for him. How could it be? It wasn't like he had any experiences to pull from. Any at all, really.

He wasn't ready to trust yet, not all the way. He still wasn't sure. But he was getting there, and now he knew, that learning by failing really was a valid option.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (And as always, Horns of Mischief provides [perfect inspiration](http://usedupshiver.tumblr.com/post/98075074697/use-your-skills-silver-tongue)!)


	11. Fall

Fall was not kind on Loki this year.

Which was sort of an unusual thing. Mostly, Loki loved fall. He didn't really care for sun and heat and spent his summers seeking shadow, so when the world turned away from all that as well, he felt more at home in it. Cool, crisp air and bright colours. Even the gray rains and winds tugging at his hair and chilling him to the bone. It had always made him more comfortable than summer.

Spring, on the other hand? No, Loki hated spring. When everyone else smiled up at the returning sun, he went into hiding, sleeping his days away. Like others did in the fall.

You were _supposed_ to be sad and tired in the fall. You were _supposed_ to be happy in spring.

Trust Loki to not even react to the changing seasons in the socially acceptable way. He just never did anything right, did he?

At least this year, he was following the correct plan. This year, as the nights got longer and colder, as the leaves turned, Loki retreated from the world. He was so tired. So very tired. And he couldn't stand to leave the apartment on most days. Not even the bed. And all he wanted, was to sleep. Alone. All alone.

He could understand why this was happening, however, and why it was happening now.

Loki didn't have much to pull from when it came to reserves of energy. So he had built his life around plans, patterns, structure, where nothing out of the ordinary happened, and let him conserve the energy he had. But this summer, Tony had happened. And he had made a complete mess of Loki's structures. Definitely in a good way, but even things that made Loki happy ultimately also drained him, and then he needed time to rest and replenish his reserves.

This summer he had been incredibly happy, and he had reached ever new insights into himself and his life.

Loki had no words for the experience.

But now? Now he was paying the inevitable price. Emotionally and mentally. Drained. Weary. So he did the only thing he knew to do, and secluded himself.

He spent his time in bed, pretending that he was resting, but in reality never really being either fully asleep or awake. Time passed slowly. Shadows came sneaking closer. Loki knew, inside, that he was in trouble. But he was much too tired to do anything about it. 

Just let him sleep another hour, then he might have the will to care.

Maybe.

* * *

Tony hadn't been lying when he said he had never liked being alone. Or lonely. Which was the same thing to him. Actully, he hated it. And he had still never hated it as much before as he did now. Now, when he'd become used to having someone he actually really loved around him pretty much all the time.

Going from that to, well, nothing, in a matter of about a week was stressful in the extreme, to be completely honest.

At first, Loki just seemed to be a bit off. Tired and restless at the same time. He at first just declined to stay the night, and went home. Then he didn't want to leave his own place, so Tony came over, for a couple of days in a row, but wasn't allowed to stay the night. Then came the first _no_ when he asked to come over.

It felt like a punch in the face. Even though he tried not to take it that way. 

Tony had seen that Loki was getting low, and he wanted to give him space. Knew he needed it, knew that being alone was something that helped build him up. He couldn't really _understand_ that, but he still respected it.

If Loki asked him to stay away, he would. Even though it hurt like a sonofabitch.

Tony just really, really hoped this wasn't some trick. Or, worse, a _test_.

Tony fucking HATED tests. More than being lonely. More than mostly anything, really.

People who asked questions they didn't actually want you to answer honestly. Who said things they didn't mean. Or outright just lied to you. To get a reaction they could then turn against you. People who said things they wanted you to understand the meaning behind and get, even though they didn't even hint at a double meaning. Saying yes, meaning no, hinting at maybe, changing it to no, while meaning yes...

His head hurt just thinking about shit like that. He was really, really hoping Loki wouldn't turn out to be that kind of person. Because that would just be such a fucking dealbreaker.

Tony would be surprised if Loki was, though. But this whole loneliness thing was taking a toll on the very tiny sense of trust he had managed to build before Loki retreated from his life again, and the doubts were seeping in.

To be honest, he hadn't thought he could miss someone this much. Especially someone who spent a lot of his time silent, nose buried in a book. Now Tony knew that those things didn't matter at all. It wasn't the talking he missed. Not even the face. It was the presence. And most of all, the touching. Because that was almost always there, in some form.

Now, he was deprived. Feeling the withdrawal. His skin always hungry.

The first days, the pillow next to his had still smelled of Loki. Now it didn't anymore. He still pulled it close every time he woke up, pretending it was something alive and responsive, but of course that did nothing to help him. Even a little.

Worst case scenario, it would just get him to think about times when he had really woken up to pull Loki close instead. Those kind of thoughts always ended up with him painfully hard, and sometimes he couldn't think it away, and had to take matters into his own hands. So to speak. Which wasn't a problem in itself, of course. Tony was a grown man, he had some experience getting himself off, and saw no reason to be ashamed of it either.

Doing so now was mostly very quick work, too. His body was helpful in providing him with memories of smooth, pale skin, or of red stripes on it, an always so surprisingly hot mouth, and sleek muscles always in eager motion for more of whatever they were getting... Yeah, well, it never lasted long.

On the other hand, it never gave any real relief, either. His body was sort of sated for a while, but his mind was never satisfied.

The craving was getting worse.

And as the days passed, one week turning to two, the worry was also getting worse. Not just for himself, of course, even though the selfish, greedy thoughts of _what the hell do I do if he's just decided to leave me and this is how he tells me?_ wouldn't really be all quiet, most of him was worried about Loki.

A Loki who was down, low, and all alone? That couldn't be a good thing. Still, Tony didn't want to be too quick to intrude. If he was too fast going over there, he might be disturbing Loki just as he was getting back on his feet, on his own, the way he obviously preferred to do it.

Maybe.

Tony turned over in bed, ignoring the painful hardon, and picked up his phone. He had to try reaching out, somehow.

* * *

Loki heard the double vibrations from his phone, resting on the nightstand behind him. It took some time to gather the strength to turn and pick it up, to put it on the mattress beside his pillow instead. Holding it was just too much effort.

_You all right over there, gorgeous?_

Loki just managed the faintest hint of a smile, running his fingertip over Tony's name on the screen. He slowly tapped a reply.

_Fine. Just tired._

He remembered a time when most of his messages to Tony had been longer than three words. No they were often shorter.

_Need anything? Want me to bring food or something?_

_Thanks. No. Just need rest._

A longer pause before the next gentle vibration.

_Ok. You know where I am if you change your mind. Can be there in 10. Day or night. Love._

Loki could have filled his next message with an entire novel, trying to explain how much those words meant to him, and it still wouldn't have been near enough. So he just chose to repeat the one word he had the energy left to type, and hoped it would cover the essentials.

_Love._

Then he slowly turned over, and maybe fell asleep.

* * *

Tony stared at the last message for a long time. Then he decided to give Loki one more day. Just one.

If he got a response that sounded more... well, alive, out of him then, he'd leave him to it all together. 

So the next morning, he sent a new message. 

No answer. 

He tried to wait for an hour – and not die of a heart attack while he waited.

Another message. 

No answer.

All right. Fuck this alone thing! He couldn't take it anymore!

He picked up his phone and called a number. But not Loki's.

* * *

The next time he was aware of anything might have been later the same day, or the same week. Loki really had no idea. The only thing he was sure of, was that he wasn't alone in the bed anymore. Which he definitley should be. The door to the apartment had been locked; he'd checked it more than once.

But he was also sure he knew who was in bed with him. He recognized the feel on the hands finding him under the covers, the spicy smell of skin and aftershave, and the tickle of lips and goatee on the nape of his neck.

Loki pulled a deep breath, trying to understand if this was a dream or not.

”Did you climb in the window again?” He could just make it a whisper, hoping Tony would hear.

Loki felt the lips on his neck tense into a smile.

”No.” Just a hint of the smile in his voice, too. ”I borrowed your brother's spare key.”

How had Tony found out Thor had a spare key? Loki hardly remembered giving him one in the first place. But that still wasn't the most important question.

”Why?”

The hands under the covers slid around him, holding him. ”Because I think it's time to get you out of bed now, sweetheart.”

It was the first time Tony had nicknamed him something other than ”gorgeous”, and he could guess why. He didn't feel gorgeous at all. Not that he ever did, to be honest, but even less so after a coulpe of weeks in bed.

Loki sighed. ”I like it here, Tony. Just... leave me to it.”

”No can do. I know you want to be alone at times, and that it makes you happy, but this isn't that kind of alone. You're not happy.”

Loki wished he could have made a protest, but he just closed his eyes and felt the warmth of Tony's hands against his chest. Realizing how much he'd missed that feeling.

”So now it's time for you to get up and go out for a while. Get a change of air in those poor lungs.”

”I can't.” It was the plain truth.

”No, I guessed as much. At least, not on your own. But that's where I come in.”

”Tony, no. Please. Just... don't.”

”Sorry, Loki. This time, I'll make you, no matter if you let me or not.”

Loki wanted to refuse some more. Put up a fight. Tell Tony he was just a complete, utter _asshole_ for walking in here and just trying to... to... _care_! He was busy resting. Couldn't Tony care somewhere else? From a distance? But if he'd had the energy to do that, Loki wouldn't have been where he was in the first plase, would he?

Right...

So when Tony slowly and gently pulled the covers off him, Loki couldn't do anything but shiver silently. Not because the room was very cold, but he hadn't eaten properly in... no idea how long, and his body had forgotten all about making it's own heat.

”Don't worry, I've got you.”

And Tony did. 

Patiently, he pulled sweatpants on Loki's legs, which were strangely both stiff and limp in Tony's hands as he tried to move them. Then he added socks, before getting his hands under Loki, pulling him up in a sitting, hunched over position, that let Tony work a t-shirt on him. And over that, a thick hoodie, pulling it up over his tangled, greasy hair.

The shivers eased up then, and Loki slowly got his eyes up enough to glance at Tony through his eyelashes.

”What do you want me to do?”

”Nothing. I swear. I'll do all the doing. You just go along for the ride.”

Loki wasn't convinced. It still sounded like a lot of work.

But Tony was nothing if not stubborn as all hell. So somehow he got Loki up off the bed, out of the bedroom, into a pair of shoes, and then out of the apartment, and onto the street outside. There, blinking in the daylight, Loki noticed something familiar.

”Why is Thor's car here?”

”Don't worry your pretty but dirty little head with that.” Tony opened the passenger door, and helped him to get in the seat. ”Not your problem. Just buckle up!”

Then Tony shut the door, and Loki mechanically did as told, while Tony came around to get in behind the wheel. He then started the car, without another word, and drove off. And kept driving, in silence.

”Where are you taking me?”

”Nowhere.”

”What?”

”Just getting you out.” Tony kept his eyes on the road. ”Just go along with it.”

Loki didn't have much choice, so he did.

At first he was hunched over in the seat, barely noticing a difference to being in bed, except that he was sitting up. Then he saw the light. The high, clear autumn light playing in the red and golden colours. He blinked at it, tried to take it all in, and was struck with wonder. Was this the same world where he had spent the last weeks? It didn't look like it. His windowless bedroom could have been a part of some other dimension.

Even the sound of the engine of the car was soothing. Something he didn't have to think about or respond to, but something other than silence or the mutterings in his own mind.

Not really thinking about it, Loki kicked his shoes off, and lifted his legs up to angle his feet in between the dashboard and the windshiled. His usual position for riding in the car. Tilting his head back and watching the golden, sparkling world roll by.

Slowly, he realized that he was awake. Really. For the first time in many days.

* * *

Tony, glancing out of the corner of his eye, noticed the difference coming on in Loki's posture. And he heard the light sigh as Loki relaxed into it, a sigh that wasn't ripped from the aching roots of his heart, like most sighs Tony had heard from him the last weeks, but just a sound of contentment.

He smiled straight ahead, and just kept on driving, circling the town, keeping to the smaller, greener roads.

Finding a shaded spot under some glowing red trees, Tony pulled over and stopped. Which made Loki turn to him, eyes brighter than they had been before.

”You all right?” Tony knew he was, but wanted to hear it anyway.

”I am. Actually.” Loki tilted his head with a tired wince. ”Or, you know. I'm better.”

”Glad to hear it.”

”How did you think of this?” A slow gesture of Loki's limp hand seemed to indicate the car, the nature outside, and everything about it.

”Well, you seemed to really like riding in the car this summer. And it was a way to get you out and about, without you really having to do anything or move around too much.” Tony smiled. ”It seems like it worked?”

”It did.” The weak hand reched for him, fell on his thigh and almost slid off it, before Tony caught it and held on. ”If I'd had the strength, I would have been angry that you came to me like that. Uninvited. Now I'm glad I didn't have the strength, and I'm glad you did.”

Tony just squeezed his hand gently, and they sat in silence for a while.

”You ready to get back?”

Loki nodded.

After putting Loki's hand back in his own lap, Tony started the car and started driving back. The didn't talk the entire way back, but the silence was relaxed, and even though it was obvious Loki was getting tired, his eyes were still bright when Tony saw them.

He'd been really worried about stomping into Loki's home uninvited, but it had been the lesser of two evils. Tony couldn't take worrying about what might have happened in there that he didn't get an answer from Loki anymore. And the equally worried reaction he'd gotten from Thor when he'd called him told him it was the only thing he could do.

Seeing the motionless shape in the bed had been scary, but then he'd heard the slow breathing and known Loki was just asleep.

The rest had been a combination of Loki's lack of ability to resist, and Tony's persistance.

But it had worked out in the end. Now he just had to keep it up, not let go, not let Loki slide back down into that dark hole.

* * *

Back in the apartment, Tony still stopped him from going back to bed.

"No way. You need a shower. And that bed needs changing, too."

"Are you trying to tell me that I smell?" Back leaning against the door of the apartment, too tired to move, Loki wasn't sure he had the energy to feel insulted. Even less sure he had a right to be. Tony probably wasn't wrong.

"No, I'm trying to tell you that you stink." Tony grinned at him. "I'm getting you cleaned up, right now."

And he did.

Loki couldn't even stand up in the shower, but Tony didn't let that stop him. He just let Loki sit on the floor and lean back against his legs as he stood behind him to wash his hair. Then he even got down on his knees to wash the rest of him, as best he could before getting Loki up to wash him off.

Somewere around there, Loki knew that he was sick of this whole thing. Sick of being tired and helpless and always putting Tony in situations where he had to tend to Loki. Like he was a child who couldn't take care of himself.

When Tony had him on the toilet seat, drying him off, he felt exhausted tears fall from his face, to drip onto his thighs. And Tony noticed. Because he always did. He ran the towel over Loki's legs again, and then lifted his head to see his face, and wipe the rest of the tears away.

"You shouldn't have to do shit like this." Loki's voice was gravel, it hurt coming out, his throat tight around it.

Tony's face was very serious. "Having to and wanting to is not the same, you know. And if you think I don't want to, you're sorely mistaken."

Loki had nothing to add, and no energy to say it even if he would have.

Even now, Tony refused to let him return to the bedroom. Instead he dressed Loki in sweatpants and t-shirt again, and placed him on the couch, before returning with pillows and covers - now in clean linens - and made him comfortable there. Pulling the curtain aside to open the window, letting in light and fresh air.

"You stay put now, right here, until I come back with food. And there is no way in hell you're allowed back in bed before you've had something to eat. Just so you know."

Loki just nodded, accepting his fate, almost asleep before Tony was out the door. But at least he was really asleep this time, not just drifting, and truly resting for the first time in many days.

* * *

Tony got thai food, because he remembered that Loki had liked it before. Nothing spicy, but with enough taste to it to appeal to Loki anyway. Or so he hoped.

Back at the apartment, he found Loki sound asleep on the couch, and didn't have the heart to wake him up. So he left the food in the kitchen, and changed the rest of the linens in the bed, which took a while. (Damn, the man owned a _lot_ of pillows.)

Picking Loki's phone out of the bed, he noticed that the last two messages he'd sent still flashed up on the screen when he touched it. Meaning Loki had never even opened them to read them. Likely, he'd never seen them at all. Somehow, that felt better than thinking Loki had read them, and just not answered.

When he came back out in the living room, Loki stirred and opened his eyes, catching sight of Tony and giving a hint of a smile.

"Ready for something to eat?" Tony placed his elbows on the back of the couch, leaning in over him.

Loki seemed to think about it, them smelled the air in the room, and nodded slowly. "I'm willing to give it a try."

"That's all I'm asking." It wasn't really, but he could pretend he wouldn't force the food down Loki's throat if he had to.

He didn't have to.

With Tony's help, Loki actually ate an impressive amount of the portion Tony had gotten him. At least, impressive compared to what Tony had expected him to get down. And that made him happy. Because seeing Loki without his clothes now had been pretty damn sad. How could just over two weeks get him that frail?

Not that Tony gave two shits about how Loki looked. He just wanted him healthy.

When Loki couldn't eat any more, Tony made good on his promise, and let him go back to bed. Finally. He got the clothes back off him, and tucked him in under the covers, sitting on the edge of the bed, ready to leave.

Then, Loki turned his head to glance over his shoulder. "Tony?"

"Yes?"

"Would you... stay with me tonight?"

"Sure thing."

Tony thought his heart might just explode with relieved joy, but he focused on getting his clothes off instead, and got down behind Loki, turning off the lights before he curled up with an arm cradling Loki's ribs, palm over his sternum, face full of the now clean, soft hair. It was everything he'd been missing. Well, almost everything.

The last part of everything made itself known as well, even though he wasn't the one to notice first. Instead he felt Loki tense up in his arms, and shift slightly away.

"Tony... I don't think I can."

Suddenly, Tony was aware that he was hard, and had been pushing against Loki's ass. Immediately, he pulled back.

"No, sorry, of course not. Just ignore that." He rubbed his hand against Loki's chest. "I've just missed you. A lot. All over."

Loki's hand came up to settle over his. "It's... okay. In that case, I'm pretty happy it's there. I mean, that you've missed me."

"'Course I have, gorgeous." Tony lifted his head to kiss Loki's shoulder. "Would be strange if I didn't miss the best thing to even happen to me, right?"

A short silence.

"And, just for the record, I want to clarify that by 'the best thing' I mean you, all of you. Not just the sex. Although that sure is something."

Another short silence. But Tony just left that one unbroken.

"I have missed you too." The thin fingers gripped his a bit harder. "Not as much as I should have, not as much as I would have wanted to, because I didn't have enough feeling left to miss you that much. But I have."

"Is it weird to say that I'm kind of happy you did too, at least a little?"

"No. Not at all."

"Great." 

A longer silence. So long that Tony actually thought Loki had fallen asleep when he spoke again.

”You are the best thing that's ever happened to me, too.” One of those long, pained, shaky sighs. ”And that makes me wish even more that I wasn't... This.”

”Well, this isn't what you _are_ , Loki.” Tony propped himslef up on his elbow, so he could lean in and kiss Loki's ear, jaw, cheek, felt him shiver slightly under the touch and just held him closer – careful to keep his hips angled out of it, didn't want it to seem to be about anything but holding him. ”This'll ease up and pass. And I'll do anything I can to help you.”

”It will. But then it will come back, sooner or later.”

”Then we do it again. And again. As many times as it takes.” Tony mumbled against his cheek. ”I'm not here for something short and sweet, ready to run as soon as it gets a bit rough. I know you have no reason to believe that, considering the talk we had about my past... relationships, for lack of a more fitting word. But I mean that. You're not getting rid of me that easily.”

”I might never want to get rid of you.”

”Could live with that.”

”Sure?”

”Sure as I've ever been about anything.”

Tony got down behind Loki again, and the silence that fell wasn't broken, letting them both fall asleep.


	12. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life doesn't run a clear course  
> It flows through from within  
> It's supposed to take you places,  
> and leave markings on your skin
> 
> And those marks are just a sign  
> of something true  
> you witnessed in your time.  
> Of something new,  
> like the start of something fine.
> 
> /"Love will come to you", Poets of the fall

Tony borrowed the car from Thor four more times over the next two weeks, making sure to get Loki out of the house on days when the sun was shining, the sky was high and he would see as much light and colour as possible. He spent as much time as he could, and was allowed to, at Loki's place between the car rides, and that was a lot more than the previous two weeks. Tony made sure Loki showered, and actually didn't have to help him through it anymore, made sure he ate, talked to him of anything that could help distract him from his own mind for a while, and gave him as much physical closeness as he could. If it was just holding hands between the seats during the silent drives, or sleeping curled up against each other on the nights Loki wanted him to stay.

It seemed to do good.

After the two weeks, Tony got Loki to start coming out for walks. They were short at first, pretty much just circling the block, but later they spent the better part of an hour wandering the area. Almost every day.

Often they rested halfway, in a small park, where a small bench was placed under a willow with long, trailing branches growing barer every time they stopped by. They usually sat there in silence, but sometimes this was the time when Loki found the strength to start conversations. This day was one of those times.

”I think I can start believing it now.” Loki was slightly hunched over on the bench, both his hands tucked between his thighs for warmth. There was a chill in the ir that got to them when they sat still. ”Believe that you are not just here for, as you said, 'something short and sweet'. That you are not just pretending to care.”

Tony could just sit and look at his serious face for a moment, trying to understand that he had really heard what he had thought he heard.

”What made you think so?” He moved closer, putting an arm around Loki's back, warming him.

”Honestly? Almost every single thing you have said or done since I found you on my couch.” Loki's smile was soft and genuine. ”But even more so this last month. When you first stayed away because I asked you to, and then came to find me anyway. You wouldn't have done any of it if you were planning on walking out any day.”

”Sounds unlikely”, Tony agreed, answering his smile.

”What still makes me hesitate, I think, is the fact that I don't understand why you did what you did before. I mean, before me.” The smile faded. ”Why did you do what you did? What is different this time?”

”Wow.” Tony leaned back slightly, not taking his arm away, but needing some space to gather his thoughts. ”Why don't you ask me a couple of hard questions while you're at it?” 

”Sorry.” Loki didn't look very sorry, though. ”I just think a lot these days. Sometimes answers help.”

”All right. Well, sure, I guess you sort of have a right to know, anyway. I just don't really like to talk about it, so I put it off.” Biting his lip thoughtfully, Tony let his eyes wander over the grass and fallen leaves in front of them. ”I told you it was because I didn't like being alone, right?”

Loki nodded. ”Yes, but I guessed there was a reason for that to begin with.”

”Well, the reason is I was alone almost all the time growing up.” Still watching the silvery leaves from the willow where they were sticking out of the grass by his feet. ”But not like you. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. My father worked, all the time. I hardly knew I had a father until I was twelve, or something like it. He just never showed up for anything but sleeping.”

He took a breath, gathering his thoughts. ”My mother was there, in body, but no more. Now I think she hated the fact that my father was away all the time, too, and that she found all the company she needed in the bottle. So I was left alone.”

Tony felt Loki move against him, coming closer, but no words interrupted him.

”I made up for it by being overly social when I was sent to school. I really, badly, wanted and needed to be around other people, but I had no idea how to do it right.” Tony gave a soft snort of laughter at the awkward memories. ”And of course, I couldn't handle girls either, or relationships. I'd never seen one before. Things got messed up so badly, so many times, and they left me, every single time. So, well, then I chose to just fake it.”

One of Loki's hands left it's hiding place between his legs and came to rest on Tony's thigh instead. Tony put his free hand over it. It was still cold.

”But when I got better at faking it, I also learned more about how I should do it if I actually wanted to make it work. You have to understand and know something to pretend doing it, you know?” Tony looked at Loki to see him nod. ”What's different this time? I guess that's both a really easy question and the hardest one to explain. The easy answer is that it's different because I love you, and there are no real reasons and explanations behind that, other than the truth of it.”

Loki nodded again, slowly this time. ”I think it helped.” He smiled again. ”Even though I will still think about it. A lot, probably.”

”Sounds like something you would do.” Tony leaned over to kiss the smile. ”Just don't worry over it too much.”

”I'll try.”

Tony held Loki's icy fingers, and liftied them to his mouth to breathe warm air on them. ”Feels like it's time to go bck home.”

And they did, to curl up on the couch, where Tony rubbed Loki warm again.

It ended with Loki straddling his thighs as Tony was leaning against the backrest, hands stroking their way up Loki's back. With a pleased purr Loki arched his back into the warm hands, seeking more, his cheek against Tony's. He seemed even more pleased when the hands moved to his shoulders and neck, and then hair.

Tony combed his fingers into Loki's hair, just the way he always did going to grip it, hold on to it. But then he thought better of it, and just let his hand slide all the way through the black waves. 

They had had sex a couple of times the last weeks, but it had been slow and soft and sweet, and he had been careful not to put any sort of mental strain on Loki.

Now he was surprised to hear Loki make a frustrated little noise, pulling his head back to almost _glare_ at him.

"When are you going to stop being so damn gentle with me, Tony?" His fingertips were digging into Tony's shoulders. "I'm not made of glass all of a sudden."

"I didn't want to push you into anything." Tony gave him a smile, but Loki still looked just as frustrated. "I didn't want to ask something you didn't have the energy for."

"I get that, but I have enough energy now. And I want you to be anything but gentle."

"You do, do you?"

It wasn't that usual to hear Loki speak about what he wanted, and Tony definitely hadn't expected it now, of all times. He liked it, though. A lot. As a kind of reward, he got his hand back into Loki's hair, this time gathering it in a firm grip, just the right way to pull a groan from Loki.

"If you don't want gentle, what do you want instead?"

"Tony..." Loki seemed to lose his courage there.

"Tell me, won't you?" With the hold on the black hair he turned the pale face towards his own.

The green eyes seemed to fill half that face. "I want you to hurt me."

Every drop of blood in Tony's head seemed to move somewhere else at those words, but he made himself take a few extra precautions anyway.

"Are you sure you want that?"

Loki raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, are you sure you want it _now_? When you're still not completely recovered?"

"I'm sure. I know i am. I wouldn't want it so badly if it wouldn't do me good."

Tony studied his face for a moment, considering this. Then he decided to be frank, because that was the only way to do this right, in his opinion.

"All right, listen up here, gorgeous, because this is important." He let go of the black hair and placed his hands on Loki's arms, held his gaze steadily. "You'll most likely never hear me say that anything you want from me is wrong. I don't judge like that. But. I will refuse to be part of anything you want for the wrong reason."

"Wrong reason?" Loki's brow knitted.

"You know how I told you I don't want you to hurt yourself, right?"

A nod.

"Well, I still don't. And even more than that, I don't want to be the tool you use to do it." Tony tilted his head forward, careful to make his point. "You get that?"

"I do." Loki put his hands om Tony's chest, holding his eyes. "And you don't have to worry. I don't want it because I'm miserable. Or because I hurt inside. I just... want it. Need it. In itself." He smiled. "I want the focus. The moment. And I want you." His hands curled into Tony's t-shirt. "I need you."

There was just no way to say no to that, was there? And Tony felt sure now that Loki was honest with him. So he pushed him back, off the couch, so they could both get up, and then led Loki into the bedroom.

"On the bed, gorgeous. Naked. Face down."

Loki moved to obey immediately, and Tony shut the door, to get to the wardrobe behind it. Of course, Loki owned no whips, but there were always other useful things instead, and he soon found a nice leather belt that would do just fine.

When he turned back, Loki was where he had been told to be. Pillows pushed aside, head resting on the covers, eyes closed. Tony stepped up, used his foot to move a couple of books in under the bed, and then squatted down, placing a hand on Loki's head.

"Look at me, Loki." He kept the tone, the order, out of his voice now, making it a request. The green eyes opened to him at once anyway. "You know that I love you?"

"I do."

"That's good. Because what I want to do to you tonight, might feel like I don't."

He could see Loki's pupils dilate, felt a slight shudder under the hand still resting on him.

"Yes, it will feel like you do, Tony", he whispered. "Anything you give me feels like love."

And then Tony couldn't resist leaning in to place a kiss on the corner of his mouth, before getting back on his feet, looking down on the freely offered body in front of him.

Right then, he had one of those rare, surreal moments when the utter strangeness of what he wanted hit him. That he so badly wanted to use this belt to cause pain to another person. A person he loved, at that. And that the love didn't stop him; it just made him want it more.

Both adding to the surreal feeling, and easing the worry, was the knowledge that the man he loved wanted this just as much. Had expressedly asked for it.

Tony moved the thoughts to the back of his mind, got into focus, got a grip on the leather strap in his hands, and was ready to start.

* * *

This was the first time the palm if Tony's hand wasn't the first thing to hit him. This time, it was all leather from the beginning.

He had seen the belt in Tony's hands when he stood by the bed, and he had known some of what would be coming, but not all of it. Not nearly all of it.

At first, just the end of the belt hit him, reminding him a lot of the tawse Tony had used on him the first time. It was more of a shock to feel it on his unprepared skin, but it didn't hit him hard to begin with. He had time to get used to it as the carefully placed hits wandered over him. Starting at the top of his ass, skillfully avoiding the bones of his lower back, moving lower, stinging at the creases where his thighs started, burning the back of his legs, down to his knees, and then back up the way it had come, growing harder all the while.

Loki was quiet at first, but when the belt was back where it had started, and began working down again, he was pulling in hissing breaths with every hit.

Then there was a pause. A short one.

When the belt struck him the next time it made him shout out in a mix of surprise and pain, body moving in a spasm, fingers grasping at cloth.

Tony had folded the belt in half. The new hit was harder, heavier, leaving both a burn and an ache.

Another short pause. To let him relax.

Then the belt hit him again, and very soon Loki was completely lost in the moment. Just as he had wanted to be. He could feel the pain like something warm swallowing him up, holding him steady, grounding him - and letting him fly. Loki was vaguely aware of his body wanting to fight or flee, the muscles working to make him move, heartbeat strong in his chest, adrenaline rushing him. But the instincts were setting themselves up for failure; everything they did just added to his pleasure.

Loki wanting something different than his body and mind wanted was nothing new to him, at all. What was new about this, however, was that he had chosen this. Asked for it. And the moment he no longer wanted it, he had the power to stop it. All he had to do was open his mouth and ask for it to be taken away, and he both knew and trusted that it would be, instantly.

He was in control. Which let him be present in this, feel it, and enjoy it. 

And he did.

As he shifted under the lashes, part moving towards them, part moving away, he noticed that he was hard enough to hurt him as well, as he pressed against the mattress. Nothing in his life had prepared him for the possibility of pain giving him pleasure, or – stranger yet – turning him on. But it was impossible to deny it. And, well, useless. He saw no reason to.

Flashes of memories of what with some generousity could be called his sex life, before Tony, moved behind his eyes. It had been all unsure acts, meetings of insecure individuals, and even though they had wanted the same, no-one had ever been fully satisified.

Loki and Tony wanted completely opposite things out of this, but that wasn't a weakness now, it was a strength, it was what turned it into a symbiosis. They both fed off the other's pleasure, taking and giving back in equal measure. And even though what they gave and got back wasn't what might be expected, it let them meet on another level than just the physical.

He knew he had been right when he had said this would do him good.

His life and his mind had been nothing but gray, and the numb kind of hurt that came from the inside. The sort of hurt that felt like quiet death. This pain, sharp and real and tangible, felt strangely like life. It washed him clean of the numbness.

It could have meant he was using Tony to hurt himself just to feel, but it wasn't like that.

This wasn't destructive. It was no punishment. It wasn't meant to break him down, and it didn't. It built him up.

And when the tears finally came, they made him feel whole.

* * *

When Tony heard and saw the first sob shake Loki's shoulders, he stopped.

By then the once pale skin was every shade from pink to angry red, from Loki's ass, down to the creases behind his knees. A couple of red marks even crossed the back of his calves. Loki had been able to take a lot, and Tony was happy about that, becuse he'd had a lot to give.

He wasn't done just yet either.

The belt was dropped on the floor now, though, and instead Tony went for the lube and condoms in the nightstand before getting on the bed, spreading Loki's legs to get between them.

Before he had always stopped after the whipping, had let that be it's own satisfaction. Not today. Now he slid his finger in between the abused cheeks of Loki's ass, pushing his way inside, through an unusual amount of resistance. Which was no surprise, but had to go away.

"Relax." He gave the word the steel edge of command.

For a moment it seemed to be enough, and he could get a second finger inside Loki. Then tension was back. Tony stopped moving the fingers, but didn't remove them. Instead he raised his left hand and placed a slap on Loki's ass. He didn't have the full strength and control in that hand, like in his right, but on the red, hot, sore skin it was more than enough. Tony felt the muscles around his fingers tighten even more when Loki twitched and whined with pain. Interesting... He might use that. Later.

"Now. Which part of 'relax' was it you didn't understand?" The voice was still steel. The hand he let slide from the red skin up the muscles of the tense back, was not. He used gentle fingertips to trace them along the spine.

Almost instantly, Loki let out a slow sigh. Tony saw the back in front of him sink down, and suddenly everything around his fingers was soft, yielding and welcoming. With a smile he started moving them again and heard a moan from Loki that he knew wasn't pain.

"Isn't that much better?" Tony mumbled.

He wasn't expecting an answer, and was pleasantly surprised when Loki shifted slightly, turning bright eyes at Tony over his shoulder.

"Yes." It was just a whisper, but it was there.

Tony traced more light caresses over Loki's back. "And it was very well done, too."

He saw a hint of a blush on the pale cheek at the praise, then Loki dropped his face back on the covers.

After that, getting Loki prepared wasn't hard at all. 

When he felt ready, Tony gripped his hip and leg, and turned him over, to place the back of Loki's thighs over his own folded legs. It made Loki moan and mutter something impossible to make out, which made Tony smile at the wincing face. He knew very well this position would hurt, and it was the idea, of course. 

Tony moved forward, spreading Loki's legs more, making him lift them to cross them behind his hip. Which made him moan even more. And that was before Tony pushed into him, and against his sore ass and thighs. Then every slow thrust made Loki whine and hiss in Tony's ear as he leaned in over him, staying close, knowing that the heat of Tony's body would hurt all on it's own.

It was impressive how relaxed Loki managed to remain, through the pain, but now Tony wanted to try see if he could change that. He moved a hand down to rest over the hot skin on Loki's ass, where he could clearly feel the raised, swollen ridges left behind by the belt, and slowly let his fingers grip the flesh.

That made Loki cry out and push his head back into the mattress. As Tony felt a tightening around his cock, he saw new tears run down Loki's temples. He bent his head to kiss them away, and Loki's arms came up to rest around his shoulders, holding him close.

It didn't take a lot before Tony knew he couldn't hold back much longer. So he moved the hand holding on to sore skin, and got it in between them to stroke Loki's cock instead. 

Tony didn't make Loki beg this time. He'd earned it.

* * *

After a quick shower, where Loki learned all about how painful hot water can be on raw skin, they were back on the bed. Loki once more naked, facing down, but this time all by his own choice. Anything else was really too painful or uncomfortable.

Tony found some lotion in the bathroom, which he spent some time very, very gently applying to the red, angry skin. The lotion helped soothe him as much as the kind attention did, and when he was done, Tony lay down next to him, close and comforting.

Loki thought he should be tired, probably was, but he was still too high to feel it. He shifted, half turned, got a hand up to run his fingers through the damp spikes of Tony's hair.

”I see no way I would have figured out the appeal of this if you hadn't shown me.”

Tony grinned. ”Maybe you wouldn't have. Some seem to need to try before they want it. Others know pretty much from the start.”

Loki tilted his head onto the bed. ”Let me guess... You always knew?”

”I did. But I spent a whole lot of time pretending I didn't.”

”Why?”

”Because no-one tells you, growing up, that hitting people because it feels good is okay. Especially not girls.” Tony gave a wry smile. ”And who do you talk to when your wet dreams are more about hurting people than actually having sex with them? I'll tell you who – no-one, that's who.”

Loki thought about that, and had no trouble understanding at all.

”So I spent a lot more time than I should have had to, thinking I was probably some kind of monster. Until I met someone who told me otherwise.”

”Who was that?” 

”Actually, it was the only other man I've spent more than a night with before.” Tony propped himself up on an elbow now, and Loki moved the hand from his hair to rest on the covers between them. ”He loved anything that hurt, and wasn't afraid to ask for it. When I, very reluctantly, gave it to him, it made me realize I'd wanted it all along.”

Loki was even more curious now. ”How did that make you feel? To finally find what you wanted?”

”I had sort of a breakdown, I think.” Tony rubbed his hand over his face, but he smiled as he did it. ”The monster thoughts came back, and I was sure I was a horrible person. Who likes hurting people? That's just not right. But this guy, he explained that I wasn't. That I could like what I liked, and still not be evil.”

”Well, you're not.”

They met in a smile.

”No, I know that now. It's been years since I got over that. But it took time.”

Tony stretched out on the mattress again, and for a while they were silent, before Tony turned to get the lights. Then they shared the same silence in the dark.

A thought hit Loki then, and he was sure he shouldn't really ask the question that came with it, but he had to know.

”If I had never turned out to enjoy it when you make me, or hurt me, would you still have been here now?”

There was a rustle of fabric as Tony's hand came up from under the covers to touch his face.

”Yes, I would. I told you I love you before we found out about that part, remember?” A thumb caressed Loki's cheek while fingers moved over his hairline and ear. ”I still would have loved you.”

A short silence, that Loki just knew held more words.

”To be completely honest, though? I wouldn't have counted on this lasting as long.” Tony's hand still touched his face, but the movements were slower, more hesitant. ”I know that sounds horrible. It still wouldn't have been because I didn't love you, but I know what I need, in the end. Even though I can do without for some time, just like I can do without sex at all, it's what I need to be satisfied. That's probably really selfish, but true.”

Loki turned it over in his mind for a moment.

”Before, I probably would have thought that _was_ horrible”, he agreed. ”Now, though? No, I understand that now. The need. And I wouldn't have wanted to be the reason you didn't get what you needed.”

Tony gave a little sigh in the darkness, then moved in to kiss Loki on the corner of his mouth. Just like he had done before using the belt.

”You sure are far too selfless, gorgeous. Maybe I need to rub some ego off on you?”

Loki felt himself blush under Tonys hand. He had no answer.


	13. Bruises

It should have been over when strong hands moved Loki back over a well placed leg and got him down on his back on the floor. But he was quick for once, and found the tiny moment of weakening in the hands, twisting free. He got to his feet, and not that much more, before the hands caught him again, from behind. 

Trying to pull himself free, he nearly fell over the couch instead, and in seconds the hands had him down on his knees by the edge, one at his neck, pushing cheekbone and temple down in the cushion. Growling, Loki put his hands against the backrest, pushing back, trying to curl himself into a ball, his back a hard, bony shield, protecting him as he attempted to roll away, break free again. But then a leg was pushed in between his, hard hips forcing him against the edge, and he had nowhere to go.

Still, Loki wouldn't give up, give in, surrender. He bucked under the hand still holding his head down, when the other hand started pushing his t-shirt up over his back, and heard the muffled curse as he nearly broke free. Then the other hand had to hold him down as well, and his clothes would just have to stay in place. For a while.

Then a heavy chest was over him, pushing him down, taking the air from him. The hand not at his neck pulled the neckline of his t-shirt down, and then...

Loki let out a shout that was half swallowed by the couch as teeth caught the muscle of his shoulder. Hard. And suddenly, the animal in him was all ready to admit defeat, submit. His hands stopped pushing away from the backrest, he went limp under the body over his, accepting his fate.

Loki both heard and felt the laughter as Tony's mouth let his shoulder go.

”So _that's_ the trick to get you to give up?” He was barely breathing noticeably harder when he spoke into Loki's ear, while Loki was panting, his heart pounding against his ribs.

Damn.

Why wasn't he a better actor? Why couldn't he pretend? Why wasn't Tony less perceptive? Did he really have to pick up on Loki's every single secret and weakness?

Well, apparently he did. And apparently, he also had to use them all against him.

The teeth came back, trailing beatifully burning bites up his shoulder and neck, the last one right below the hairline. And long before that one, Loki was groaning and moving his hips back against Tony's. 

”Yeah, that's an 'I win' button if I ever saw one.”

Loki could hear the smug grin. It ignited the faded flame of resistance all over again.

By now, Tony was relaxed, not expecting any more fight out of him. So when Loki suddenly and forcefully pushed back into him, twisting in the same movement, he actually was taken by surprise and lost his grip long enough for Loki to turn away from the couch. With his muscles weak and shaky from adrenaline, he never got to his feet, however. Tony was back on him quicker than that, and then he was flat on the floor instead.

Much better...

”Nice try, that one.” Tony was pretty much lying on top of him now. ”Not nice enough.”

Loki got his hands on the floor by his head and managed to turn it enough to glance at Tony over his shoulder. ”I'll win one day.”

”I'm sure you will. One day.” Tony's hand slid into his hair, tilting his head to reveal his neck to those teeth again. ”Not today, though.”

This time Loki didn't fight back when his t-shirt was pushed up, or when fingers found their way into his underwear. He was much too distracted by teeth, the tongue hiding behind them, and what it all did to the sensitive skin on his neck. And then distracted by those fingers.

He had never fought to win, anyway. Not really.

* * *

They never got up from the floor at all after that. Uncomfortable as it was, they just never found the time to interrupt what they were doing long enough.

So Tony was still there, catching his breath afterward, when he heard his phone start ringing. As luck would have it, he just had to reach up to the pushed aside coffee table to catch the vibrating device. A glance at the screen told him who it was.

”Hey, man.”

”We're going out tonight.” Thor didn't even bother with a greeting.

”We are?”

”Yeah. Just talked to Nat. She was pissed at Clint for... some reason. Or another. I didn't really pay attention, it all sounds about the same when you've heard it a hundred times, you know?”

”Sure.”

”Anyway. She wants to go out with us tonight. Without him.”

That made Tony's eyebrows go up. ” _She_ wants to go out?”

”I know! So we are.”

Of course they were. You didn't say no to Nat.

”Just give me a when and a where.”

Thor did. Then added: ”And bring Loki along, will you? Haven't seen him in ages.”

Tony glanced down at Loki's face, resting on his upper arm, eyes closed. ”I'll try. See you later.”

”Later!”

Tony ended the call and rested the hand with the phone on his chest, leaning his head forward to kiss Loki's forehead. ”Your brother says he wants you to join us at the bar tonight.”

Loki groaned, turning on the floor to come even closer, burying his face in Tony's armpit. ”When?” It was almost muffled by Tony's own body, but he heard it.

He lifted the phone again to check the time. ”Almost five hours. No rush.”

”If I get a nap, I'll come along.”

”Deal.” Tony slowly sat up, making Loki roll over on his back again, boneless, eyes still shut.

”Will you carry me to bed?”

”No deal.”

Loki opened one eye to look at him. ”Are you calling me fat?”

”Like that would make sense.” Tony reached his hand out to pinch Loki's waist. He'd gained some weight since the darkest time that fall, but Tony's fingers still just caught pale skin. ”More like I can barely carry myself. You're on your own.”

With a sigh, Loki sat up while Tony managed to get to his feet. Then he raised a long, thin hand. ”At least help me up?”

”That I can do.”

He could, and when he'd led Loki into the bedroom, he ended up on the bed as well. Just to rest his eyes a bit. Really.

Tony woke up three hours later, having left a wet spot of drool on the pillow, wondering what had happened. He stretched, his flexing body jostling Loki awake as well.

”Damn.” Tony muttered, pushing the covers aside to find Loki's sleepy face. ”The hell did you do to me? That was the best nap I've had in years.”

Loki gave a hoarse little laugh. ”It wasn't bad.”

”I'm going to need a shower to wake me up.”

* * *

In the shower, shared as usual, Tony turned to hand him the shampoo, and seemed to think of something.

”You met Nat before, right?”

Loki thought about it. ”Once. When I just got here, and Thor still thought he could get me to join the gang.”

”I remember.” Tony lathered up his short hair, eyes squeezed shut tight. ”You lasted like, an hour?”

”Something like it.” Loki put the bottle away, and started washing his own hair.

”You think we would have gotten to this point sooner if you had stayed longer?” Tony's words were a bit unclear as water ran over his face.

Thinking about it, Loki tilted his head to the side, rubbing the shampoo into the lengths of black, using both hands. When Tony rubbed the water out of his face, he was still thinking.

”Well?” A smile.

”No, I don't think so.” Loki answered the smile as he said it, making it softer. ”I remember meeting you too. That was the first time. And I think I spent all of five seconds looking right at you during that hour.” He took his foamy hands out of his hair and straightened. ”You were the best looking guy in that entire place and I had a hard time breathing just sitting at the same table.”

Lips parting as he listened, Tony stared at him. ”You never told me that.” He looked a bit stunned. ”But you still don't think it would have happened then?”

”No. Not because of you, of course.” He stepped into the water, rinsing the shampoo out. ”But I wouldn't have been ready for that back then. Sometimes I'm not sure I am now, either, but at least I'm closer.”

When his hair was clean and Loki could open his eyes, Tony was still staring at him.

”What?”

”I just cant get over the fact that I walked around for... what, a year? And never knew I could have a shot at all this.”

”Well, at least you took the shot when you had it.” Loki smiled.

”I did. Lucky as hell.” Tony stepped up for a splashing wet kiss. ”But, right, Nat. You do remember her too, at least?”

”How could I not?” Loki answered as Tony turned the water off and started getting out. ”She was really, really scary.”

Laughing, Tony handed Loki a towel before getting one for himself to dry off. ”She sure can be. It's all just a cover for her having a really good heart under all of it, though. She's seen some shit, Clint isn't always helping, because he can be a real dick when he wants to, but I think she kind of loves us all, really. On the inside. Not that she would ever admit it.”

”This is sort of making me think she is going to be there tonight?”

”Spot on.”

Loki wasn't sure how he felt about that, and still wasn't when they arrived at the bar and found Thor and Natasha already in the usual booth.

She was beautiful. There was no doubt about that. With the perfect face of a doll, all innocence and porcelain under the soft curl of dark red hair. Something in the curve of her very full little mouth, painted almost the same shade of red, hinted that the innocence was very deceptive, however. Her huge eyes appeared to see everything in the entire bar, at once.

There was nothing to even hint that she had any objections to Tony's and Loki's new involvement with each other. And even though Tony had given a subtle warning that she might be in a bad mood, she seemed content to just sit by Thor's side, sipping from a glass of white wine, and listen to him and Tony talking. Because as always, they did most of the talking.

Halfway through his first beer, Loki felt warm enough to unzip his hoodie, and pull it off. When he had, and leaned forward to rest his elbows on the table again, he suddenly saw Thor staring at him. No, not at _him_ , really. At his left arm. Confused, frowning, Loki followed his brother's blue eyes, and immediately understood. 

On the pale skin of his bicep, it was easy to make out bruises. And not even hard to tell that fingers had made them, gripping him hard enough to hurt and mark him.

Loki shifted his eyes to Tony, next to him, and saw him look at the bruised skin as well, before turning to face Thor. Loki looked over at his brother too, wondering what they should say to smooth this one over. Realizing it was too late, Thor's eyes going stormy dark glaring at Tony.

That was when help came from an unexpected place.

One of Nat's sharp little elbows shot out, hitting Thor in the ribs, snapping him out of whatever he had been about to say, to glare down at her instead.

”Shut up, Thor.”

”What?!”

”Not your business.”

He stared at her a moment longer, then going to shift his eyes between Loki – who of course was blushing, as usual – and Tony, who still seemed uncharacteristically lost for words. He shifted from gold to red, to white, and then red again.

That's when Tony put a palm on the table, a little more force behind it than usual. ”I need a smoke. Thor, want to join me?”

For once, Loki saw that his brother actually got the hint, even through his confused anger. With a short nod, he picked up his jacket, and followed Tony outside.

Leaving Loki all alone with the scariest woman in the bar. He glanced over at her, as he picked up his hoodie and started pulling it back on, covering up the offensive arm, and noticed she was smiling. It was mostly just a slight upwards curve of the corners of her red mouth, but it made her face a lot warmer than he had thought it could be.

”Your brother sure cares about you.”

It was the last thing he had expected her to say, and he could just blink.

”Like most people, Thor doesn't see half of what happens right in front of his face, and even less when it involves people he doesn't really care about.” She shrugged. ”If he used his eyes, he would have noticed Tony coming here before with dates who had a hard time sitting down without making faces, who weren't good enough with the make up to cover up some marks, or even wore skirts too short to hide others. Possibly on purpose.”

Loki still didn't know what to say.

Natasha sipped her wine. ”It just took one look at the bruises on that lily white arm of yours to almost make his head implode, though. So, he must really love you.”

”I guess so.” Loki swallowed. ”You still think he loves Tony, too?”

Another shrug. ”Maybe. We'll see if he comes back alone or not.”

Heart skipping a beat, Loki turned to look out the windows. He could just make out the shapes of them in the dim lights from the neon sign above the door. At least they were both standing, and didn't look like they were aiming blows at each other.

The two men that meant the most to him in the entire world. 

Loki really didn't want them fighting. Least of all because of him...

”That was a joke.”

He snapped his head back. Natasha had a slightly concerned look on her doll face now, but concerned for him, he realized, not the two outside.

”Thor has a temper, but he's no match for Tony's mouth. Don't worry.”

It was useless trying to tell Loki not to worry, but he tried. He really tried.

* * *

Tony did light a cigarette, and one for Thor too. But while he pulled hard enough at his own to hurt his throat, trying to find some sense of strength in it, Thor just held his, staring away at nothing while the glow turned it to ashes.

Out of all the awkward conversations he had never wanted to have, this one was at the very top of the list.

 _Yeah, by the way? In my spare time I like to whip your little brother until he cries, or pretend to fuck him against his will. But you know, enough about me – how was_ your _week?_

How about no?

Actually, Tony didn't even think Thor knew he liked those kinds of things. At all. It had never been a subject that had come up, and Tony had always had a feeling Thor just wouldn't be the kind to understand it. Now it seemed like he might have been right. Even though it was hard to blame him, in this situation.

Finally, Thor blinked, and lifted his cigarette. Only to find it had turned into ashes all the way to the filter, and threw it away with a disgusted face, before turning on Tony.

”What the hell, man?” There was anger there, but mixed with confusion, and some hint of betrayal that hurt a bit.

”Okay. Fine.” Tony took one last, burning drag off the cigarette and dropped it, to put it out with the heel of his shoe. ”Although really, Nat was right. It's not your business. But I know you won't let it drop, so I'll try to explain.”

”Damn right you will.” The darkest rumble Tony had ever heard out of him.

”It's not what you think it is.” Oh, the classic line that never got old. ”Yeah, I put those bruises on him. They weren't the first and won't be the last. But if you seriously think I'd do anything against Loki's will, or to really harm him, then you don't know me at all.”

That gave Thor some pause. His eyes narrowed.

”You're trying to tell me he _wants_ you to...? Why would...?” He trailed off and just shook his head. ”I mean, I knew he was... odd. But really?”

”And I want to do it, too. So, well, we're equally odd, I guess. And sort of a perfect match.” Tony tried a smile, and got a blank stare. It was better than murderous rage, though. 

Thor blinked. ”I guess I... don't know you. At least not as well as I thought.”

”No, I guess not.” Tony shrugged. ”But like I said, it's really not your business anyway.”

”Maybe not.” The blue eyes drifted off into nothing again.

”Are we going to have a problem with this? Because that would suck.”

A moment there was nothing, then Thor sighed, heavily, and turned back. ”I'm not promising anything. Right now. But I hope not.”

Tony thought it over. ”I'll take it.” Then he gave a shudder. ”Want to get back inside? Freezing my ass off here.”

* * *

Loki sagged a bit in his seat when he saw the door open and Tony walk back in, followed by Thor. Even through his relief he noticed that there was still some tension in the air between the two of them. Apparently they hadn't been able to work it out completely. But at least Thor didn't seem like he was in a fighting mood anymore.

When Tony sat down in the booth beside him again, Loki moved closer, slid his arm around Tony's waist, pressed himself closer still, and placed a kiss on his temple, smelled smoke on his hair and didn't give a shit. It was more of a demonstrative, public display of affection than he usually engaged in, and it wasn't all relief that had made him do it.

Nat had hinted that it might show Thor the truth of what they were both reasonably sure Tony had said outside.

But when Tony turned his head, flashing a wide, grateful smile before kissing him right back, maybe he forgot about the planned part of it and just fell into the moment.

Anyway, it seemed to work. 

Thor eyed them a bit suspiciously after that as well, but it wasn't long before most of the tension was out of the air over the booth, and things were pretty much back to normal. Or as normal as they ever were when Natasha was there, as Loki would soon learn.

They had all started on the next round when Nat suddenly turned to Loki and innocently, conversationally, started talking.

”You know? I once dated this guy who really, _really_ wanted me to hit him right in the junk.”

Thor almost choked on his beer.

Tony gave a snorting laugh in his own glass.

Loki found himself just smiling at her, all curious interest. ”Did you?”

That made Natasha laugh as well. It was surprisingly warm and genuine. ”No, I think I actually liked him too much.”

Loki sipped his glass, raising an eyebrow. ”Or, you didn't like him enough.”

She smiled. ”You're right. I guess that's more true.”

He could feel Thor's eyes on him, and turned to face his brother. Golden face lined with seriousness, but there was something in the blue eyes that told him Thor might be on his way to understanding. Loki gave him a smile, before glancing at Tony.

”I like her.” He said, moving his head sideways to indicate Nat.

”I noticed.” Tony grinned, before looking over at the redhead. ”You think you can come join us more often? You know, to make Loki happy?”

Nat gave her tiny curl of a smile. ”Sure.”


	14. Gorgeous

”You said I should come to you if I was worried about you.” Thor turned his cup of coffee on the low table between them. ”So, here I am. Coming to you.”

Loki glanced around the mostly empty coffee shop with a sigh, before leaning back in his armchair, resigning.

”Well, you really don't have to worry. I'm fine.”

”Your arm didn't look fine.”

Biting his tongue to keep annoyed words back, Loki watched the steam rise from his own cup of tea.

”You know what? I've seen you come out of a game looking a lot worse. More than once, too.” He raised his eyes to Thor's face then, to find his brother staring at him. ”I never questioned if you knew what you were doing, or told you that you should stop.”

”I wasn't in it for the bruises, though.”

”Me neither, actually. But does it matter? I don't get why you play your games. You don't get mine. Doesn't mean we have to make a big deal out of it.”

”I just need to know -”

”You don't need to know shit, Thor.” The words were blunt, but Loki said them softly. ”You just need to trust that I know what I'm doing, and that Tony would never hurt me. In a bad way. Really, I don't want to talk to you about it even that much, and I don't truly care if you think I'm a victim in all this. To be honest, I think that's how you have always seen me, in some way.” He held on to Thor's eyes as they widened, making his voice harder as he went on. ”But if you think any less of Tony and let him know it, if you make him miserable for never doing anything wrong, I swear, I'll never forgive you.”

He could see Thor swallow.

”I haven't seen you as a victim, Loki.” He slowly shook his head. ”I've only ever wanted to protect you.”

”In the end it all boils down to pretty much the same thing, doesn't it?” Loki felt how tight his smile was. ”It always makes me the helpless one. And, sure, there have been times when that was true, when I needed you to protect me, and I'm grateful that you did. Now? Now I'm not. And I don't need you to protect me from the man who made me less helpless.”

They sat silent for a while. Loki sipped his tea, but Thor just watched his coffee grow colder.

”You're right. I don't get it.” Thor lifted heavy shoulders in a shrug. ”But I haven't just seen bruises, on the other hand. You're happy. I can see that, too.”

”Happiest I've ever been.”

”Then that's all I need to know. Really.”

Loki's smile felt softer now. ”We can agree on that, at least.”

* * *

They were on Tony's bed, in the usual configuration for an afternoon of studying; Tony leaning against pillows and headboard with his laptop, Loki by his side, on his stomach propped up on his elbows over a book. It was actually the social psychology book he had been reading the day Tony had accidentally woken up on his couch. Tony still smiled when he saw it.

After a while, something in the air made Tony take his eyes off the screen, to study Loki out of the corner of his eye. Some tension was in the room, and he noticed that Loki wasn't the usual image of perfect relaxation he always was with pages of writing in front of him. He was biting his lip, and even though his fingers sometimes moved restlessly over the book, it had been about nine minutes since he had last turned a page.

Loki definitely didn't read that slow.

Silently, Tony closed the computer, put it aside, and reached out to catch the closest corner of the book, pulling it away, to close it and put it on top of the laptop. Making Loki blink and stare at him.

"What are you doing?"

"You haven't read a word in at least ten minutes, so I might ask you the same."

Loki lifted his hands from the bed and hid his face in them, a heavy sigh moving his shoulders. "I saw Thor today."

"Oh. Right." Tony cleared his throat. "It didn't go that great, I take it?"

There came a little exasperated noise from between Loki's fingers. "He'll probably never understand."

"It's possible", Tony said gently. "But honestly, can you blame him?"

Loki's head snapped up, mouth open.

"I mean, would you have understood, if you were in his shoes? Back before you knew any of the things you know now?"

The green eyes moved sideways. "No. I don't think I would have. Maybe I would just have accepted it, on the other hand."

"Sounds more likely. Maybe Thor will too."

"Maybe." The level of doubt in Loki's voice was off the charts.

Tony turned and moved down on the bed to lie beside Loki, an arm over his tense back. "There's nothing more you can do about it. As long as you live your life, and like it, he'll see the truth of it in the end. I'm sure of that."

Loki leaned into his half embrace. "Really sure?"

"Really sure. He'll get over being just protective, and start thinking, and he'll see. Just give him some time."

Another sigh, this one more relieved. "Thank you, for saying that."

"Of course, gorgeous. It's the truth."

A soft snort. "And that isn't. I wish you would stop calling me that."

Tony's mind was a blank for a moment. He suddenly had no idea what he had said when he thought back. "What?"

"Gorgeous." The way Loki said it made it sound like a dirty word. In the bad way.

"Actually, I'd say it's one of the truest things I've ever called anyone." Tony moved his hand up over Loki's back, to caress the nape of his neck under the long hair. "Would you prefer 'beautiful'? 'Stunning'? I could go with 'handsome', but it's not really enough in my opinion."

Loki rolled his eyes and turned his head away and down, hiding, but not before Tony had time to make out a blush. It didn't seem like soft, pink embarrassment, though. The flare of blood under his skin was sharp, red, and angry.

”I know it's a joke. But it's been a few months and it's getting old. I'd prefer it if you moved on to the next bit.” The voice was coloured by the anger as well.

Tony blinked at the back of his head.

”Now hold on just a minute!” He moved his hand around to Loki's far cheek, so he could turn his face back around. There was some resistance, Loki's cheeks were still red, and the green eyes refused to meet his. ”You think 'gorgeous' is a _joke_?”

It was actually a shock to Tony to realize this. Maybe it shouldn't have been, but it still was. Of course he had known all along that Loki didn't share his opinion, but he had assumed that he at least took Tony's opinion seriously. Obviously, that assumption had been a mistake.

Something in his tone seemed to get past Loki's anger, and he at last met Tony's eyes. Perhaps just to find out if this was another joke on his expense, but at least he was looking at Tony now.

”What else would it be?” There was still a bit of gravel in his voice, but he didn't sound quite as sure.

”I just told you, didn't I? It's the truth.”

”Tony, really? We both know it's not. You don't have to pretend.”

”All right, that does it.” Tony sat up with a quick movement, sliding off the bed and then reaching down to grab Loki's arm, pulling at it. ”Get up.”

Loki hesitated a moment, then sighed and let Tony get him to his feet, and then lead him into the bathroom.

Tony turned on the lights, caught Loki's hips in his hands, and moved him into place in front of the counter with the sink, and in front of the large mirror above it. Still behind Loki, he then placed his hands firmly on the edge of the counter, on either side of him, holding him in place, watching their reflection over Loki's shoulder. He was the only one who did, though. Loki's head was tilted to the side, eyes on the shower beside them.

”Look at yourself.” It was clearly an order.

The tone made Loki twist between his arms, and for a brief moment his eyes went to the mirror, but they just as quickly shifted away. Another blush. His eyes might even be closed, or he was just staring down, it was hard to tell with his head leaning forward. The only things Tony could see were lids, and long eyelashes against his now pink cheeks.

So, this was apparently a lot harder for Loki than Tony had expected.

He took one hand off the counter and gently slid it up Loki's arm, shoulder, until he could place his fingertips under his jaw, with just a slight preassure urging it up.

”Please, Loki.” He took the commanding tone out of his voice. It wasn't the way to go, he could tell. It would just make Loki shut down this time, and that was the exact opposite of what Tony wanted.

”I can't.” He let Tony's fingers lift his head, but now his eyes definitely were closed.

”At least try. Please? Just a few seconds.” Tony kept Loki's head in place, feeling him clench his jaw, while he leaned his own forward, placing light lips against Loki's shoulder, still looking over it. ”Try.”

* * *

Did Tony have any idea what he was asking? Loki sincerely hoped he didn't, because then it would just be cruel of him to ask it of him. 

He closed his eyes a bit tighter, tense under the touches. 

He hated mirrors. They were probably the biggest reason he just let his hair grow. It meant he never had to be in front of one to style it. And, even more importantly, he never had to sit down in front of a mirror at a salon, in public. To face himself where others would see him do it.

Loki averted his eyes from windows when he was out walking the streets. He always sat down with his back to them in bars and coffee shops, and to paintings behind glass as well, if it was possible. Anything to avoid his reflection, even when it was sheer and seethrough.

As long as Loki could remember his face had been another of the things that made him not fit in. And when he at seventeen had discovered the truth behind this perception, it had only made things worse. The pale skin and black hair became symbols of everything he was not and never could be, in a personal universe where golden skin and blond hair had been the obvious ideal. Where strong features full of power was the right way to look, and he had none of that.

Anywhere on him.

Too slim. Too soft. All long, lanky limbs and weakness.

What about any of that was appealing?

_Gorgeous?_

Please... It was all wrong.

But even so, a part of Loki was used to doing what Tony asked of him. It didn't feel right to refuse, especially when he said ”please”. It was usually Loki's place to beg.

With a long, shaky sigh he tried to square his shoulders, but didn't feel like it worked. Then he slowly opened his eyes, the lids feeling lead heavy, and faced himself.

He started from the black hairline over the high, white forehead. Down to just as black eyebrows, right now pulled together in a distressed knot above the long nose. A hint of green eyes, but he definitely could not meet those, so he took in cheekbones and the shadows under them instead. Thin lips, pressed together to become even thinner. Jawline.

Loki reached the pale pillar of his throat, moving with a strangled swallow, and shut his eyes agan.

He felt Tony's fingers move then, a thumb caressing his jaw, just by his ear.

”You see? Nothing to worry about.” Tony's words were warm through the fabric of Loki's t-shirt, where his mouth was on his shoulder.

Loki just shook his head, then realized it could be taken to mean he agreed.

”Right.” Acidic. He tilted his head further forward, as he felt a new blush, knew it wasn't enough to hide it. 

”Sounds like you need to try again, then.”

”Tony! No, I can't!” He wanted to turn away, but the arms around him wouldn't let him.

”You just did, though, didn't you?” One of the arms snuck around his waist, and the warmth of it, and Tony's chest behind him, was a comfort. Even when it was Tony who was putting him in this painful situation. Painful in a new way to what he usually did. New, and a lot worse.

Loki would have preferred the belt.

As if he had heard where Loki's thoughts had wandered off to, Tony continued on another note.

”You know what I remember? You, in front of that mirror in the bedroom, just glued to the damn thing, looking at your own ass.” The arm held him a bit tighter at the words. ”That wasn't so difficult, so why is this?”

Loki shook his head again. ”I wasn't looking at _me_ that time. I was looking at the marks you gave me.”

”Huh.” It was a thoughtful little sound. ”So, you need a distraction, then?”

”I don't... You... Maybe. I don't know.” Loki frowned even harder. ”What do you mean?”

”Not sure. Learning by doing, I guess.” While he spoke, Tony slid his hand down Loki's front, under the elastic of the sweatpants he was wearing.

The surprise was at least enough to make Loki's eyes fly open. But he still had his head down and to the side, staring at the counter. He couldn't say anything, just stand frozen while gentle fingers searched him out under the loose fabric. The fear and stress and inside hurt meant he was anything but hard, and he would have guessed it impossible to change that. But when he had, he had not taken into account the extent to which he was now conditioned to the feel of those fingers, firmly holding him against a warm palm. They made his body forget all about why he was stressed, afraid, hurting, made it only remember pleasure they had given it before.

Loki had to place his own hands on the counter, looking for support. Suddenly lightheaded and breathing hard.

When he was erect under Tony's hand, which took seconds, the fingers eased up and almost let him go. Loki groaned and twisted again, but not to get away this time.

”Eyes up, Loki.”

He groaned harder, clenching his teeth. Then he forced himself to raise his chin again, turn to the mirror. But his eyes didn't go to his own face; they found Tony's. Making Tony shake his head and give him a wry smile through the reflection.

”Nice try.” His fingers moved away even more. ”Not nice enough.”

The groan was more a growl now. Fear battling frustration, as Loki shifted his eyes over to himself. And instantly was rewarded by the warm hand.

His face looked different now. The knot over his nose was gone, the brows painting arches over his wider eyes. Lips looking fuller, when they were just slightly parted, no longer pressed together in a bitter line. When he raised his chin higher, the shadows under his cheekbones lightened.

Loki managed to keep his eyes on the mirror longer this time, but he soon ran out of courage again, turning away. He knew it would rob him of the stroking, teasing fingers, but he still couldn't keep looking.

This time, the hand left him all together at once, and then both Tony's hands were at his hips, gripping the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it up. Loki wanted to fight that, finding he could not. Already well and truly distracted. So he just raised his arms, grabbing the back of the garment, pulling it over his head when Tony had it all the way up, dropping it on the floor.

”The hair won't do.”

Loki glanced up to see his own face almost covered in the long tresses, that had fallen over it when he undressed. Through the black waves he also caught a glimpse of his own chest, and swallowed. Then he combed the hair back with one hand, before placing both on the edge of the counter again, and keeping his eyes on his fingers.

Still, when he felt Tony's hands move up over the sides of his waist, he just had to watch. So he raised his eyes, to see the darker hands meet over his abdomen, all white planes, tracing a line up to the dip under his sternum. Ribs were still just visible at the sides of his chest, and he hated that. The dark fingers didn't; they touched the faint ridges just as lovingly as everything else. Before reaching his pectorals, brushing over his nipples, just a few shades darker than the rest of him.

When one hand just pressed flat over his heart, feeling the painful beating, Loki met Tony's eyes in the mirror again.

”Just one more time”, Tony promised, his hand going back down inside Loki's pants. ”Just look one more time.”

The hesitation was not as great this time. It was the last, he could do it. Had to do it. The hand on him told him so.

Something in the sight of the darker forearm crossing the lower part of his body, dissappearing below the mirror, made it hard to breathe. He still made himself continue back up his own torso again, even though it was harder when it was bare, no hands to pull his gaze, and as a reward the hand increased it's pace. Loki felt hot lips brush his shoulder, no cloth between them now.

As he raised his eyes again, tracing his own tense throat, he had to lift an arm, catching hold of the back of Tony's neck for support.

”A little higher”, the lips whispered on his skin, as Loki started feeling his breath catch, toes curling against the tiles.

So he lifted his eyes. Just a little higher. Just in time to see his own face go breathlessly slack, a glint of sparkling green before his eyelids fell down of their own will.

His hand on Tony's neck, the arm coming up to support his other side, held him up when his legs didn't really manage anymore.

* * *

Smiling at the wilting Loki through the mirror, Tony pulled his hand out to better hold him upright. 

When Loki made the effort to straighten and turn this time, Tony let him. He had promised after all. So he just slid his arms around his back, and smiled directly at him instead. For a moment Loki's face was just blank, but then a smile came in answer. Slowly. Then Tony stretched his neck to kiss him, and got a just as slow, and soft, but heartfelt response.

”Well done”, Tony murmured against his lips, before angling his head back to look into the half closed, green eyes. ”Gorgeous.”


	15. Snow

”Are you going home to visit your parents over Christmas?” Loki was playing with Tony's hair, sitting on the couch with Tony's head in his lap.

Tony thought his answer over, fast. To tell or not to tell? Not, he decided. Not now, he then amended. He would, but this wasn't the time. ”No”, he just said. ”Why?”

”Well, I am. Or, you know. We are. Me and Thor.” One shoulder pulled up in a shrug, the corner of his mouth following the same movement. ”So, I was wondering... If you were not going home to yours, if you would join us? Maybe?”

This answer he took a bit more time on, feeling Loki's fingertips come to a halt against his scalp as he waited. Tony knew he was making Loki nervous, but he really wasn't sure what to say. He had never been a huge fan of Christmas. It wasn't his thing. On the other hand, though, Loki was his thing. Could he really stand being apart from him for, what? A week? More, possibly?

Not bloody likely.

Tony angled his head back over Loki's thigh to smile up at him. ”All right. I will.” He could feel the relief relax the muscle under his neck. ”When are we leaving?”

”Day after tomorrow. We have to be up there by sunday. That's when we celebrate Christmas in our family.”

”What? On Christmas Eve?” Tony frowned.

”Yes. Scandinavian thing.”

”You people are odd.”

”And that's why you like me.”

”Nope. I don't like you.”

A black eyebrow arching.

”Love you.” Tony reached up to catch his hair, pulling him down in a smiling kiss, which probably nearly broke Loki's back.

* * *

They left so early in the morning it was still pitch black outside. Thor could barely keep his eyes open at that time of day, so Tony took the wheel for the first part of the trip while Thor rested in the back seat, Loki curled up with his feet on the dashboard as usual, nodding off as well.

After stopping for something that might have been brunch, even the coffee didn't help Tony stay alert, and when then were back on the road, Thor was driving. 

Loki, full and still sleepy, didn't protest it when Tony pulled him into the back seat when they got in the car. Uncomfortably curled up side by side, under a itchy blanket that smelled of car and oil, the murmur of the engine was still almost lulling Loki back to sleep when he felt Tony's hand slip around his hip, down between his legs. He couldn't stop himself giving a soft moan, which he hoped would be swallowed up by the sound of the car. It at least swallowed the sound of Tony's little laugh behind him; he just felt the short puffs of air coming out of his nose, to fan over the back of Loki's neck.

But then Tony didn't do anything but hold his hand there. It still made Loki's cock stir and come at least half to life, but he was just as happy to have it stay at that. His brother was in the front seat, and he didn't feel like spending the hours left on the road with cum drying in his underwear.

He must have fallen asleep like that in the end, anyway.

”Loki?” The soft rumble ot Thor's voice woke him up again.

”Mmm?”

”Look out the window.”

Rubbing a hand over his gritty eyes, Loki raised his head to look through the window above his feet. First he just blinked at the gray light outside. Then he noticed something moving against the darker patches of sky; tiny, white dots drifting on the breeze. His heart made a leap.

”Is that...?”

”Snow? Sure is.”

In a quick movement, suddenly wide awake, Loki sat up on the seat, moving over to press hands and forehead against the cold glass, staring out. As he watched, the flakes grew larger, came faster and closer together, and he couldn't hold back a delighted laugh.

”Knew you'd like it.”

Loki turned to briefly meet Thor's bright eyes and wide, happy smile, giving one back in return. He loved snow, and Thor knew it. Remembered. In that moment, it felt like they had moved back in time, once more just boys, brothers. Before any kind of unwanted truth, tension or distance had come between them. Then Thor had to turn his head back to watch the road, but the warm feeling in Loki's heart was still there when he turned his own head to look at the dancing flakes again.

Tony stirred beside him, sitting up as well, but Loki couldn't take his eyes off the falling snow.

”Where'd you go?” Tony's hand moved over his back, but Loki just mumbled something, distracted.

A laugh from the front seat. ”You won't be getting anything useful out of him until he's had his fill of the snow, Tony. Which might take a while.”

”Huh.” Tony squirmed a bit on the seat. ”If I tell you we need to stop because I have to take a piss, is that a problem? Will we ever get him back in the car if we let him out?”

Another laugh. ”Most likely not. But we're not far now. You think you can hold it in another fifteen minutes?”

Tony groaned. ”Maybe.”

Loki barely heard them. He saw the flakes, still growing larger, brush by the window. Patches of white gathering on the gray fields alongside the road. The snow would stick and stay, he knew it would, he could feel it.

Suddenly, going home for Christmas felt like the best decision ever made.

* * *

The snow kept falling all afternoon, and into the night.

Just like Thor had said, it was useless trying to have a conversation with Loki as it did. He kept staring out the windows, not even answering his mother's questions sometimes, which just made her smile, indulgently. Sort of a relief, because Loki's far off, distracted behaviour would almost be worrying to Tony if his family didn't seem so calm about it. Even though there were no hints of misery about Loki now, quite the opposite. He was radiating joy. Once Loki even walked over to open a window to stick his head out, smelling the cold air, a wide grin on his face.

But that was where Frigga drew the line. ”No, dear, no open windows. You will kill my orchids.”

Tony could hear the deep sigh, but Loki did as he was told.

That night, up in his own room, Loki did crack the window open, though. And he didn't pull the curtains, letting the faint light reflecting off the white outside shine in, before coming to hide under the duvet and blankets on the bed, in Tony's arms. He still couldn't take his eyes off the outside.

With a chuckle, Tony pulled the duvet higher around his shoulder, up to his ear, and drew Loki closer for warmth. ”I'm going to get crazy jealous of the weather soon, just so you know.”

Loki's hands came up to hold on to his arm. ”Sorry. I just love snow.”

”Never would have guessed.” Tony kissed his neck. ”More than me?”

That made Loki laugh. ”Not more than you. But I don't get to see it as often.”

”Guess that's true. Oh, well, I can share. For now.” And with that, he left Loki to it, drifting off to sleep.

Tony was pretty sure Loki stayed awake most of the night, staring at the snow, but the next morning he was out of bed quickly, excited like a kid on... well, Christmas. The sky outside was still overcast, but the snow had stopped falling. Seeing this, Loki came back to pull at Tony's arm, trying to drag him out from the covers. 

”Get up! We have to get out!” He was pulling his pants on before Tony's feet had come down to touch the floor.

Once more, though, Frigga came between Loki and his snow. She pretty much had to manhandle him into a chair, placing a bowl of rice porrige in front of him, sprinkled with cinnamon, but she got him to promise he would eat before going out.

Tony got a bowl too, and Thor, who joined them soon after.

When breakfast was over, there was no stopping Loki anymore. So all three of them dressed, and went outside in the world that was now blanketed in soft white. Above them the clouds were thinning out, hinting at a clear, cold day coming up, but it was still just above freezing, warm enough that the thick snow creaked under their feet, compacting down as they stepped on it.

The perfect kind of snowball weather.

First, they built a snowman. Something Tony hadn't done in ages. They kind of overdid it, since the lawn was so huge and they could make it as big as they wanted. Almost. By the end, even Thor had to struggle to get the last large ball in place at the top, and he had to give Loki a boost so he could decorate the round face with stones and twigs they had dug out of the snow.

When they were done, the sun was shining. Tony was sweating under the warm clothes, tired and ready to go back inside. At least until he turned and saw Loki's face.

It was split in the widest, most delighted smile Tony had ever seen on it. Maybe on anyone. Eyes shining bright. There were two red spots on his cheeks from the cold, but the rest of his face reflected the cold sunlight shining off the snow, making it almost a milky blue.

He had never been more beautiful.

Turned out it wasn't the innocent kind of beauty, though.

Tony barely had time to turn away before knees came in behind the back of his, toppling him face first into the snow, which tankfully still was thick and untouched in this spot. He got his head up out of the cold, just in time to feel a hand at his collar, and snow being shoved in under it. It was so cold it burned. With a shout, flailing for solid ground to help him up, Tony tried to turn for revenge. But when he managed, Loki had already moved away, grinning at him.

Swearing, Tony tried to get as much of the snow out as possible. ”Fuck, Loki! That's horrible!”

Thor, off to the side, was laughing so hard he was bent over, hands on his knees. But looking down was a mistake.

Tony just had time to catch the movement out of the corner of his eye as Loki leaned down, caught a handful of snow, pressing it together and with a quick swing threw it at his brother. He was far more accurate than Tony could ever have guessed, and the snowball hit Thor right in his forehead, making him topple backwards. But not stop laughing.

It was full on war after that; Thor and Tony ganging up on Loki, and Loki still winning. He was lighter and faster and never seemed to slip or stumble, like they did, and his aim was scary good. In the end, they had to split up and come at him from separate angles, catching him against the monstrous snowman, before Thor could grapple him, hitting the last fistful of snow from his hand. Loki was still laughing as Tony rubbed snow into his hair, and then pushed him down on the ground as Thor let go and backed away, letting Tony get his revenge.

Loki was hardly putting up any resistance as Tony pulled at the zipper of his jacket, shoving a handfull of snow down his front. Just more laughing, green eyes glinting against white, before Loki caught his hair and pulled him into a kiss that was shockingly hot againt the cold air.

”You really do have a thing for snow.” Tony caught a glimpse of Thor walking away, to go back inside, leaving them alone, and bent to kiss Loki with some more force than before. ”How is that?”

Hair spread out around his head, sharp black against the white, snowflakes like stars in it, Loki smiled up at him. ”I don't really know, but I always have.” His cold fingers came down to Tony's neck, giving chills, but more pleasant ones than the snow before. ”The white, the cold... It just feels... right. I love it.”

”And I love seeing you this happy.” 

The next kiss was almost searing hot, the contrast of the icy fingertips digging into the nape of his neck making it even better somehow. Loki was arching up into him now, obviously completely unbothered by pressing his ass and the back of his head into the snow under them, trailing the tip of a light tongue along the curve of Tony's bottom lip. He seemed a lot freer here, more uninhibited than Tony had seen him before.

Blinking up at him under heavy lids, Loki at last drew back, catching his breath. ”I wish you could fuck me right here, in the snow.” His velvety voice was low and intense.

Tony's breath caught in his throat. 

”Yeah? Well, now I almost wish I could too.” He leaned in to kiss Loki's throat, making him gasp with the combination of hot lips and ice cold tip of the nose. ”But honestly? I think my knees are almost frozen to the ground. Okay with you if we go in again? For a while?”

Loki gave a sigh, but nodded against him. ”For a while.”

* * *

When the darkness fell, far too early in the midwinter afternoon for Loki's liking, they forced him to come inside and stay there. By then, he had nearly had his fill of the snow anyway, at least for the day, and let them.

Really, helping his brother decorate the tree, and then spending the night curled up on the couch with Tony made it almost worth giving up staying outside while the frost came. They ate chocolate and nuts and dried fruits until they were full to bursting. Loki endured the torment of Frigga showing Tony old photo albums from when they were kids, mostly because most of the pictures were of Thor; he had always hidden away from the camera whenever he could. 

They laughed at old memories, watched old movies, did old things, and Loki was so at peace he didn't even feel awkward about kissing a drop of mulled whine from Tony's lip, right in front of everyone. Even his father.

None of them exchanged any gifts. They had decided to stop doing so years ago. Both Loki and Thor owned everything they needed already, and if they ever happened to be short on money, they just had to ask for help. Even though they had never had to do so, yet.

Tony had gone along with this willingly, which had been a relief. Part of Loki wanted to give Tony something anyway, but he had no idea what that would be. And he was sure Tony would have come up with something better for him, no matter what he would have thought of himself.

Everyone stayed up late, filled with sugar and alcohol, and even after Frigga and Odin retired some time after midnight, Loki, Tony and Thor stayed behind for another hour. 

The atmosphere between the three of them was a lot more relaxed now than it had been a few weeks ago, when Thor had still been worried and kind of _hovered_ every time they had been in the same place. Like part of him wanted to put his arms around Loki all the time, sweep him up and carry him away somewhere safe. It had made Loki sad more than anything else, mostly because he could see the way it hurt Tony. He tried to hide it, but Loki could tell anyway.

In the end, Tony himself had been right, however. 

Given time, Thor had gotten over the protective instinct, and seen what was there. Seen that there was never anything to even hint at fear or discomfort in the way Loki interacted with Tony, that there was no reason to want to keep him safe, because he was already. Safe, and right where he wanted to be.

When they finally went to their rooms, Tony sent Loki ahead, dissappearing to the kitchen. Probably for a drink of water.

Loki was still stuck in front of the window by the time he came to the room anyway, watching the frozen glint of starlight on the snow. He didn't turn when he heard the door close and lock.

”Not sick of it yet?” He heard the smile in Tony's voice, but he didn't sound like he was mocking Loki's fascination.

”Never.”

”That's perfect. Because I have a surprise gift for you.”

”Oh?” Still not looking away, when he heard Tony move around to the other side of the bed, move things around on the nightstand, and then come over to stand behind him. Arms snaking around Loki's chest, chin on his shoulder to see what he was seeing. ”We weren't supposed to give any gifts, remember?”

”I wouldn't worry. You won't be able to keep this one anyway.”

That got Loki curious enough to turn, frowning at him. ”What do you mean?”

”You'll see.” Tony looked very, very pleased with himself. ”Just keep the window closed a while longer.” He started unbuttoning Loki's shirt. ”I don't want to freeze anything off that I'll miss later.”

When he had them both undressed, he seemed to think of something, hurrying into the bathroom to return with some thick towels, which he spread out in double layers on the duvet. Only then did he gesture for Loki to lie down, walking to the other side again before he got on the bed as well. That was when Loki noticed the big, ceramic bowl Tony had brought from the kitchen, which was now on the nightstand. He was more curious and confused than ever.

He knew there was no use asking, however. Tony wouldn't answer anything he didn't think Loki needed to know, and he would soon find everything out anyway. He could wait.

On his stomach, he watched the bowl, saw Tony put his hand into it, pick something up that Loki couldn't see.

”Close your eyes.”

Unhesitatingly, Loki did. He felt Tony turn, move, the arm coming out over his back, and then his hand was suddenly on Loki's skin. But it was not just Tony's hand, not just warm palm. Gasping, Loki couldn't stop his eyes flying open when he felt the ice move over his lower back, stinging cold and burning all wrapped up in the same sensation. But Tony didn't say anything about it, the surprise was over now.

The ice cube traveled in lazy patterns over his skin, making Loki shiver and moan, trying to subdue the sounds by pushing his face into the pillow. He could feel water run down the sides of his back as the ice melted against him, tickling, warming as it reached the towel under him. Then it was all gone, and Tony's palm was rubbing over him instead, feeling insanely hot against his skin by comparison.

Loki turned his head, angling his face away from the pillow to look up at Tony's wide smile. ”Just when I think I couldn't possibly love you more...”

The smile turned to a grin. ”Not done yet.” Tony reached for the bowl again, digging around, and when his hand came out this time Loki could see what was in it.

Snow.

Just the sight of it made Loki whimper, his heart fluttering in his chest.

Then Tony let it sprinkle down over his back, and it was even better than he had imagined. Even though the snow was on the verge of melting together, not falling in flakes but rather in small clumps, it was still perfect and more.

His hand still cold, covered in crystals turning to droplets, Tony caressed his cheek with the back of his fingers. ”Merry Christmas.”

Loki wasn't even able to form words. He just turned to kiss the wet fingers, smelling cold, reaching his tongue out to taste it. The heat of his mouth on the icy skin made Tony pull a sharp breath.

Tony used up the rest of the snow first, since that would melt the quickest if he didn't, dropping it and rubbing it all over Loki's back and legs, before turning him over, and repeating the same process on his front. And then he started on the ice again, running the cubes over ribs, nipples, tracing abdominals, hip bones, clavicles, throat, lips, thighs... At last making him turn once more, to go over his now warm back again.

The last cube traced it's way cross his ass, to dip down between the cheeks, making him twist and gasp again. Suddenly, the ice was all gone, and it was just wet, very cold fingers on him, one pressing into him, still icy. 

Loki had to fill his mouth with the pillow to not wake the whole house up, shouting out.

When the heat that was Tony's skin and arousal came over him, it was so intense he thought it would blister him.

All the way inside, resting hot and heavy on him, Tony rubbed his face against the side of Loki's. ”I couldn't fuck you in the snow, so I did the next best thing.” He kissed Loki's ear. 

”This is... Plenty! Oh, my god, Tony, please!” He had to fight to keep the level of his voice under control.

The please made Tony slow down. ”'Please', what?”

”Harder!”

A laugh in his ear then, before he felt Tony grip his hipbone, tipping them both half on their side, legs all a tangle. Then he did as Loki wished, while a hand reached in front of him, finding, stroking. The fingers were still cooler than usual, from the snow and ice, and the sensation almost made Loki lose it at once.

* * *

Tony had seen Loki in the snow that day, but he still would never have guessed at a reaction this strong. It went above and beyond any expectation. And still, Tony wanted to give Loki more. The ice had just melted all too fast.

He slowed down again when Loki seemed on the verge, took his hand back, and made him give a whine. One that become louder, almost pained, as Tony then pulled all the way out of him.

”No!”

”You just wait before telling me what not to do.”

Slipping out of bed, walking over to the window, and then opening it, he hoped he would find what he was looking for. He didn't even know what it looked like just outside, had never looked before. Shivering in the breeze, he found that he without too much trouble could reach out to catch a few handfuls of snow from the window-ledge. Grinning, he pulled the window shut, but didn't bother closing it, and quickly returned to bed.

The now really cold hand he used to push Loki back into the position he had left him pulled out another whine, but this one wasn't the complaining kind.

”I take the 'no' back.” Loki managed in a breathless, smiling whisper over his shoulder.

”Told you.”

Tony divided the fistful of melting snow between his hands, just holding on for it for a few seconds, letting it chill him, and letting it melt some more. Didn't want dry, sharp crystals of ice for this.

When it felt enough, he slid one hand back into the cleft of Loki's ass, pressing the snow against him, _into_ his already fucked open body. Heard Loki smother a yell into the pillow, and quickly reached to close his other hand around his cock again, by now leaking against the towels. The new shock made Loki jerk back, right onto the head of Tony's cock, positioned for the purpose. Feeling the cold on him made Tony hiss, but he didn't pull back, just put the now empty but still cold hand on Loki's lower back, holding him in place as he pushed back in, into snow and heat.

That was when it all got too much to handle for Loki. After a sharp breath he came, in a soundless spasm, head back and mouth open, all control beyond him.

A sight like that in front of him was too much for Tony as well, as it turned out. He bit back a shout as he buried his fingers in the flesh of Loki's waist and thigh. The skin had been cold enough before to burn now, pressed into heat.

* * *

The next day dawned bright, crisp and icy cold. When Loki and Tony walked along the road from the house, lined with bare oaks, black against the white, the snow crunched under their feet. Puffs of breath the only clouds in sight.

”So, you and snow?”

Loki smiled, felt cold wind on his teeth. He had expected there to come more questions on the subject now.

”I told you yesterday, Tony.” He shook his head. ”I really don't know. Sure, I've always loved it. But last night? That was... all new.”

”Worked wonders, though.”

”It did.”

”Well. Guess we don't need to know the reason for it, anyway.” Tony grinned at him, eyes just slits against the low, sharp winter sun. ”I'm just sure of one thing now.”

”What's that?”

”Cold is the new hot.”


	16. New

The year was still brand, sparkling new when they arrived back at Tony's apartment after a night of throwing out the old, and bringing in the new. It had been completely impossible to find a cab, so they had just walked home from the bar, and the crisp winter air had done well clearing their heads. Even so, they were still not nearly sober when they came through the door.

Loki was, of course, worse off. To Tony's amusement. Loki was so unfamiliar with alcohol it never took much to even get him tipsy, and he was generally careful to stay in control, so Tony had only seen him noticeably drunk once before. That time they had been caught in the rain on the way home.

Today, Loki had been even more drunk than that time. But it gave Tony the chance to realize that Loki was likely the most adorable kind of drunk he had ever encountered in his entire life.

Sure, yes, Loki stumbled and fumbled quite a bit, but he didn't turn angry, mean, tiresome or any other thing he might have. No, he just went sort of... wide-eyed. Like a child, curious and fascinated by everything and anything. Easily captured and easily amused. And he was less afraid to talk. Not that he said many well thought out things. He mostly commented on the things that had captured him for the moment.

Like the shape of Tony's goatee. The way champagne felt on his tongue. Fireworks. The pattern of a dress. Lamplight on spilled wine.

Pretty much anything.

Tony didn't mind at all. He could listen to that velvety voice all day, whether it spoke nonsense or wisdom.

Inside the door, Loki had to sit down on the floor to untie his boots, and then couldn't get back on his feet. When he gave up and just crawled on hands and knees to the bathroom, hitting his shoulder on the doorframe, Tony could only laugh.

He went into the kitchen, pouring them each a large glass of water, and then sat down on the couch. While waiting for Loki to come join him, he tipped over, head on the armrest, one leg on the seat and one foot still on the floor. Tony watched the ceiling dance a strange little dance over him, when Loki came into the room. 

Usually so graceful, Loki seemed to have at least three knees and four elbows, on each limb, as he tried to get into the couch, on top of Tony. He nearly knocked the air out of Tony in the process, a couple of times, but then he was resting on his stomach between Tony's spread legs, his own legs sticking out over the other armrest, his head on Tony's chest. 

A sigh of contentment. ”I had fun.”

”Yeah, me too.” Tony put an arm around Loki's shoulders, just holding on. ”Great start to the new year, really. Not that I was that happy to see the old one go, but still.”

”It was a _good_ year. At least the second half.”

”Sure was.”

Rubbing his palm in slow circles over Loki's shoulderblades, Tony let his mind wander, coming down from the high of an amazing night, sobering up, returning to reality. Which was still pretty damn amazing, to be honest.

”Loki?”

”Mmm?” He sounded half asleep.

”You usually do new year's resolutions?”

The black head moved against Tony's chest, in what might have been a headshake. ”No. Never had anything I wanted to promise to do.”

”Me neither.” Tony moved his fingers up into the tangled hair, making Loki rub his cheek against him, like an affectionate cat. ”Was thinking it might be different this time, though.”

”Different how?”

”I kind of want this year to be as good as the last ended. That's sort of new.”

”Same. Both.”

”So, how do we keep it that way?”

Loki was silent for a while, but Tony could almost feel and hear him thinking, before he spoke up again. ”Well, for me? I think I want to promise to keep up the new. Doing new things. I feel all done with the old.”

New things. Tony thought it over. He didn't have many new things left, really. Although being with Loki made many things _feel_ new.

So, what did he want to promise? He felt blank for a moment, then words tumbled out of his mouth he hadn't even felt coming.

”I want to be done with the old, too.”

Stillness. Then Loki raised his head to frown at him. ”What old?”

”Yeah, well, I've... It's not really something for tonight.” Gently brushing strands of hair off Loki's forehead, Tony gave him a crooked smile. 

The green eyes, just slightly bloodshot now, searched his. And then Loki nodded slowly. ”All right. Not tonight. But another day?”

”Another day.”

Then Tony decided it was safest to shut Loki up, and distract him, by pulling him closer in a kiss. It tasted of alcohol, but he knew he did too. And smoke. And Loki never complained, even though Tony knew he didn't even really approve of the smoking.

Maybe he should stop? Altogether? Wasn't that a tough enough resolution?

Then he forgot about promises, and ran his teeth over the tip of Loki's tongue instead.

They were both too drunk to really have any serious intentions of taking things further at the moment, but it was nice as it was. Loki heavy over him, hipbones digging into the insides of his thighs, hot, fumbling fingers at his neck as they exchanged wet, biting kisses.

It did, however, suddenly get Tony thinking about Loki's resolution.

New things, huh?

Challenge accepted...

Smiling against Loki's lips, he lifted the leg that had been stretched out on the couch and hooked over Loki's thigh, pushing him closer. ”You know what this kind of feels like?”

”Making out?”

”Yes. And also like you're the one about to try getting into _my_ pants.”

”Well, that's not -” He cut off. Blinked. ”Oh. You mean...?”

”Yeah. I mean.” Tony grinned.

”But that could never happen anyway.” Loki gave a grin in answer. Then something in Tony's eyes made it falter again. ”What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

”Oh, you know. No reason. Just someone I know was talking about doing new things. As I remember it. Even made a promise, I think?”

More blinking. ”You... What?”

”Don't worry your pretty head with that right now, gorgeous.” Tony reached up and kissed his forehead. ”Now, you need to drink that water on the table, and go to sleep. And tomorrow, I think the only thing on your mind will be to keep food down.”

Loki didn't seem convinced. About any of it. But in the end he did as Tony suggested, drank both glasses of water, went to bed – and didn't leave it until late the next night. The only reason he didn't have a problem keeping food down, was that he never even tried eating.

He was not at all adorable when he was hung over.

* * *

”You thought about the new thing?”

Loki opened his eyes and looked up at Tony. He was on his back on the couch, legs folded up so he would fit with his head resting on Tony's lap.

”What new thing?” He frowned. Something he couldn't have done the day before. It would have hurt too much.

”Getting into my pants.” There was a sparkle in Tony's eye.

It still took a moment for the memory to return, and when it did, it felt like a shock all over again. The idea had never crossed his mind, even once, and it was such a blank area of his mind he didn't know where to start forming coherent thoughts. 

”You'd... want me to?” That thought was also strange and new to his mind. The last thing he would have expected.

”Sure.” Tony smiled at him, fingers combing through his hair. ”Thinking of things I would not want to do with you is pretty hard, to be honest.”

Loki shifted a bit further down Tony's thigh, angling his head to look straighter up at him. ”Why? I mean, why would you want me to... to fuck you?” The inevitable blush at the word.

”Should I be insulted that you make it sound like a horrible thing to have done to me?” The smile stayed in place, however, and Loki knew he hadn't been that badly misunderstood, really. 

”I guess I thought it was sort of a one way thing?”

”There are no rules. Just what we want to do.”

Loki searched his sharp face, trying to find signs that Tony was trying to mess with him, have a laugh at his expense. But he could find none. And if he had? Well, it would have been the first time, wouldn't it?

”I did make a promise.” His voice was catching, and the heat on his face had spread.

”You did.” Tony brushed the back of his fingers over a blushing cheek. ”Not that I'm going to hold that against you.”

Loki nodded against his thigh. ”I know.”

Tony pulled him up sitting then, kissing him up from the couch, into the bedroom, out of his clothes, and down on the bed. Kissing him spread out on it, until Loki almost forgot why they were there.

Then Tony reached into the nightstand for the lube, turning back to Loki with a grin, handing it to him, as Loki twisted over and up on his knees to face him. ”This will come in handy, you know.”

Loki accepted the offered item. Then he found himself frozen, unable to take his eyes off his own hands, resting on his thighs, one holding a plastic tube that suddenly looked like something alien between his shaking fingers. Just the sight of it made reality hit him, like a sledgehammer over the head. 

He was really doing this. Right? 

His mind turned on itself, and shut down.

”I can't.” He spoke the words to the tube.

”Loki, you - ”

His head whipped up, eyes going to Tony's as words almost stumbled out of his mouth. ”I can't do it, Tony. I know you want me to and I'm really sorry but I just... can't. What if I... ? No, I _would_ do it wrong, and I'd... _hurt_ you, and I couldn't... You'd hate me! How would I live with that? I really can't do it!”

The stress was making his voice scratch at his throat, shutting him up, he knew he was blushing again, and it was all so _unbearable_.

”All right”, Tony murmured as he shuffled a bit closer over the sheets, catching his face with gentle hands. ”First of all, don't hurt yourself now. Breathe, Loki. Please?”

He realized he was holding his breath, making himself lightheaded, and forced down a breath, and then let it out as slowly as he could. Felt soothing fingertips run over his temples and jaw. Then he did it again, and it worked a bit better this time, with less effort.

”That's it.” Tony leaned over to place a light, chaste kiss at the corner of his mouth, before giving him a very serious look. ”Now, I'm going to ask you a question. You'll answer me honestly, and then we go from there. Okay?”

Loki could only nod. At least that did sound like something he would manage. Maybe.

”Do you want to do this?” Still serious, but so soft.

”I have no idea how! I don't know -”

”No, just... Stop. That wasn't what I asked.”

”It's what you want, and I can't -”

”Yeah, not what I asked either.” The small smile that showed on Tony's lips then wasn't a happy one. It was sad, and even looked a bit painful.

Loki nearly choked on his own heart.

”I already know what I want, and I know you don't think you can. What I want to know, or, no, what I need to know is: do you want to? Just that, and nothing more.”

How could Tony make a question like that sound so simple? Loki swallowed, and lowered his eyes again, looking at his pale, thin, shaking fingers, feeling so cold against his thighs. He made himself keep breathing, and tried to think. It all came up blank.

”There's no wrong answer here, Loki.”

The reassurance made him close his eyes.

”You don't want to, you don't do it. Really simple.”

Slowly, he gave another nod. Maybe it was simple. Maybe it was just him who didn't get it. Then he stopped trying to think, because it was obviously not doing him any good, and tried to feel instead.

In the back of his mind, he sought out all the memories of Tony having him. Endless patience, gentle fingers, slow and close and warm, and his tongue... Loki's breath caught again, but not for the same reason. And then, very carefully and experimentally, he started _tipping the images over_ , turning the tables, changing places. Made the fingers his own. No longer gold on pale, but white on dark. Imagined slick touches and heat on his skin.

When he swallowed again, the heat he had been summoning in his mind seemed to go with that swallow, down into his chest, his stomach, pooling in his groin.

Loki raised his eyes again, meeting the brown ones that were the center of his world.

”I want to.”

Tony's smile didn't widen then. Didn't turn triumphant. But the sadness went out of it. Warmth replaced the pain.

Tony didn't ask if Loki was sure. He didn't have to; he could see that he was. Instead he just kissed him again. It was still soft and light, but no longer even slightly chaste, lips shaping to Loki's, close and wanting.

That made Loki thaw out, at last. He dropped the tube he had been holding on to, nearly in a cramp by the end, and rubbed his palms over his own thighs, trying to warm them, before he slid them up Tony's. The touch made Tony move, stand up just a bit higher on his knees, coming closer, kiss getting more heated. Loki let his lips part, inviting Tony in, and moved his hands higher, thumbs resting on hipbones, fingers curling around the curve, pulling him even closer.

For a while they just stayed like that, before Tony let his mouth go, moved back, sitting, to shift down on the mattress. Loki watched the movements, spellbound, until Tony started rolling over on his stomach.

”Not like that.”

Tony looked up, eyes wondering.

”Not that way.” He hesitated, then said it the way he felt it. ”I don't want your back. I need you to be there. With me.”

”Always.” Tony put a hand on the bed, pushing himself back onto his side, and then lifted the arm, holding it out, asking Loki into his embrace.

Loki moved closer, stretching out beside him, face to face. The warm arm was around his back then, and a leg came up around his hip, both urging him closer, until they were flush against each other. As close as they could get. Almost. And Loki moved his palm up over the firm curves of bicep and shoulder, to comb his fingers into Tony's hair, made sure their mouths once more slotted together.

The long kisses slowly made Loki not just thaw, but start melting. He moved gently against Tony, feeling skin against skin, hair against hair, and then let his hand travel away from Tony's head, to explore it's way down his spine. Neck shifting with the kiss, the bump where neck turned to back, the valley between shoulderblades, flexing muscles and vertebrae, the flat of the lower back turning to softer curves. Loki stayed there, hand hovering. And then Tony's leg around his hip pushed him even closer, the heat of his cock rubbing against Loki's, and suddenly it felt right to simply shift his fingers along the curve of moving, working muscle.

Fingertips dipped lower, into other heat, charting new territory, and made Tony moan into Loki's mouth. The sound brought Loki back to reality, and he pulled his head back, eyes searching Tony's face. In a moment, dark eyes opened to meet his.

”You'll figure it out, gorgeous.” He smiled. ”It's not... Yeah, I'd say rocket science, or brain surgery, but I'm pretty sure you'd figure those out, too. It's not, well... Driving?”

And that made Loki laugh. He rested his forehead against Tony's, still laughing, and felt tension leave him with the sound.

”I love you”, Loki murmured as he went for another kiss. ”For making me laugh.”

Tony's grin broke the kiss. ”And I love making you laugh.”

Feeling braver, Loki turned to find and pick up the tube he had dropped before. Not brave enough to look up as he did it, he made sure to get enough of the lube on his just almost steady fingers, before dropping it behind Tony, and then moved his hand back. He felt warm palms on his back, holding him, and calmed.

Loki still buried his face by Tony's neck, hiding, pretending he wasn't there, as he let his fingers dip back, searching. The slick of the lube was somehow like a layer between them now, but in some ways, that felt like a relief. Too close would have been too much for Loki. It was still tiptoeing the line when his fingertips finally found the knot of skin and muscle he had been after.

They both made a moan at that, pushing closer to each other. But then, Tony's leg came to rest over Loki's waist, heavy and relaxed, breath hot on Loki's shoulder, and he knew that it was a sign to go on.

With some more focus and purpose than before, he felt his way, got to know the new feel, and swallowed audibly, pressing a finger firmer into place. Trying to get his mind around the fact that this was all Tony. And all his. And that thought gave him the last bit of strength he needed, to let his finger slip in. It went easier than he would ever have guessed, welcoming.

The sound Tony made by his ear was definitely not in protest, either.

Somehow, it very soon turned meditative. The steady rythm, the pysical focus on what he was doing, what it felt like, and what results it gave him. When he had lost himself enough in it to add a second finger, he could also push in deeper, and more by chance than anything else, managed to find the right angle to make Tony groan, digging fingers into his back. So did it again.

He lost himself in the moment. 

Still, it felt like he had hardly begun when Tony shifted impatiently against him, gripping his arm just above the elbow.

”That'll have to be enough.”

Loki hesitated. ”No good?”

A hoarse little laugh in his ear, before Tony pulled his head back to look at him, flushed and wide eyed. ”It seems that way?”

Thinking of the noises Tony had been making against him, Loki made a small shake of his head. ”Not really. But then why stop?”

”Not because I want less, that's for sure.” Tony met his eyes. ”Because I want more.”

”Already? The first time with me, you -”

Tony's headshake made Loki stop short. ”Yeah, this isn't _my_ first. Just yours.”

”Oh.”

He had not added ”as usual”, but Loki heard it in his mind. And realized he should have already guessed. Nothing was ever a first for Tony, was it? That was all Loki's thing, being the one who never had any idea. The only one with new things to discover. Briefly, the thought bothered him, but he forced it away.

The important thing, what he should focus on, was the fact that Tony knew what he wanted, that he didn't have to be extra careful because he didn't know what was coming. And that Tony wanted him. Wanted him in a way Loki had never thought he would.

Wordlessly, they shifted and moved. Loki gently slid his fingers out, let Tony turn over fully on his back, pulling Loki with him to kneel between his legs. It was a perfect reversal of what had been Loki's other first, and it made his heart warm.

He went for the tube again, ran slick fingers over himself, and shivered. Anticipation and just a hinting flare of anxiety.

Ignoring the hint of performance issues, he let instinct take over, guide him closer. All new it was not, after all. He had been in a similar position before. And his body had it's own will, not bothered with insecurities.

Tony's arms came up to hold him as he leaned in, found his place and angle.

He was only just working up the courage to gently, carefully, slowly, move his hip forward, only just sensing that he was pushing in. While his whirring mind was trying to grip the reality of it, he glanced up and caught sight of Tony's eyes shutting tighter, eyebrows pulling together. Oh, no. No, no, no... Was that discomfort? Or possibly even pain? He immediately stopped moving. Even though the purely physical urge to keep going was getting to him now, and he had to crumple the sheets in his fingers where his hand supported him by Tony's shoulder, thighs trembling with the strain to hold back. But he did hold back. Because he had to. Anything else was unthinkable.

"Tony? I'll stop, if you -"

At once, wide eyes were on him, bright and full of black at the same time. "Oh, for fuck's sake, Loki!" It was a growl that Loki felt, all over.

Then hands were twisting into his hair, pulling at it, burning his scalp in the loveliest way. So Loki hardly noticed when Tony's legs shifted, heels coming up to dig into the back of his thighs, urging, spurring him on. And the next thing he knew, it was already done, without him having had a conscious part in the decision.

In the same instant, their eyes went wide and mouths slack, in identical expressions. Overwealmed, shocked pleasure.

At least, the tiny part of Loki that was aware of anything, noted that there was no pain in Tony's expression, that it showed no hint of discomfort or tension. So he stilled, feeling everything, still meeting Tony's eyes, where a small smile was hinting.

"You figured it out."

"You helped."

"I'm nice like that."

"Yes. You are." 

A few beats of silence.

”Are you going to move anytime soon? Or do I need to help you some more? Just asking because I think I might go crazy if you don't.”

”And I might go crazy if I do.”

”Need help, then?”

”I... No.” Loki shook his head, let it dip forward, kissing Tony's hot neck. It tasted of salt and spice. ”I'll just have to risk it.”

”Might be worth it.”

* * *

It was worth it. For both of them.

Pinned under Loki, their arms and legs both bracketing each other, keeping them in place, his face hidden almost under Loki's hair, he couldn't really move, or see. But he didn't need to either, so he just shut his eyes, and felt. It wasn't that often he could focus on that single thing, and it definitely had it's advantages not playing the most active part, for once. Sure, he loved that part. It wasn't a burden. But changing things up is rarely a bad thing, and this was a great thing.

Slowly, Loki pulled back, letting Tony feel every smooth inch. He was really damn happy they didn't have to use the condoms anymore; this was so much better. (And he still rememebered the look on Loki's face the first time Tony had fucked him without a condom, noticing the difference. It had been priceless.) He sensed the crown of Loki's cock reaching the rim, so that it was the only thing holding him inside Tony, just putting the faintest pressure on both of them.

It made Loki himself mutter something against his neck, grip Tony's shoulders tighter, before just as slowly pushing back in again.

The heat of Tony's breath was catching in the thick tresses of black hair across his face, making the faint, tropical scent of schampoo stronger. It smelled like home. It made him smile, holding on to Loki's back and hips a bit tighter with arms and legs.

Why had he never brought this idea up before? He wasn't sure. Maybe it had just never crossed his mind? He was definitely not sorry he'd made the suggestion now, he knew that.

And he knew why Loki had never brought the idea up. The completely dumbstruck look on his pale face had said it all, really.

Well, as it was, Tony felt pretty sure this wouldn't be a one time thing.

If he had to choose, he would always prefer the place on top, of course. Because he craved that, deep down. Not just when it came to just the sex, either. Or even mostly. Even from here, he could be the one to call the shots, if he wanted. As he had shown Loki moments before.

But if he didn't have to choose - and thankfully, he didn't have to - he enjoyed this as well. Turning the control over for once. He knew some saw it as something shameful, a loss of prestige or some such thing. Tony didn't get that. And really, really didn't care.

All he cared about was Loki.

Loki, who was now getting into a rythm, panting against Tony's skin, moving to rub the side of his face against Tony's cheek, mumbling breathless nonsense in his ear. Not for the first time, Tony noticed that it in no way had to take pain or outside force to reduce Loki to a helpless, rambling, fumbling stage. He could do that best all by himself. Because Tony knew it wasn't just the pleasure doing this to Loki; the physical sensation was only a part of it.

He had pushed through a mental barrier to get here, and Tony was damn sure it was still a struggle for him, a fight to keep doing what he was doing, even though he wanted it so badly.

When Loki murmured Tony's name, it was to let himself know it was real. When he whispered his pleases, he was still asking permission.

Tony turned under the scented hair, found the shell of Loki's ear with his lips. "I'm right here. You have me. I'm yours, gorgeous."

Loki lost all his words then, but Tony could hear the relief in his mewling little moans.

"You feel just as good to me this way." Tony continued his reassurance anyway. "You're doing so well." And that was when Loki angled his hip a fraction, and his cock suddenly brushed by Tony's prostate. "Oh, fuck!" He gripped the wide shoulders harder. "Really well! Keep going!"

The last when his exclamation made Loki hesitate, but the order got him back on track almost immediately.

By this point, Tony's cock was aching and begging for attention. He knew, instinctively, that trying to divide Loki between two duties right now would just be plain too much, so he worked his right arm loose from Loki's back, and got it in between them, in the space left by Loki's concave stomach as he was arching his back up into the thrusts. Tony wasn't surprised at all when Loki didn't even seem to notice what he was doing.

Loki was all but lost to the world, and Tony loved it.

When Loki was getting close, he shifted over Tony, nails digging into the skin of his shoulders now. "Tony! Please. I need... Have to... Please!"

"It's all right." Tony's own voice wasn't exactly steady at this point, but he tried making himself heard over the sound of bodies clashing. "Just let go."

And with a sobbing shout against Tony's cheek, he did.

The shuddering, contracting spasms, transferred into Tony's body, pushed him over the edge at almost the same time. When Loki came apart and fell down over him, boneless, Tony's cum stuck their chests together, hot and sticky. It didn't bother any of them, and they just stayed like that, breathing in air, each other, the satisfaction, for a while. 

At last, Loki lifted himself up to look at Tony, mouth opening, no words coming out. Not even a sound.

Tony smiled up at him. ”It's okay. I know.”

And Loki tilted his forehead against Tony's, exhaling.

After a shower, they tangled up on the couch, warm and worn out, the TV giving pintless mutterings in the backgrund. Relaxing, resting, recovering. In silence.

Loki turned his head after while, stirring Tony from half slumber when he started talking.

”How do you do it, Tony?”

”Do what now?” He rubbed a hand over his eyes.

”How do you take these things that scare me half to death, and turn them into something... perfect?”

Tony blinked up at him and gave a thick little chuckle. ”I don't. They already are perfect. That's not my doing. I just try to make you see that you don't have to be scared of them, or of yourself.”

_”Just?”_ Loki looked incredulous.

”Well, yeah, all right, maybe – just maybe – it's taking a tiny bit more effort than I had ever expected it would.” He smiled at the pale face. ”But it's an effort I'm more than happy to make.”

”Why?”

He could have just brushed it off with a ”because I love you”, or something like it, and that wouldn't have been a lie. But it wouldn't have been the whole truth either, and he suspected Loki would sense that.

”Because if there is one thing I want, one thing I believe that everyone needs, it's for you to be enough for yourself.”

Loki frowned, but said nothing.

”You need to be your own best friend in life, Loki. That's something I've learned and I will never believe otherwise. You need to make yourself happy, and carry yourself through everything you meet.” He held the green eyes with his as he continued. ”I'll always try to make you laugh, and I'll support you in any way I can. But you can't rely on me. You can't rely on _anyone._ Because things change, people change, people... leave. And in the end, the only thing you will for sure have the rest of your life, is you.”

He could see Loki's eyes widen, turn more liquid, and shook his head. ”I'm not saying this to freak you out. I'm not planning on going anywhere. But we don't always get to choose things like that. So I just know that anything I can do to make you believe in you, is too fucking important not to do. Right here and now.”

When Loki blinked, tears were clinging to his eyelashes. ”You do”, he got out in a choked whisper. ”You do make me believe. In me. A little more every single day.”

Tony held him close then, kissing the tears away. ”I love you. And you deserve to love you, too. Because you're kind, and strong, and fucking brave, and gorgeous, inside and out.”

Something that was a cross between a laugh and a sob shook Loki's shoulders, and he curled up by Tony's side, head on his chest. It wasn't long before he was asleep, worn by shock and emotional overload. Tony felt the hot, wet spot under his cheek, but he knew those had been good tears.

And he knew that Loki would keep his promise for this new year.

Now, he just had to think about the promise he himself had made to Loki. That he would tell him, about the old things. Another day.

He wasn't sure he wanted to. Still.


	17. Trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need your love the most, when I least deserve it.

They were standing in Loki's too small kitchen, waiting for the morning coffee, when a thought struck Loki out of nowhere.

”Is today another day?”

At first, when they came up to meet his, Tony's eyes were blank confusion. Then they cleared, and Loki knew that the reminder had hit home. And that Tony wasn't happy that he had remembered at all.

The heavy sigh added to this impression. ”Yeah, I guess it is.”

Loki felt a pinch of worry. ”You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to.”

”I kind of do, though.” Tony turned away. ”Just... Let me get my coffee first?”

”Sure.”

Cups in hands, on the couch, Tony still stared off into nothing for a while. Not even drinking the hot beverage he had been waiting for.

”Before Christmas, you asked me if I was going to see my parents. Remember?”

”Yes?”

”Well, I wasn't. Because, I... Yeah, I can't. Anymore.” He glanced over at Loki then. ”They both died when I was nineteen. Car crash. It was my mother behind the weel. Drunk, as usual, and she drove them straight off a cliff. At least it was fast.”

It took Loki a moment to grasp this. Then the shock. ”Tony? I'm so sorry! I just... How...? Why haven't you told me this before?”

”Felt pointless.” Eyes in the coffee this time. ”I really don't talk about it. Ever. With anyone.”

”Not even Thor?”

”No.” A shrug. ”The few people I have told? They just looked at me in a weird way after that. Like they didn't know how to handle me anymore.”

As if Loki couldn't understand that? He frowned.

”I mostly just didn't want to think about it. It really makes no difference, anyway, so I just... put off telling you.”

”How does that not make a difference?”

”They're still just as dead, aren't they?” Tony's eyes looked strangely flat when they came up to meet Loki's. Or almost meet them. They seemed to shift off just slightly to the side, over his shoulder. 

”Of course. But, well, if you'd told me, I wouldn't have asked about them, I could have understood better. Helped you? Like you helped me when I told you about my... things?”

A wry twist of some sort of smile. ”Yeah, only you never did tell me either, did you? Thor did.”

Loki started opening his mouth, but a hand coming off the coffee cup to wave at him stopped him short.

”I know, I know, he never should have. But, honestly now? Would you have told me yourself?”

Pressing his lips together, hesitating, Loki both shrugged and shook his head at the same time. A double gesture he was not even sure of the meaning of himself. But Tony supplied his own interpretation.

”Exactly.” He huffed and looked away. ”At least I told you the important part a long time ago; that I really had no family to speak of. Long before they were dead, they weren't really a part of my life. Just a father I never knew when I would get a glimpse of, coming or going, and a mother who made me worried every fucking day, coming home from school, not knowing what mess she'd have made that time. Ran a bath that dripped down the stairs when I walked in the door? Left the stove on, or a cigarette burning on an armrest, so the house almost burned down? Had a fight with the neighbors? Or if she would just, you know, be too busy being fucked into the living room floor by the gardener to look up and say hi?”

Suddenly, the detail that Tony's parents were no longer alive was the least of Loki's troubles. He swallowed, put his cup down on the table, nearly full still, and moved closer.

”Tony -”

”No, it's okay.” Tony twitched away when Loki reached out to put a hand on his arm, making a lie of the statement, before putting his own coffee away and leaning back in the seat. Not looking up. ”Fuck.” A snort. ”And I always said I'd be nothing like her, you know? Growing up? Sure. Right. They go and fucking die on me, leaving me alone in that _fucking_ house. Nothing but money and suits after him. And bottles after her. Bottles everywhere.”

Loki wanted to say something, anything, but there was no room. The words were just pouring out of Tony now, the dark eyes staring off into the realm of years gone by. All he could do was listen, and be there.

”There are more places to hide bottles in a house than you'd ever guess if you had to try. In the bathroom, of course, so she could lock herself in there and drink, the shower running for hours. In her winter boots, in the back of the wardrobe. In boxes of my old toys, even. I found them cleaning out the attic. No idea what she used to do up there that she had to have her vodka near by. Probably nothing.” He ran a hand through his untidy hair, not really pausing. ”Then I still didn't throw those damn bottles away. I _hated_ the fucking things, but they were all I had from her. So I ended up drinking them instead. All of them. One by one.”

Tony blinked, but just turned further away from Loki as his eyes focused again.

”At least I didn't fuck the gardener.” He choked on his own laugh, coughing, and rubbed a hand over his mouth. ”But not that many others have been off limits, I guess. Since then. Just Anthony Stark, carrying on the proud family tradition of being a liquored up slut. Because that's all I've ever known how to do, anyway.”

”Tony, no, that's not who you are.”

”Well. It has been. For years.” The sharp face was tense and lined when it turned back. ”That, and nothing more.”

”You are more. A lot more.” Loki tried touching him again, and was allowed to, this time. He curled long fingers around Tony's wrist, holding it gently.

”I've always wanted to be more, with you.” There was still a bitter twist to Tony's usually so full and soft mouth, making it look harsh. ”And I figured that if I told you, you'd forget about that.”

Shaking his head, Loki gripped a bit tighter. ”How could you think something like that?”

”Because that's what's always happened before.”

Loki thought he understood. ”That's why you don't trust me?”

Tony made a half shrug and broke eye contact again. ”You always looked at me like I was... I don't know? Perfect? Yeah, I knew it wasn't true, but I never wanted to lose that.”

”You are still so sure you will?”

Now it was Tony who shrugged and shook his head in the same strange, mixed up gesture. He didn't look at Loki, and now Loki was starting to understand why.

”Tony?”

No movement.

”You are the one who told me that no-one is perfect. And that that is what makes us who we are.” He let a thumb rub over the inside of Tony's wrist, feeling the sharp tick of his pulse. 

”Yeah, well... Maybe I wanted to pretend to be someone else?”

”Why whould you want that?”

That earned him a scaptical look under an arched brow, but at least Tony looked at him.

”You were just so fucking happy to let me pretend, though, weren't you? This entire time, I have been this... _fucking mess_. All along. And you just saw the surface.”

”That's been all you've let me see!” Loki pulled his hand back, anger flaring up in his heart, even though he tried keeping it back. ”I would have been just as 'fucking happy' if you'd told me the truth. Happier, probably, because then at least you would have trusted me.”

More twisted silence.

”And I don't think you ever pretended, Tony. Even once.” Taking his hand all the way back, letting both of them hang down between the knees his elbows rested on, Loki tried a smile. ”You were just you.”

Tony was still quiet, but his whole body was screaming _bullshit!_ , as loud as it possibly could.

”Why won't you give me a chance, Tony?” Loki tried to keep his voice calm. ”You want me to believe in myself, but you can't believe in me? How does that make sense?”

Still nothing.

A stab of ice in Loki's heart.

”Or, maybe it does make sense?” His hands contracted to fists. ”You don't trust me, you don't tell me about yourself, you think you have to be someone else... You were sure telling me would push me away, weren't you? Is that why? Is that what you wanted?”

That made Tony turn. ”What?”

”You don't trust me, so you want rid of me?”

”I want...? Is _that_ what you think?”

”What am I supposed to think? Or you just think I'm too weak and fragile, still? Or... I don't know? Something else?”

Tony stared at him. ”I knew this was a fucking stupid idea.”

Before Loki had a chance to even begin to understand what was happening, Tony was out of the couch, putting his shoes on, grabbing his coat, and walking out the door. Leaving Loki alone in a very empty, quiet living room, watching the two cups of coffee getting cold on the table, and wondering what had gone so completely wrong.

* * *

Tony had planned to go out for a smoke, but noticed his pack was empty. So, he'd smoked almost an entire pack in one day. Or, more accurately, in about five hours. That was a lot, when he usually kept it to about five cigarettes per week.

He didn't give a shit.

Crumpling up the empty packet, to let it drop on the table, he then went to pick up his glass and took a swallow deep enough to give the burn he had wanted from the cigarette.

The fact that he was drinking scotch was a bad sign and he knew it. He usually stayed away from the hard liquor, because he knew it didn't end well, but, yeah, back to the previous statement:

He didn't give a shit.

Only, that was a fucking lie, wasn't it? Tony had never given as many shits in his entire life as he did right now.

It wouldn't have hurt this bad if he hadn't cared so much. Then he would have done what he had always done before, when lovers had turned strange, distant and closed up after he had told them about his past, which was shrug and move on. Pushing his secrets a little bit further inside, waiting a little bit longer before telling anyone the next time... Rinse and repeat. Until he had given up on it altogether and just stopped telling anyone anything. Even parts of it.

They all liked Tony drunk and stupid. Happy and hitting on everything that moved.

No-one liked it when he started thinking. Or even worse, when he started feeling.

He was never supposed to do things like that. It just got him in trouble. And right now, he was inclined to agree on the last part. Because he was feeling now. A lot. And boy, was he in trouble.

Tony had never loved anyone as much as he loved Loki. Hell, even if he combined all the other people he had ever loved, Loki would still tip the scales his way. He loved this beautiful, deceptively soft, graceful, brilliant person. Deeply and completely. And because of that, he had thought he could tell at least something about himself. At this point it could be all right, couldn't it?

It was about eight months since Tony had woken up on Loki's couch. The longest relationship of his life. He had tried so hard to be the person he wanted do be, the person Loki deserved. From that first hopeful glance Loki had thrown his way, from that first kiss, that first search for closeness and touch, he had been filled with a wish to give Loki everything he wanted and needed.

Why? He couldn't even say. There weren't reasons for things like that. They just were.

Loki didn't want or need the drunken promiscuity. Not even a little. So Tony had tried to be something else. Put a thick, soft cover over the sharp edges on the inside. Careful never to let Loki close enough to cut himself.

Until he had wanted to just let Loki get a glimpse of the truth under it, ended up blurting out more of it than he had ever told anyone before, and once more, made someone push him away just when he wanted to keep them closer than ever.

Tony emptied the glass and sat with it in his hand, staring into it, seeing the world distorted through the thick bottom of it.

_”And I don't think you ever pretended, Tony. Even once. You were just you.”_

He couldn't get those words out of his head now. He had no idea what to make of them. What they meant. No version of it made sense.

One possibility was that he had just fooled Loki so thoroughly, that he actually believed Tony's act. That his cover had become reality. But he didn't buy that. Loki wasn't really that gullible.

The other possibility, was that Loki was right. That Tony had never pretended to be someone else. He had pretended to be himself. The Tony he could have been, all along. And even though he wanted to believe this version, he didn't dare.

And even if he did dare, it meant he would have to realize that the thickness of the cover, no matter how soft, had put a distance between him and Loki. Protecting Loki from the truth, the darkness inside, he had also held him off.

Tony blinked into the empty glass.

_”And you just saw the surface.” - ”That's been all you've let me see!”_

Well, shit.

Fuck, even.

Crap!

All at once, Tony knew he was an idiot. Genius, sure, but an idiot just the same.

Loki hadn't been pushing him away. Loki had been the one held off. And he had still only ever wanted to be let in. To be trusted.

And what had Tony done? Stood up and walked away.

”Shit!”

With a sharp movement and a loud clanging noise that almost startled him, even though he was the cause of it, Tony put the glass on the table, and grabbed his coat, shoving a fumbling hand into one pocket, another, a third, until he found his phone. Almost dropping it on the floor in his haste to get his hands on it.

When the screen lit up under his touch, a message was waiting for him. Since an hour. He hadn't heard it.

_Sorry. Failed you. Knew I was never enough. Tried._

Three seconds later, Tony was out the door, running. Pulling his coat on as he went.

* * *

The first couple of hours, Loki was sure Tony would come back, but then he never did. And as the short winter day turned back into early afternoon dusk, he started feeling sure of the opposite; that Tony was never coming back. He had messed up one too many times, been too caught up in his own head and heart, and just been... well, plain selfish.

Tony had finally come to him with his truth, things he'd been hiding for months, perhaps years before that, and Loki had still made the problem about himself.

No wonder Tony had just given up and left.

He never left the couch that whole day. Never removed the cups of coffee from the table. Just pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them, resting his cheek against his knee. Hugging himself close. He knew he was still waiting, and that it was a really stupid thing to do.

Loki had always had the strong suspicion that he would prove to not be enough. Well, to be honest, he always had that suspicion, in any situation, but it had been stronger with Tony. In part because he had wanted, more than ever, to be enough. To fill every single need and want Tony might ever have.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't listen and be supportive. He couldn't be trusted. 

He didn't have the experience. He didn't know what to do to give Tony what he needed, even when he knew what that was.

When dusk turned to dark, Loki couldn't hold the tears back anymore. He was a bit surprised he had managed that long.

Rubbing them from his eyes, he slowly unfolded from his own hug, walked into the bedroom, picked up his phone and slowly tapped out a message to Tony. Maybe the last one he'd ever send to him.

_Sorry. Failed you. Knew I was never enough. Tried._

A heavy teardrop splashed down on the screen when he hit send.

Swallowing, almost choking on it, he turned around, falling down on the bed, burying his face in the covers, legs still hanging over he edge. The bed smelled of Tony, of himself, of sex, warmth, touch.

Loki was still crying when he fell asleep.

* * *

Tony didn't bother with knocking or ringing the doorbell when he arrived back at Loki's apartment. He just got the key out, unlocked the door, and walked in. There he let the coat drop on the floor, kicked his shoes off they way Loki always wanted him to do, and hurried inside.

Everything dark and quiet in the apartment. Living room empty. Kitchen too. A glance into the bathroom showed the same. Just the bedroom left.

Tony felt his heart go cold. Sure, Loki had once told him that he would never hurt himself because Tony chose to leave, but people had broken promises before, hadn't they? You could never really know what they would do. Slowly, he opened the door, and looked into the bedroom. Or, at least tried to. The windowless space was pitch black. He reached for the light switch, found it, and suddenly the room was softly lit from the ceiling.

His eyes immediately fell on Loki, who was half on the bed, half long legs still with feet resting on the floor. It looked horribly uncomfortable. Not the kind of position anyone would choose to sleep in. But then he heard a groan, saw Loki shift on the bed, a white face and red eyes coming up to look back at him, standing in the doorway.

”Tony?” The voice was so broken he hardly recognized it. Loki pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the bed. ”You... came back?”

”Of course I came back.” His own voice was nearly as torn up. ”Never should have left.”

Loki's lips parted, like he wanted to answer. Nothing came out. Instead, he just raised his arms, holding them out toward Tony.

It took him two steps to get to the bed, lean in, and put his lips on Loki's. He felt the long arms, still sleep heavy, close around him, as he tipped them both down on the bed in a move that made his head spin. It didn't matter. What mattered was that he never let go of Loki's mouth, or hair, holding on. He never wanted to let go, ever again.

”I'm an idiot”, he mumbled, feverishly, against Loki's lips. Smelled the alcohol on his own breath and wished it hadn't been there. ”Such an idiot.”

”No, I'm an idiot. I didn't listen.”

”No, you were right.” Tony held on to the black hair, but forced himself back enough to see Loki. ”I should have told you. I should have trusted you. Let you come close. You couldn't very well listen to what I never told you, sweetheart. No, it's me, all on me, I'm the idiot. And I'm so fucking sorry.” He came back for another kiss then. ”I just hope I didn't figure it out too late for you to forgive me. To let me try again. I'm so sorry. Please, I -”

”Tony, slow down.” Loki was giving a hoarse laugh against his mouth, and that more than the soft words made him shut up altogether. ”I don't have to forgive you; there's nothing I hold against you. We will both just... do over. Do better.”

With a small, choked back sob of sheer relief, Tony pulled him even closer, painfully close, like he wanted to press Loki in under his own skin. Which he, actually, kind of did.

Into his heart, where he could be sure to have him safe and close forever.


	18. Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (A little warning in place for this chapter: if **breath control** triggers you in any way, please skip this one.)

As always, Loki woke up early this saturday morning. Tony still hated this ”dirty, unnatural habit”, as he called it, but when Loki had finally agreed to at least stop setting the alarm and just sneak quietly out of bed when he woke up, they had reached a truce.

Turning away from his old, familiar position with his face to the wall, propping himself up on an elbow, he found Tony in a reversal of the sleeping position that was most usual to him. Instead of flat on his back, he was flat on his front, arms under the pillow, face turned away, and the shape of him under the covers showed his legs were slightly spread. Loki followed the lines of his body under the fabrics, just as disbelieving as always that he was allowed to wake up every morning next to _all of this_. He couldn't get his head around it.

The covers were bunched up by Tony's waist, so the muscles of his shoulders and back were visible in the dim lights falling in from the living room outside. Loki couldn't see it, but he knew that Tony's body was naked all the way down under the covers, because that was the way they had both fallen asleep the night before. He had been planning on getting up, but the sight, the thoughts that came with it, worked together to keep him in place. Watching.

Lying half on his own front, Loki could feel his cock move over the sheet as it stiffened. The sensation gave him shivers.

Just looking at Tony really was enough. Partly because he was beautiful, and partly because he was a physical reminder of everything that made Loki breathless, made the pit of his stomach turn to an excited flutter. Everything he wanted.

Looking turned out to be more than enough today, and soon, Loki was aching.

He knew he should get up and leave the room. Staying here, looking, daydreaming, wouldn't help his situation. Quite the opposite. But then it hit him, for the first time, possibly ever, that hiding away and silencing his mind with litterature wasn't the only way to handle being in a bed next to his own boyfriend, hard enough to hurt. The idea felt like a complete shock. The suggested mental image that went with it, of Loki reaching his hand in under the covers and placing his fingers on Tony's sleepwarmed skin, nearly made his heart stop.

The possibility had never before made itself known to Loki. Now, here it was.

Just a few months ago, he never would have acted on the idea, even if it had hit him then. No, never. Reaching out in an attempt to take something for himself? Something he wanted? Not ever.

But now? Well, things were different now. He was different. Or at least, he was changing.

Then, there was that promise, to try new things...

Loki bit his lip, thinking, before he decided to stop. Thinking never helped him in situations like this, that he had learned by now. Thinking made him freeze up, tense, shut down. It was almost always better to feel. Be in the moment. So he simply summoned up that mental image again, and copied it.

Careful not to jostle the bed, he moved closer, sliding his hand over the sheets until he felt the warmth from Tony's skin. Then he moved even closer, and followed that warmth all the way to the source, caressing its way up Tony's hip, to his ass, perfectly soft and relaxed under the gentle touch.

Tony didn't even stir. He must be very soundly asleep.

It would take more to wake him, obviously.

Loki lifted his eyes to the nightstand, then thought better of it. Getting up and reaching across Tony all the way over there? No, that would wake him up, for sure, but in the wrong way entirely. So Loki removed his hand again, and lifted it to his face. Even the warm wet of putting his finger into his own mouth excited him, thinking of why he was actually, really, doing this.

He got the hand back in under the covers, hovering over Tony's ass, then settling in place, the wet finger perfectly aligned to dip down between the resting, spread cheeks. At first, there was still no movement, but when he rubbed the fingertip over the gathered skin and then gently pushed into the muscle, Tony finally stirred. He made a little sigh, one that turned to a soft groan as Loki let the finger move deeper, but didn't talk. Or turn.

Feeling emboldened by this, let his hand find a slow rythm of smallish movements, not enough lubrication for more.

Heat gathered under the covers, and Loki soon used his free hand to push them away. He wanted to see what he was doing, anyway, and shifted down over the sheets to get closer.

By now, he could have gone for the lube, but still he decided not to. Instead, he just slowly pulled the finger back out, all the way, just letting the tip still rest against the opening. Then he leaned in, gathering more spit in his mouth, and let it trickle out right by his fingertip, making sure to push through it when he moved it back in.

”Holy hell...” 

The words were just a moan, but they made Loki lift his eyes from his actions, finding Tony looking right at him, over his own shoulder. That was something that would have usually burned Loki's face off in a furious blush, but today, there was nothing. Strangely enough. He simply inserted the finger a hint deeper, getting another moan out of Tony, still holding his eyes.

”Who are you?” Tony mumbled the question when he got his words back. ”And what have you done with Loki?”

At that, Loki felt a slow grin stretch over his face. ”I think he's still asleep. Keep quiet, now, or you'll wake him up.”

Tony lifted a hand to make a zipping-it-shut motion across his lips, and then buried his face in the pillow again.

Loki never added another finger, just went softly searching, the way he had never had the chance to do that first time. Now and then he wet the finger again, the spit rubbing dry so much faster than the lube. Not as practical, for sure, but he somehow enjoyed the intimacy of this.

The search tought him what he should do. And how crazy he could drive Tony with it. He felt giddy with that realization, and played with his newfound skills. Still so slow and soft, just brushing at the most sensitive spots. Repeatedly, but rarely.

Until Tony cracked.

”Loki! Oh, fuck... Either you stop that, or you make it count!” Tony growled, turning his head again. ”And only one of those options is really acceptable right now, I might add.”

”I guess I should just stop, then.” Loki smiled at him, all innocence, as he let his finger slide all the way out.

Tony's eyes widened. ”That's it, you damn _tease_!” He flipped himself around, caught Loki's shoulders and pushed his back down into the mattress. ”You've had your fun. My turn. Now, roll over.”

”Make me.” Loki's eyes looked straight into Tony's, and he could almost see the shift taking place in there, behind the dilating pupils.

”Oh I'll make you, gorgeous. And then I think I'll make _you_ beg. I haven't done that in a while.” He reached for Loki's arms, catching them and holding them steady, even when Loki tried his hardest to pull them free. ”I'll make you beg for mercy, this time.”

And he did. It wasn't even that difficult.

* * *

”Thanks for breakfast.” Tony kissed Loki's cheek as he let his plate drop into the sink.

Smiling, Loki turned back to the dishes he was washing. ”Welcome.”

”And also?” Tony let his arm slide around Loki's midriff, the words spoken against the angle between neck and shoulder. ”Thank you for waking me up this morning.”

”Even though it's saturday?”

”Honestly? If you do it that way, or something like it, you can wake me up at any hour, any day. Not even joking.”

Loki was still looking down at the foam and water, but Tony felt the muscles in his abdomen thighten with a small laugh. ”I'll remember that.” 

”You'd better.”

Tony had settled in the couch with his laptop when hands, hot from the dishwater, came snaking their way down his chest, and he leaned his head back, meeting a kiss he had been pretty sure was coming.

”Thank you for telling me you liked it.” Loki murmured against him. ”I wasn't sure you would.”

Tony got a hold of the back of Loki's neck and pulled him into a deeper, still upside-down kiss. ”You just go ahead and feel sure, gorgeous.”

When Tony let him go, Loki walked around to curl up on the seat next to Tony, leaning into him. For a while they just sat there, Tony clicking through news and some school e-mails, Loki watching with his head resting on Tony's shoulder. But something gave Tony the feeling that there was more coming. He could almost hear the noise of Loki's mind working.

”I never thought it was all right for me to... want things”, Loki finally said, softly. 

Glancing at him, Tony flipped the computer shut and leaned to put it on the table. Then he got an arm around the wide shoulders and held Loki closer. ”I know. And it makes me happy that you seem to be rethinking that.” He squeezed a bit tighter. ”Is there anything else you know you want? Besides waking me up early?”

Loki smiled over at him, then turned more serious. ”There is, actually.”

”Tell me?”

”I'd like to know more about... what you want.”

”Me?” Tony felt confused for a moment. ”In what way?”

”Well, all sorts of ways, I guess.” Loki shrugged under his arm. ”I want you to be happy, and getting me to feel better can't be the only thing making you happy.”

”Pretty much top of the list.”

”That still means there is a list.” A black eyebrow arched. ”Right?”

Tony chuckled. ”Well, yeah, I guess you've got me there.” 

His eyes drifted away as he thought about it. It felt like a harder question to answer than it should have any right to be.

”Don't think I've had to make that list before”, he finally said, scratching his goatee with his free hand. ”But, well... I don't know... Just, normal things, you know? I'm really not that complicated.”

He turned back in time to see Loki looking mockingly sceptical.

”I'm not!” Tony laughed. ”But just... Watching stupid action movies where I don't have to think about what's going on. Going to the bar with the guys. Or...” Here he started thinking about things that could be, could happen. ”Maybe? Playing boardgames? Catch you trying to cheat.” A grin that made Loki stick his tongue out. ”Picnics in the park. Going to the zoo and watch animals do weirdly human things? Road trips.”

He broke off, thinking more freely now.

”Building things. Making things. I've always liked that.” Tony thought of something else, almost related. ”You know what? Cooking.”

Loki seemed confused by the last addition, which wasn't really that strange. ”Tony, you can't even boil an egg.” 

”I know!” He sat up straighter, getting into the idea. ”That's what I mean; I'd like to know how. You could teach me. Couldn't you?”

The pale face in front of him turned from lined confusion to a bright smile. ”Course I could.”

Tony smiled back. ”I'd like that. No-one's ever wanted to make the effort before.”

”Well, I can't have you rely on pizza and pretzels if I'm not around to feed you.”

”Hey! Nothing wrong with pizza and pretzels!”

Loki rolled his eyes. ”Sure.”

”And also”, Tony added, shrugging, ”sex. That doesn't hurt, really.”

”Yes, it does.” Loki got an elbow up in his ribs.

A laugh at that. ”All right, bad choice of words.”

Then Loki turned more, to study him closer. ”Is there anything else you want out of that, that you're... not getting? Something you need?”

”All good.” The words were out just a fraction too fast, and Tony knew it as soon as he saw Loki's eyes narrow. 

”You are just a terrible liar sometimes.”

Damn.

”I guess.” Tony rubbed his face, sighing. ”It's just that I know I can never ask for that, so there was really no point bringing it up.”

The green eye narrowed even more, and then suddenly went wider.

”Oh. I didn't realize you meant... The neck... thing.”

”The neck thing”, Tony confirmed, and saw Loki go pale, felt him tense under his arm, and continued in a hurry. ”I'm sorry, Loki. I know how you feel about that and I didn't want to bring it up and you -”

A soft fingertip quickly came to rest on his lips, as Loki shook his head. ”Never say sorry for what you want. Remember?”

Tony caught the hand by his mouth in his own, kissed the finger, and removed it. ”Could you possibly stop using my own wisdom against me?” Smiling as he said it.

Loki shook his head again, returning the smile, his lips just slightly too tight.

”Anyway. I'm not sorry for wanting it.” He held on to Loki's hand a bit tighter. ”Just sorry that it makes you... uncomfortable.”

”But you do miss it?”

Tony started to open his mouth.

”And be honest!”

He closed it again. Rephrased. Knew Loki could see him do it, and that he would know Tony hadn't planned on telling it like it was from the start.

”I miss it. A lot, sometimes. To be honest. But giving that up is just a really small thing for me, compared to what it means to you.” 

Tony could still see worry start to twist its dark shape behind Loki's eyes. He sighed.

”Really, Loki. I promise. You don't have to even think about that.”

”But you -”

”No, seriously. So, I don't get one hundred percent of the things I want? Big deal. I still get... I don't know... ninety five? Then it's just stupid to focus on the five I'm without.

”I suppose.”

”Yes. Don't think about it.” Tony lifted Loki's hand to kiss it again. ”Promise me you'll try not to, at least?”

”Promise.”

* * *

Loki failed at keeping his promise, miserably, but he decided against telling Tony about that. He knew it would only upset him, and it wasn't really necessary to do so anyway. Because Loki did think about it, he couldn't deny that, but he actually didn't worry. He didn't beat himself up about not giving Tony what he wanted. There was no anxiety or self loathing. He didn't fret or brood.

No, this time, Loki pondered. Mused. In a way that was not entirely unpleasant.

As time passed, he found himself even dreaming about it. A sure sign that his mind was dwelling on it, even when he wasn't around.

The dreams weren't even nightmares.

When he started watching for them, he could see signs that told him Tony really did want it, as well. Tiny little things that Tony did without ever thinking about it. 

Never more so than when they were watching a movie one night, Loki almost falling asleep with his head in Tony's lap, a hand rubbing warm little circles over his chest. His eyes were still idly following the movements on the screen, but he had started losing track of the plot, blinks turning so slow and long that when he opened his eyes the next time, half of the cast was already dead and he had now idea how that had happened. In the same way, he was barely aware of the hand on him moving its way higher, fingers stroking his clavicles, and then the palm just coming to rest over his throat, fingers brushing one side, thumb caressing his jawbone on the other.

When he did become aware, it happened slowly, and Loki made himself stay still, and relaxed, under the unconscious touch. Willed himself to not make a cramping swallow that would flex his throat too much under that resting hand. Ignored the animal instinct that alerted danger. Ignored the thoughts in the back of his mind that wanted to turn dark, gruesome and morbid, reminding him of ropes and cliffs.

Ignoring the instinct was easy. He was not at all afraid. That had never been the issue. Trusting Tony with his life? Not a problem.

Ignoring the thoughts, on the other hand, that was a problem. They twisted and turned, wouldn't be kept all the way down. And Loki hated them. Hated the old darkness, the helplessness and the numb cold.

Now, he also realized he hated them for another reason; he hated them because those old, fucked up thoughts were still a force running his life. Still! The numb cold in his life had been replaced by warm feeling. And still, those thoughts dictated what he could or could not do.

It wasn't right.

So Loki stayed still, kept his eyes closed, let the hand rest on his throat until Tony took it away again, and they went to bed. He let it, because he chose to.

Because it felt like freedom.

* * *

Another night. Another movie. Loki half asleep with his head in Tony's lap. Tony resting his hand on his chest, a thumb rubbing over the hollow of Loki's throat, the bumps of his clavicles. Tony wasn't really thinking about it.

Out of nowhere, Loki's hand slowly came up, fingers closing around Tony's wrist, and moved his hand. Moved it up, and let it settle again, with Tony's palm over his throat. Blinking, no longer seeing the screen, Tony froze. Then he made himself move, and looked down at Loki's face. It was soft and calm, the green eyes steady, and for a while they just stayed like that.

”What...?” He couldn't even form the question.

”Just leave it. I know you want it there.”

Tony blinked again, shocked silent.

”You put it there, sometimes. Without knowing you do it.”

”Why didn't you tell me?” 

”Because then you would have stopped.” Loki held his eyes, just as steady, voice firm. ”And I don't want you to.”

”Sure about that?”

Loki nodded, and Tony felt the muscles and tendons moving under his palm, then the gentle vibrations of his low voice. ”I want the new. To replace the old.”

Tony actually thought he could understand that.

He gave a nod in return. Then he tried going back to watching the movie, hand where it was, sometimes moving fingers or thumb over the soft skin, but if anyone had asked him any questions about the second half of the plot, he wouldn't have been able to answer a single one of them.

It became a regular occurance after that time. 

The first few times Tony let Loki initiate it, still, but then he started doing it himself. When they were on the couch, or snuggled in bed to go to sleep. Just holding his hand there, never any pressure, just cradling Loki's adam's apple in his palm, caressing tendons, feeling the pulsing veins under his fingertips. And at first, never, _ever_ , in any kind of sexual situation. Always when Loki was already relaxed, warm and safe, nothing else on his mind.

Then, one time, experimentally, prepared for failure (or at least thinking himself prepared), Tony did it when they were making out. Just one of those random things, in the hallway of his apartment, on the way out. He had Loki up against the wall, having his way with his mouth, and it somehow felt right to try. To slowly move his hand up to the working throat, careful to let Loki feel it coming. No nasty surprises. Ready to take it back at any second.

When it settled, still just holding on, Loki moaned into Tony's mouth, dug fingertips into his back, and pushed him closer.

The clearest ”all clear” sign there possibly could be.

He was careful to make sure that the first time he did it while fucking Loki, he did it when they were facing each other. Tony didn't want any memories of that first, catastrophic event to play into it now. And he wanted to see Loki's face, watch for warning signs.

None showed.

Then, and only then, did Tony dare to start hoping. He still knew that the real test was still ahead of them, though, and he had no idea when the right time for that would be.

In the end, the choice didn't feel up to him, anyway.

* * *

”I want you to do it, Tony.” Loki tilted his head forward, rubbing the underside of his chin against Tony's hand on his throat. ”For real.”

They were spooning comfortably on Tony's deep couch, some random TV show running on the widescreen. He had spoken the words out of nowhere, and there was a slight pause before any answer came.

”We don't have to go from barely anything, to everything at once, you know?” The thumb rubbed him gently. ”We could do it in stages, just start off by -”

”I get that.” Loki shifted, turned his head, glancing at Tonys face over his shoulder. It was blank, waiting. ”But sometimes, the small steps don't help anymore. I'm done crawling. I want to run.”

”Just skipping 'walking' altogether?” A small smile.

”Well, yes.”

The dark eyes studied his face for a moment, even though they could only catch an angle of his profile, really. ”All right. Sure. I'll give you a flying start, gorgeous.” Tony pushed back away from him, at the same time pushing Loki a bit out on the seats. ”On your back.”

Loki did as told, and felt better when Tony immediately moved closer again, propped up on his left elbow, that hand still under Loki's shoulderblade. He rested his right hand over the hollow of Loki's throat.

”Put a hand on my arm.”

No questions, Loki got his left hand up to the arm on his chest.

”If, at any time, you want to stop, don't try to talk. You may not be able to, and then you might panic because of that.” Tony nodded to Loki's hand, resting on his forearm. ”Tap me.” He caught Loki's eyes again. ”Any time. For any reason. You're afraid, uncomfortable, need the bathroom, want to check tomorrow's weather... All right?”

”All right.” Loki wanted to laugh at the joke, but couldn't. His throat was too tight, like he was already trying to do this to himself. All he managed was a smile that felt shaky.

Tony spotted his trembling lips, and leaned down to kiss them. His own so softly firm. Then he answered the smile. ”I've got you.”

”I know you do.” His hold tighter on the strong forearm for a moment. ”Wouldn't be here if I didn't.”

That earned him another kiss.

Loki's expectation had, despite everything that had happened so far, been for this to be some horribly drawn out thing, a choking, coughing, flailing fight for breath. He'd been prepared for panic and anxiety, even though he really, truly did want it.

Reality, as almost always is its habit, turned out completely different.

Tony's left hand came up to rest around the back of his neck, by the base of his skull, holding him in a steady and comforting grip. His right settled in the now familiar position across his throat, all ten fingers interlocking in a completely new way. It was tighter and closer, and more intimate in a way he had never known it could be, until now.

The wide, brown eyes never left his as the grip gently, so surprisingly gently, fixed even tighter.

And when Loki had expected a wild fight, he barely had the time to register the darkening at the edges of his peripheral vision, his body only just starting to realize that it was in some serious trouble, before he was already gone. Kicked out of reality, into some strange, flashing, flickering dream that felt oddly real, detailed, and very long. Scenes playing out in front of him that were so crisp he could feel them, littered with images and sounds from the TV show playing in the background.

Until he pulled a breath, waking up to a body that felt a lot more unreal than the dreams had been. Twitching muscles out of his control, extemities numb, something that felt like static electicity crawling under his skin. But it all passed, quickly, as oxygen returned to his brain.

Loki blinked, gasped, focused, and was back in the warm, brown eyed center of his universe. Muscular arms holding him, hands on the back of his head and his chest now, instead of around his neck

”Loki?” The voice wasn't really worried, but clearly searching for confirmation that he was all right.

”Tony?” His voice felt thick, but his throat didn't hurt. ”How long... was I gone?”

A smile. ”Seconds. Barely.”

”Felt like... Hours. Forever.”

”In a bad way?”

”No.” He searched for words. ”Just a bit, well, too real to be a dream.”

”You all right now?”

Loki nodded. ”Fine. Actually.” And he really was, to his own surprise. He felt relaxed. ”A bit tired, maybe.”

Tony shifted down in the couch, pulling Loki into a resting position with his head on Tony's shoulder. Loki lifted an arm, just a bit too heavy, and put it around him.

”You be tired, gorgeous.” Lips touched Loki's hair.

Rubbing his face against Tony's t-shirt, he pressed closer, overcome by how... anticlimactic it had all been. Sure, it had been strong and strange and left him wanting more, but it had been so different from the horror he had carried in the back of his mind.

He had never been happier to be disappointed.


	19. Nourishment

It sure wasn't a lack of intellect that had stopped Tony from learning how to cook before. He could figure out the oven and the stove. He could read a recipe. No problem.

It wasn't a lack of motor skills either. He could peel, slice and dice without cutting his own fingers off in the process. The mechanical process of it wasn't the problem.

What he completely did lack, though, was the ability to _think_ food. To do what Loki did. Just open the fridge, take one look inside and know which things to use, which things worked together, think something new up, never opening a cook book, and create it. Invent it on the spot. Visualize. And then make it happen.

Every single damn step in that process was like magic to Tony.

How did he _do_ that? Really?

It was probably the same kind of thing that made Loki unable to understand the way Tony could see numbers, mathematical problems, solving them in his mind. He had tried to explain, but it always ended with Loki staring at him like he had three heads, to mutter something about ”witchcraft” and then go back to bury his nose in his books on litterature or linguistics or something like it.

Their minds, in many ways, couldn't have been more different.

Now, they had to overcome those differences, for Loki to teach Tony how to cook. And boy, that wasn't easy. Loki was completely unused to teaching, and he had a hard time getting into it, finding the slow tempo and patience needed, even when it was obvious he was trying. Tony, on his end, nearly lost it every time Loki just shrugged and ignored the recipe they were supposed to be following.

”It's minced meat, Tony! Ground up parts of a cow! There really are not that many ways to do this. You melt butter, you fry it, until its brown, and you season it, and -”

”How much butter, though?"

”Enough.”

”You can't say it like that! I need numbers!”

”It depends on how much meat you have!” Loki groaned and rubbed his hands over his face as Tony shifted his eyes from the stick of butter to the mound of still pink meat on the counter, trying to solve the equation in his head. ”All right, listen. It doesn't matter. We'll be frying it little by little anyway, so it doesn't cool the pan. We want to fry it, not boil it. So, you just add butter as you go.”

Tony nodded. ”Makes sense, I guess. Although I don't really...? No, never mind.”

”No, what?”

”I was going to ask the difference if we fry or boil it, but I -” He saw Loki's face, and stopped.

”I should have listened. Never mind. Not important. That's... next lesson. Maybe.”

They came closer to snapping at each other than they ever had before, but they managed to fry the minced meat, and some vegetables, mixing it all with tomato sauce and lots of spices Tony forgot instantly, get it into a baking dish, and cover it all with cheese. Lots. Tony could get the math behind that, at least – the more cheese, the better.

When the whole thing was in the oven, they cleaned the kitchen up a bit. They were at Tony's place, because doing this in the tiny excuse for a kitchen at Loki's might have ended in complete disaster, in so many ways, so everything just went in the dishwasher, and then they were done.

”So.” Loki leaned forward to look in the oven. ”Set an alarm for ten minutes, and then we see what it looks like then.”

”That's it?” Tony asked, surprised, setting the suggested time on his phone.

”It's already cooked, apart from the cheese. It won't take long.”

”Great! I'm starving!” Tony huffed. ”That's hard work.”

”You make it harder than it is, you know.”

”Maybe I like making things harder than they are?” Tony raised an eyebrow, and had the pleasure of getting Loki to laugh.

”Well, you're really good at making things harder, in any way possible.”

”Glad to hear it.” Tony glanced at the time. Nine minutes. That might be long enough. ”Let's see how good you are at it, then.” He smiled at Loki.

* * *

Loki frowned in confusion. ”What?”

”No time. Come. I'll explain on the way.” Tony grabbed him by the wrist and towed him into the living room. ”You've made me do most of the work so far tonight. So I think it's your turn.” By one of the deep armchairs, he turned Loki with his back to it, getting his hands in under Loki's t-shirt. ”But that doesn't mean I need to stop this learning curve I've got going.”

This explanation didn't do much to clear things up for Loki. When his t-shirt came off and Tony's hands quickly had his jeans undone, pushing him back into the chair to pull them off, he was more than sure what direction it was going, but it still made no sense. Sitting there naked, gazing up at the still fully dressed and standing Tony, made him blush anyway. He was sure his cheeks matched the red upholstery.

”So, why don't you show me how you do it?”

”Do what?”

”Make things harder.”

Loki was reasonably sure Tony should have a pretty good idea about that by now, but he was in no way opposed to showing him again. Smiling, he started to lean forward in the chair, a hand coming up to reach for Tony's zipper, when a headshake stopped him.

”Not me.” Tony smiled. ”Yourself.”

Slowly, Loki let himself fall against the backrest again, staring at him. Felt his legs start to pull up slightly, defensively, to hide him.

”While you...” A laboured swallow. ”Watch?”

”Yes.”

”From up there?”

”I can get closer, if that makes it better?”

Loki wasn't sure it would, actually, but when Tony didn't wait for a reply, simply putting gentle hands just above Loki's knees, spreading his legs apart, and falling on his knees between them, on the thick rug, it did feel better. Looking down at Tony was less intimidating than looking up, but having him look back, and doing nothing else, was no less unnerving this way.

When Loki remained frozen, Tony slid his hands up his thighs, brushing the hairs, making them stand on end.

”First?”

”Yes.” Voice so hoarse Loki hardly knew it as his own. ”I thought I was out of those by now.”

”Not likely.” Tony looked amused. The he took one hand off him, pulling his phone out of a pocket, and checking it for something, before placing it on one of the armrests, hand coming back to Loki's thigh. ”Seven minutes until dinner is ready. Well. This is the way I make things harder.” He grinned. ”You cum before the alarm goes off, you get a reward.”

”I don't?”

”Then I'll just have to punish you, won't I?” There was a glint in the brown eyes that made Loki tremble.

Why was the threat of punishment more appealing than the promise of reward?

Not that he was ready to foreit the challenge because of it, however. And besides, Tony would know if he was not really trying.

Getting started was so difficult. Even though he knew he had to, if he was going to have any chance of making it on time. So in the end, he just gave up, gave in, closed his eyes and tilted his head back. Pretending Tony wasn't watching. The way he did it, after all, was usually alone. Even with his eyes closed, he was very aware of Tony's presence, naturally. The soft breathing, the warm hands on his tense legs... But he tried to ignore it all, 

Being stripped naked had made him start getting hard, but then the performance anxiety of realizing what Tony wanted him to do, had quickly undone that growing erection. So when he got his hand off the seat it had been gripping, hesitantly sliding it along his own hipbone, he found himself soft. And getting his fingers around his cock, he was far from sure he could get it back to life at all. Much less be able to cum. The limp thing in his hand felt like nothing more than an extension of his own nervousness, something directly connected to his fears.

The softness really didn't help anything. No matter it being a natural state to start.

Obviously, Tony had seen him in nearly every kind of state possible before. Rock hard and so aroused a light touch would get him over the edge. So deep in misery that nothing could get him even semi hard, and it felt like his cock was trying to crawl back up inside his body at the mere thought of sex. And everything in between. Still, this was just so embarrassing.

Most likely realizing his problem, Tony moved his hands over his thighs then. Not all the way up, not helping him out directly - of course, that would spoil the challenge - but the warm and soothing hands helped none the less. The touch reminded him Tony was really there, and suddenly that made him feel safer, instead of just exposed, vulnerable, naked in a way that went far beyond skin.

This was _Tony_ after all! Tony, who knew him better than anyone had ever done before, his darkness and his weaknesses. Tony, who had touched and tasted him in ways no-one had ever done before.

He had no secrets from Tony, and wanted none. This should be no different.

And thinking of the hands on him, and that tongue, at last got his body to react the way he wanted it to. Breath catching in his throat, a twitch of excitement in the pit of his stomach, and blood finally rushing in under his fingers, stretching the satiny skin, making soft tissues rigid.

Loki slowly got into a familiar, well practiced rythm, trying to act as if he wasn't acting.

Meanwhile, Tony was so still and quiet that Loki almost forgot that he was there. Which now, strangely, unsettled him more than calmed him. He discovered a _need_ to be seen. Known. Reassured. Validated.

He didn't dare open his eyes. Or speak. But the inflection of his next whimpering moan definitely made it a question.

At once, the hands on his knees rubbed at him, creating warm friction. ”Right here. Watching.” Warm words, just as soothing as the hands. ”Having a hard time keeping to just watching, honestly. Gorgeous.” The last word held such a heat Loki could almost feel it. 

For the first time, the nickname didn't make him cringe on the inside. 

Tony's hands moved up then, stroking along the muscles in slow, repeating movements, up to his hips. They turned there, fingertips caressing the sides of his ass, then traveling down to the underside of his thighs, to go back the way they had come.

For a moment, the touch nearly distracted Loki, made his pace slow down. Then two of the fingertips caught the skin under his left knee and pinched it. He whined, took the hint, and started stroking harder.

Loki knew there couldn't be much time left by now, anyway.

Then he became aware that there were not just hands and fingers on him, but lips as well, trailing up the inside of his leg, then a tongue lapping at the hairless skin on the top part. Heat as Tony's mouth opened against him, kissing his thigh, and then... Sucking at it. Pulling blood to the surface, so hard it stung and burned.

Groaning, Loki found himself bucking up into his own hand now, arching up out of the chair, head pushed into the top of the backrest.

He had never dared hope to even get this far.

Tony's mouth kept finding new places on his thighs to heat and hurt. Before he pulled back, letting gentle fingertips tease over him instead.

Loki pulled in a hissing breath.”Tony...” It was no more than a mumble falling from his lips, he had no idea what it meant, what he wanted. If anything. Maybe it was just a prayer.

”I love you working this hard.” There was a smile in the words. ”But I think I can make things harder still.” The fingers turning to claws scratching the underside of his legs. ”Because you don't have that much time left. And if you don't make it, I think I might have to get the belt out again.”

Loki whimpered. That probably should have made things harder. And it did. But likely not in the way that would have seemed most likely.

When the alarm went off, Loki was so close he barely heard it. Barely noticed Tony taking a hand off him to shut it up. Barely thought about the fact that he had lost the challenge. Definitly didn't care, about any of it. At least not once Tony got that hand back, squeezing the muscle above his knee, pushing his legs wider apart, holding the other with that hand on the underside of his thigh, bending down to suck at the tender skin again, harder, pulling it into his mouth, and then biting it. The sharp pain at last got Loki over the edge.

He shouted out, gripped the armrest with his left hand to try and cling on to the real world, and came all over his own stomach and chest. Melting into a boneless, limp heap in the chair. There was only just enough strength to let his eyes get half open, and angle his head to look down. He got a glimpse of his own thighs, marked by red ovals, turning darker even as he watched. Then his eyes went to Tony, smiling back up at him.

”Perfect.”

”I failed, still.”

”You feel like you failed?”

Loki only needed a second to think that over. The warm sense of satisfaction in his body was mingling with a rather pleasant form of self consciousness, all new to him. The knowledge of having been seen by eyes which had enjoyed the sight. He had never felt that way before, never believed in it enough.

”Not really.” He managed a lazy grin.

”Great.” Tony stood up on his knees, leaning in over him, to lick a drop off his lower abdomen, before glancing up again. ”Apetizer.”

While Loki was still laughing, he pushed back from the armchair and got to his feet.

”Better help dinner out of the oven before it burns.”

”You run. Save the day.” Loki slid down even further in the chair, both arms coming up to rest over his head, gazing up under still heavy lids. ”My hero.”

Tony remained frozen in place for a moment, eyes traveling over Loki's relaxed body, then he shook himself. ”Right. Tony Stark, to the rescue.”

He still couldn't stop himself throwing one last glance over his shoulder, walking into the kitchen, and nearly broke his kneecap on the corner of the coffee table.

* * *

Dinner turned out really great. Tony didn't really feel like he could take that much of the credit, but at least he hadn't made things worse.

After the first bites, they glanced up over the full plates, across the kitchen table, at the same time, and smiled.

”Not bad for a first.” Loki smiled wider.

”You, too.”

A hint of a blush on Loki's face, but not going nearly as bad as he once would have. ”Well, I did my best.” Then Loki's blush faded, his face turning thoughtful, his eyes going to the plate as his fork pulled at a stringy piece of cheese. ”How do you do it?” His eyes came up again.

”Do what?”

”How do you know? Which things are the things I never knew I always wanted.”

”I don't know. Obviously. But I know you pretty well by now. At least I hope I do.” Tony smiled, reaching a hand out to put it over Loki's, where it was resting next to his glass. ”And I know how I want to make you feel.” He shrugged. ”Mostly, I just match that to what I want to do with you, and see were it goes.”

”Really?” Loki's face was a mix of fascination and confusion. ”It all sound so... random, when you put it like that.”

”It kind of is.” Tony tilted his head forward. ”Learning by doing, remember?”

Loki got the piece of cheese in his mouth, rubbing his thumb over the back of Tony's hand as he chewed and swallowed, then nodded. ”I do.”

”Great. But the next thing, that's not at all random.”

The green eyes widened and darkened.

Tony leaned over the table to kiss some tomato sauce from Loki's lip. ”You might want to finish that now. We have a punishment to get out of the way, before bedtime.”

* * *

Loki couldn't sit down without it hurting for two days.

That's how he learned for sure that Tony could make things harder than they were, in so many ways, without even being in the room.


	20. Future

Loki woke up that morning to discover that he was alone in the bed. Which he shouldn't be. He had fallen asleep the night before with his head on a warm shoulder, and now the covers on the other side of the bed were thrown back, the sheet cool to his touch. Tony had been up for a while, by the feel of it.

With a sigh, he stretched lazily. By now, he was so used to sharing the bed that it almost felt like a luxury to be alone in it, at least for a while, before it started to feel empty. And lonely. And cold. The covers were bunched around his waist after Tony had pushed them away, getting up, and since Loki didn't feel ready to leave bed just yet, he pulled them back up over his shoulder, hugged the pillow Tony had left behind to his chest, closed his eyes, and buried his face in it. He might even go back to sleep like this.

Drifting gently, warm, his nose filled with the spicy, rich scent of a well known body, Loki let himself almost melt into the mattress, perfectly relaxed.

A small but sharp noise at the door made him instantly blink his eyes open, however, seeing Tony stand there in the doorway. The light behind him made it hard to make out details, but it looked like he was carrying something. His annoyed growl was clear, on the other hand.

”Damn! Didn't mean to wake you like that.”

”You didn't.” Loki propped himself up on an elbow, still holding Tony's pillow to his chest with the other arm. ”I was already awake. Wondering were you had gone.”

”Well, you are about to find out.” There was no need to see the wide grin on Tony's face; it could be heard in his voice.

He came closer, and before Loki even had a chance to figure out that he was about to place a tray on the nightstand, he could smell bacon. Feeling his eyes go wider, Loki sat up in bed as Tony reached out to turn on the small light on the wall by the bed, to show what he had brought.

The tray held two cups of coffee, and a heap of scrambled eggs and fried bacon. All the scents together made Loki's mouth water. It was really lucky that bacon had proved to be the key to unlocking Tony's motivation to cook, since they both loved it. This, though? This was all new.

”Are you bringing me breakfast in bed?” Loki had to get confirmation. The sight alone wasn't enough to convince him of the reality of it.

”Damn right I am.” Tony grinned at him, sliding back into bed. He was still just wearing his underwear, and when he leaned in over Loki, to straddle his hips, Loki could smell the fried bacon on his bare chest. ”And you better be grateful, because cooking anything in this place is a nightmare.”

”Oh, I am!” Loki moved the pillow out of the way, now that he no longer needed it for company, and pulled the real deal down into a kiss. A deep one. ”So very grateful.”

On elbows and knees over him, Tony angled his head out of the way and answered the kiss in kind. ”You want to work up an apetite? Or you want to eat first?”

”Eat first.” Loki mumbled, running hands into the short hair. ”Cold eggs are disgusting. But I can reheat you, I think.”

”Yeah, that's not even that difficult.” Tony grinned, and moved to sit down beside Loki, then picking the tray up to place it across his own left thigh and Loki's right, where they could both reach it comfortably. But he put the cups on the nightstand so they wouldn't spill. ”I hope it tastes okay, though. The eggs, I mean. Bacon is bacon. It's always great.”

Loki could have reminded him that it hadn't always been in the past, when Tony had tried to fry it and failed miserably, but he just tasted the eggs instead, then giving Tony an impressed look. ”You fried them in the bacon grease?”

”I did.” 

”I never taught you to do that.”

”I know.” He looked like he had invented the wheel and discovered the use of fire all in the same morning.

”That's it. That's the last thing. Now you're perfect.” Loki grinned.

”Then we're a matching set. Finally.”

Rolling his eyes, Loki went for more of the eggs, and a strip of bacon. And this time, it really was great.

They shared the meal in silence for a while, savouring the salty richness.

Swallowing, Loki reached in under his pillow to pull out his phone, checking the time. And also, by chance, noticed the date. He blinked at the screen, stared at it until it went dark again, and then slowly put it away, turning back.

”Tony?”

”Mmm?” The sound came around a mouthful of eggs, but Tony's eyes were focused on Loki.

”I just noticed that it's exactly one year, to the day, almost to the hour even, since I found you sleeping on my couch.”

Tony swallowed, and then looked surprised. ”Really?” His eyes went out of focus as he thought about it. ”It doesn't feel like it. On the one hand, it feels like yesterday, and on the other, like it's been ages.” He grinned at Loki. ”In a good way.”

”I know what you mean.” Loki reached for the last strip of bacon. ”Like we have lived a lifetime in no time at all.”

Tony moved in closer, opening his mouth, and Loki obliged, letting him bite off half the piece before putting the rest in his own mouth. When they had swallowed, Tony put the tray down on the floor, and then leaned in even closer, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

”So. That day?” Tony mumbled, pulling back, looking at Loki with a smile sparkling in the brown eyes. ”Was it love at first sight?”

”No.” Loki smiled, and licked a mix of Tony and bacon off his own lips. Two favourites in one. ”I thought you were an idiot.”

It made Tony lean back into a laugh. ”Yeah, well, you weren't wrong. I was kind of an idiot. But luckily, I at least had the sense to try something with you when I had the chance.” He picked up the coffee and gave one cup to Loki, before sipping his own. ”So, is this our anniversary?”

Loki took a still warm swallow of coffe and frowned. ”Shouldn't that be the day we made it official?”

He could feel Tony's arm move against his when he shrugged, and it reminded him of that first time, when they had been sitting just like this. It made him warmer than the coffee.

”Maybe? But, well, I'd rather say today. Because the formal part, that didn't really mean anything. I mean, of course it did.” He gave Loki a reassuring smile. ”But it didn't really change anything. You know?” When Loki nodded, he went on. ”This day a year ago? It changed everything.”

”That it did.”

Loki studied the memories of that day. They were still bright in his mind, like precious jewels, carefully tucked away where he could find them and study them again, keeping them safe.

He really had thought Tony was an idiot. And not just that day, either. Hot as all hell? Yes, absolutely. But an idiot. Then he had come to realize, pretty quickly too, that he had been all wrong making that assumption. And he was happy that he had.

Most of those memories were more physical in nature, however. Right from that casual way Tony had put a hand on Loki to move his leg, to get a look at what he had been reading. It had been such a shock. No-one had touched him at all in what had felt like forever, and even a light hand on his knee had gotten to him. And then, of course, Tony had really gotten to him...

Blinking, Loki came out of his faraway thoughts, and turned to find Tony smiling at him.

”Trip down memory lane?”

”Yes.” Loki answered the smile. ”And I just realized, that in some way, it was love at first sight.”

”Oh? Tell me more.”

Still smiling, Loki reached across him to put away his cup, and then took the almost empty one from Tony to do the same. He stayed leaning in over Tony, lifting one of his hands, to kiss the palm, before looking up at him again. 

”I fell in love with you touching me”, he said, slowly, feeling the words.

Tony's eyes went wider. ”I... actually think that was what I hoped would happen.” His free hand came up to cradle Loki's jaw. ”It felt like you needed it.”

”I did. I still do.”

”That's perfect.” Tony's thumb brushed his cheek. ”Because I feel the same way.”

Then his hand moved from Loki's jaw, around to the back of his neck, into his hair, in a gesture also filled with memories, and pulled Loki closer, into a kiss that had nothing in common with that first day. It wasn't gentle, searching, finding it's way or it's place. It was a kiss full of a year's loving experience and knowledge.

It was sure.

* * *

”Well, how about that?” Tony murmured as he rolled Loki over on his back, leaning in for another kiss, making sure he pressed his erection against Loki's thigh in the movement. ”You have me all reheated.”

All he got was a breathless laugh, and hands coming up along his sides, and ribs, to settle from the back over his shoulders, pulling him down. He didn't resist, just stayed close, and did exactly what he had said he would, touching Loki. Hands and fingers brushing, caressing, stroking, over his face, neck, chest... Then he had to slip out of the grip on his shoulders to move down, running his hands over the flat stretch of stomach, but Loki was more than willing to let go now.

Reaching Loki's underwear, starting to slip his fingertips under the elastic, he glanced up to find the green eyes on him. ”You still need me to be the first one naked?”

A smile, and a slow headshake.

Tony got a better grip, and pulled the underwear down and off, throwing them on the floor, let his own join them, before turning back. Seeing Loki naked still made him go slightly crazy, just like the first time. Maybe even more so now, actually. He had, after all, had no idea what he would be getting then. He knew now. And it was goddamn amazing.

Slowly, he let his hands slide back up Loki's legs, until he could lean in to place a just as slow, broad lick up the underside of his cock, hard now, and resting on his abdomen. The sound it got in response made him do it again. A few times.

Then he moved back up Loki's body, trailing licks and kisses now, until he was back where he had started, meeting Loki's wide eyes. 

Tony leaned down over him, left elbow by Loki's shoulder, tangling his hand into the long hair, to hold his head still and steady, before raising his right hand, letting Loki see it, and then placing a slap on his face. Hard, but carefully measured.

* * *

Loki saw the hand. He knew what it meant. But the slap was still a shock, the way they always were. The sting and the jolt of surprise and arousal made him buck and arch into Tony, pressing his cock into his thigh, rubbing against it in a way that made him squirm in the grip still on his hair.

The slap made his eyes water, but he didn't really cry. It was not enough for that. Not any more.

He still remembered the first time Tony had done it, however. Then, a single, well aimed and burning hit across his face had instantly reduced him to a sobbing wreck, curling up in a heap on the floor where he had been kneeling by Tony's feet. Loki had no idea why it had had such a strong effect on him, how it had so completely hit at the very core of him. He had never been slapped before in his life. It wasn't connected to any painful memories. And the small, sharp pain in itself should have been nowhere near enough to do this to him.

It was something in that simple but powerful act that had gotten to him. Something beyond pain. Something symbolic. Humilition. Whatever it was, it had taken him down low. Further down than he had ever been. And fast. So fast, he had no way of adjusting to the shift in mental state. All he could do was fall down, fall apart, and cry as if his heart was breaking.

It had shocked Tony a bit, he knew, but as always, he had been nothing but calm care on the outside, holding Loki, comforting, kissing the sting away, until the tears finally ran dry and he could breathe again. Brought him back, picked him up.

And then? Then it had become one of his favourite things.

Wasn't it all such a lovely mystery?

Slapping him was the fastest way of grounding and focusing him. Both of them, really. It put them in the places in their own, private universe where they both wanted to be, in relation to each other. The places they had spent a year finding. One above, one below, but both so much a part of the same, intimate space. No boundaries between them.

Loki kept arching up this time, however, twisting against the hand in his hair.

”Just stay still, gorgeous.” The tone in Tony's voice enforced the last part of the focus he needed. ”Let me do what I want.”

Nearly instantly, Loki relaxed back into the mattress, and let him.

Tony turned them over on their sides, their legs tangling together, holding them close, Tony's cock hot and hard against Loki's hip, pushing against him, as Tony's hand came down to stroke and tease his own. And it was suddenly the same as it had been that first time, and at the same time, so very, very different.

Loki's scalp and cheek were stinging and burning from the grip still in his hair and the slap. A sensation that would have been completely foreign to him then.

Neither of them was hiding his face by the other's throat, like they had done that time. They were face to face, eyes locked. Connected.

* * *

A pale hand traveled up Tony's arm. He could see it out of the corner of his eye, see it stop to feel the muscles, bones and tendons move, and then it continueds up to his shoulder, neck, hair. He felt the hand under him grip his ribs.

Loki's lips parted, his cheeks flushing slightly, the left more than the right. Tony was almost prepared for him to beg for mercy again, but no words came this time. Even though Loki still needed touch, he wasn't quite as easily overwealmed by it anymore. So, Tony made his grip a bit firmer, got Loki to squirm again, and loved the way it rubbed that smooth hip against him.

Loved it perhaps a bit too much, actually. Would he be the one overwealmed this time? He stopped moving against Loki, but kept his hand busy.

”Was what you got enough for you then?” 

Tony's soft words made Loki's eyes find focus on his face again.

”Yes.” It was a gasp. ”Still is.” He tried thrusting into Ton's hand, but they were really too close already.

”You wouldn't have wanted more?”

”Tony!” Loki groaned the name, gripping his hair tighter, which just made Tony return the favour. ”More might have killed me, then. It... still might... Please!”

And there was the begging... How could one simple word make him so excited, and moved, at the same time? Had it ever, before? Not likely. Tony smiled at Lokis pained face, slowing his hand, rubbing his thumb over the slit, slippery with precum. Which made Loki press into him, searching for more of his hand, rubbing against Tony in the process, making them both moan in unison.

”I could make you keep begging all morning, gorgeous.”

Loki's knit brow turned to a glare. Then, Tony felt the smooth hip shift, just minutely, but enough, pulling another moan from him. And again. With the same result.

”No, you couldn't.”

”What's this about, then?” Tony smiled, still, but his voice was both hoarse, and struggling for an edge. He moved the slick thumb to other points he knew would get the right effect.

”Self... defense...” Loki could hardly speak, eyes dim, but he kept moving his hip, bringing his thigh into it too. 

That made Tony crack, completely. Laughing, he dropped out of focus, and let his hand stroke all the way over Loki's length again. At the same time, he started meeting the movements of Loki's hip with his own.

It didn't take much, for either of them.

Tensing, breath catching in their throats, their eyes still met. Connected.

Sweaty, sticky, panting, they still held on to each other a while afterward, hands still gripping the other's hair, legs braided together. Heads resting on the mattress.

”Self defense? Really?” Smiling, Tony let go of the black locks, running his fingers through them.

”I can't just let you get away with driving me insane”, Loki mumbled, eyes nearly falling shut. ”Not on our anniversary.”

”Well, at least not this early in the day.” Tony's smile turned to a grin. ”Hours left for that!”

Loki didn't answer. He just twisted his fingers in Tony's hair until it made Tony whine, leaning in for a placating kiss. It seemed to work. The fingers let his hair go, going to cradle the back of his head, urging him closer for another kiss, to mumble against his lips.

”Idiot.”

And Tony could only laugh again.

* * *

Tony was on his back on the couch with his legs pulled up, Loki by his side, head on his chest and legs angled in under his. Pieces of a puzzle.

Loki's mind was wandering as they lay there, not really seeing the movie running in the background. He mostly felt Tonys hand playing with the hair on the back of his head, the gentle rise and fall of breathing under his cheek, a steady heartbeat.

This time last year, he had been ”looking forward” to the end of the semester, a lonely summer, and then coming back to university in the fall. This year, he had no idea what he had to expect, and suddenly that was both amazing and frightening. He realized that somehow, they had never spoken of the future. Of their plans for a life outside of school. In the real world.

A fit of anxiety made him push himself up on an elbow, to look down at Tony.

”You graduate in about a month.” Loki felt the unease in his voice. He had to swallow a lump in his throat. 

Brown eyes came up to meet his. ”I do.”

”What will you do when you are done here?” He wondered if he just meant school. Some part wanted to make it mean more, and he cringed inside at the thought, but tried to hide it. ”Go search for a job somewhere?”

”I don't really have to.” Tony's face turned serious. ”I kind of already have one waiting for me.”

”You do?” A twist in Loki's gut. Had Tony already started looking? Was he eager to get away?

”One I was born into.” Tony gave a crooked smile then. ”My father left me his company. His old business partner has been running it, but the plan has always been for me to step in and take over when I was done studying.”

”I... Oh...? I thought you said he only left you suits, and money?”

”Pretty much the same thing. Running this thing, it'll mean money. And I'll have to wear suits. All the time.”

Loki could only stare at him for a moment. ”You will look amazing in them.” Then he swallowed again. ”But I guess I won't be seeing much of it. I mean, I still have a year left.”

Tilting his head, Tony studied his face. ”Actually? I thought about that.”

”You did?” Loki wondered why he hadn't thought about it himself. Considered the fact that there was a full twelve months between their graduations. Maybe he had just been too afraid to.

”Of course I did.” A smile came to Tony's face then. ”You are always a part of my plans, you know?”

He hadn't known. But the words filled his heart so much he couldn't speak around it.

”Taking over the company? That won't happen over night. I'll need to spend more time in New York, but I can still live here for most of the next year. Or, however long it _actually_ will take you to graduate, considering you are half a semester ahead all the time.” Tony lifted a hand to brush it over Loki's hair again. ”And if you can put up with all that? If you still want to be around me when you're done? Then maybe... you'd consider coming to live with me?”

Overwealmed, Loki felt his mouth fall open, then he actually managed to force it into forming words. ”On one condition.”

Tony's eyebrows rose.

”I can bring my books.”

Laughing, Tony caught his hair, and used it to pull him into a kiss. ”Gorgeous? I promise you that you can. You can even have your own library, once we have our own home.”

”Our own home.” Loki tasted it, letting it slowly run over his tongue. It was sweet.

”You would consider it, then?”

Would he consider it? 

Tears of sheer joy stung his eyes at the thought, but Loki got a small laugh out through his tight throat anyway. Then he pulled Tony's forehead to his own, holding him close, whispering against him.

”Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is where I'll be leaving the boys. At least for now...
> 
> A HUGE thank you to everyone who has read and left their love for this thing! I love all of you!


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